The Reality Shock 10/30/2011

The Reality Shock 2.0:

Issue #3: ..Like A God Fire Phoenix I Rise..

Welcome back once again my dear friends to the show that never truly ends, mostly because whenever I feel I've had enough, somehow, someway, sometimes through funky ass shit that happens every single day, and sometimes by means of afew loyal followers (by which I mean mostly my friend Ashley) reminding me that its been so very long sense I've sat down and wrote out one of my much beloved sermons of truth and blunt honesty. I have to admit, I had a feeling I might not be so good at this after about a year or so break, but I'm surprised to discover that not only am I feeling the energy flowing like I used too, but I'm feeling like everything is old times all over again, which is really pretty good, cuz they were good times, atleast I thought they were, but hey I could be wrong. I do know one thing though, after a year off, and the 6 prior years of writing this soliloquy of serendipity, I still have no real clue how to write a proper opening paragraph. Amazing how somethings never change no matter how long of a gap you have to bridge isn't it?

Alright, with that out of the way, lets get down to it, shall we? And away we go... A'room'a'zoom'zoom!!

So the first things first, I wanna address a movie that a lot of people have been asking me my opinion on, now, I do get asked about many things still all this time after letting my pulpit of truth fade into obscurity, and sense I've brought this out of retirement, I figure I'll answer one of the most recent and most persistent questions I've been getting, and that is, being the big Shakespeare fan that I am, what is it I think of the upcoming movie “Anonymous”, where in we are expected to believe that the great bard himself, William Shakespeare, was infact a fraud, a sort of Milli Vanili of his time, with the real writer of his work being The Earl Of Oxford, who believes that his writing deserves to be shared, but feels if he were to present it himself, it would only be heralded because of his status, instead of the actual talent. Now, though I understand the logic of that sort of theory, there has never been anything supporting this theory other then the theory itself, which though often debated over the last 30 or so years sense it was first put forward, there has never really, to my knowledge, never really been anything to support it, other then the original idea itself, which though a fun debate among classic literature lovers of the world, has never really been much more then that, a fun debate, until now. Now, as for my ideas and beliefs on this, though I will more then likely find the film to be a well acted, well written, beautiful bit of briefly controversial film, I believe it will be nothing more then just that, a film of fictional record, I've always been of the belief that Shakespeare is, as he always will be, one of the greatest writers of all time, maybe I'm too stuck in my ways, but I just can't believe one of the greatest dreamers that never quit dreaming, was basically Cyrano De Bergerac with out the giant penis nose, and played for the whole world to love, not just one woman. Its just not possible. But I am sure the film will be great though, and I look forward to seeing it.

Speaking of period based films, Ukrainian goddess Milla Jovovich, who normally is one of the most easy going and friendly people in the acting world, taken it upon herself to call out the film studio releasing her recent action/adventure steampunk like revision of The Three Musketeers, for their lack of proper advertizing of the film. Saying its ment to be more of a family friendly action adventure instead of a balls to the wall action film thats not for all ages. She has been taking to every media she can to state this. Some might find it in bad taste that an actor is speaking badly of the studio in the promotion for the film, but infact, going by what many critics are saying, she has a point, and this isn't a case of a star trying to incite bad blood between them and the studio, much like Richard Dreyfus did when he called out both Oliver Stone and Lionsgate films for not “hitting hard enough and making the world feel bad for George W. Bush” in the film “W” the George W. Bush biopic where Dreyfus played Vice President Dick Chaney, Milla simply wishes to show that her film is being mistreated by the studio, and she's just trying to save the film from ruin. What makes this case sad is, the film did bomb here in the states, though it did well everywhere else, and the studio is trying to make it out like Milla's questioning of their way of promoting the film is why it bombed, because they felt letting her promote the film with such an attitude, would be bad for them, which really is a shame, because the film is actually really good. It also looks bad on Milla Jovovich, who, in all honesty is possibly one of the nicest, respectful, friendliest of all the famous person I've ever come across, seriously she answers every single twitter, facebook comment, direct message, facebook PM, sent by every single fan, as long as its not lude or insulting or disrespectful ofcourse, she even goes out of her way to bring us all into her daily life, posting pictures of her kids and husband and her doing the silliest and cutest things, or video or pictures from the set of whatever film she's working on, and talking about how she loves sharing it all with the world as she does. Making someone that nice and caring to her fans look bad really just makes the studio look like shit, specially sense she was right.

Speaking of Milla's level of interaction with her fans, in my year off, I've discovered Twitter with alittle trail and error, learned that its not the waistland of endless self whoring like I figured it would be, infact I've discovered that many a famous person who's on twitter is a lot like Milla, taking the time to interact with their fans as much as possible, it kind of amazes me really, sure most of them are from outside of the United States, but still, the point remains, fame is fame, and here in America, its unheard of for a star to personally interact with their fans via social media, sure you get ones like Ashton Kutcher who doesn't so much interact with the fans so much as preach to them and preside over them, or Courtney Love who doesn't so much interact, so much as post drunken pictures of herself mostly naked or wearing something skimpy, but there is really no attempt to interact with the fans like they're people. I was amazed at the idea of this, and I figured sense as I writing this, I was having a conversation about this very thing with my charity case homeboy Mojo, I would share it all with you as well. And after a small amount of twitter and facebook stalkery as well as fumbling through my half wrong attempts at other languages, i've gathered that other then each country's super huge high end megastars, most famous people the world over, are very nice and respectful and friendly, as long as you are the same to them. When I talk about this, I always mention Lauren Socha, BAFTA winner for best supporting actress for her role as Kelly Bailey on the amazingly good sci fi dramedy Misfits, who literally lets her fans into every single part of her daily life, often sending pictures of herself and her family and friends, or her dog out to the masses, as well as often putting on her webcam via twitter and talking with the fans for hours, often with her friends, cast mates, her family, at random times during her day, sometimes even while sitting in bed when she can't sleep, she's covered up respectfully before you pervs get the wrong idea, she always answers questions about the show, what she's doing, what her brother who is going to be a semi regular on the next series of Being Human is doing, afew times even asked for fans to sell her a car, and offering to send a weekend afternoon having lunch and watching football (soccer to us americans) with anyone in Derbyshire who could get a good friend of hers who had been fired a job, even giving out her mobile number afew times for the fans, even promoting her show by stating if she can, she'll be live tweeting and using her cam to interact with fans during each episode of the upcoming series of misfits. That kind of full access is completely unheard of here.

There are a lot of others who are just as interactive with the fanbase the world over, I just use Lauren as an example because I find myself laughing at how far into her life she tries to integrate her fans to make everyone feel like they truly know her. Steve Pizzati of the now canceled Top Gear Australia is the same way, though his mostly involves him posting videos of him driving high end supercars around exotic racetracks stuff, which is great, but just rubs salt in the wound of people like me, who actually liked the aussie version of Top Gear and wish they'd keep making it, oddly, the loss of the russian version of Top Gear, which I also enjoyed, doesn't sting as much. Ah well, thats how it goes in life I guess.

By the way, if anyone who hasn't yet, and would like to follow me on twitter, you can at @ThisBrokenMind which some of you might take as me poking some fun at the fact most people think I'm crazy, but its actually shortened from the line “I am trapped here in this broken mind, and all I can ask is just be kind, to me.” a line some of you might know from the Molly Venter song “Good Mother” about watching her other slowly lose her sanity and memories as she got old. Speaking of Twitter accounts to follow, you all should give my friend Rose a follow as well at @EloquentParrot she mostly drops stone cold bits of truth about UK current affairs shows and provides hilariously truthful and blunt commentary on the UK version of The X-Factor, but its still rather entertaining, plus she can totally use the followers. Anyone else I know with a twitter account, don't get upset I'm not ignoring your accounts, I just haven't gotten your permission to plug yours, out of respect I won't do that kind of thing without y'alls permission or knowledge.

Now that I've mentioned it, all of you who are wondering what I think of the American version of The X-Factor, don't worry I plan on getting to it in length in abit, I just have afew other other things I'd like to mention before hand, so stay tuned faithful readers... or you know, skip down if you wish, it'll be there either way if you wait and read the rest of just jump then read back.. or if you go and make a sammich then come back and read the rest. Damn its 3:45am why am I craving a sammich?

Anyway, on to other things...

I'd like to give you all a heads up on an upcoming little known and little talked about film called “Chronicle”, which I'm betting could be the next District 9 type of sleeper. By which I mean people will dismiss as looking brilliant and having a brilliant concept, but they'll wait till it comes to dvd/blu ray/on demand to watch it, then they'll kick themselves for not shelling out the cash for theaters because of how amazing and wonderful the film is. Chronicle, is the story of three Portland Oregon based teenagers, who while recording themselves goofing about in the woods outside of town, are all exposed to a mysterious chemical they happen across, and as they go around their days videoing themselves as teenagers tend to do incase something is oddly youtube worthy, they start to develop superpowers given to them by the chemicals in the woods, the film goes from lazy loser teenagers mucking about with a handicam, to the story of three teenagers working together to train themselves in how to use their new found powers, and how they slowly start to turn on each other as well. The film is shot like Cloverfield, meaning first person view, so you feel you're right there in the middle of everything, a style that most seem to dislike for some reason, but I personally love to death, because of the surreality of how it puts you in the scene, while breaking the 4^th wall, with out really breaking the 4^th wall. Look for it February 3^rd of 2012.

Why are people making such a big deal out of the suit for Catwoman in the upcoming Batman: The Dark Knight Rises? Yes it looks like a generic sneaking suit with knee boots, but do you people not realize, that Catwoman never started out to be a master thief? The character of Selena Kyle was originally a hooker who wanted a certain necklace so bad she decided to steal it from a high end jewelery store, and she discovered in the process, she had a nack for theft, and thats how Catwoman was born, she didn't start out in the more commonly known and perfectly named leather catsuit, infact if you look into the comics, she didn't wear the trademark catsuit until AFTER the 1960s Batman tv show that starred Adam West decided to make the character into the definition of female supervillain sexy, infact Catwoman wasn't even that major of a villain until that show made her as such, and also, female villains weren't really written as sexy and flirty toward others until that show put the idea forward as well. So everyone bitching that the Catwoman suit that we've all seen on set pictures of so far looks cheap and unimaginative, remember, not every character starts out in the suit we all know of them in, but by the end, they end up in them, so shut up and wait to see what happens, you'll get to see Anne Hathoway in skin tight leather and Emma Peel sized knee boots soon enough.... perverts.

So before we continue, I have to eat abit of humble pie, which for those interested, tastes abit like Shepard's Pie, but the kind with carrots in it, not the awesome kind with corn, peas and bacon. Also, if I offended you by not referencing the type of shepard's pie you're used too, oh well, it literally changes from town to town and region to region all over america and the united kingdom, even if its a traditional united kingdom dish. Anyway... I have to eat some humble pie, because as many of you are aware, I've many times stated I refused to go anywhere near the scripted original programing produced by MTV, no I don't just mean the “reality” shows that are totally scripted, or their “documentaries” I mean the actual scripted programing, after they ruined their chance to make a daring ambitious take on UK cult series Skins, and that horrible horrible attempt at making 1980s cult crapfest Teen Wolf, which according to Kayla Patterson ripped off Twilight 20 years before Twilight was published, because everyone knows Stephanie Meyer created werewolves and vampires, into girlwank fodder for Team Jacob, and after their much hyped The Hard Times Of R.J Burger fell flat of the target, and countless other attempts I'm probably forgetting thanks to expensive therapy, I must admit, after all of that, MTV has actually put out afew quality programs, three infact, which I feel are in need of mention; Death Valley, which is basically Cops, but set in a town over run with zombies, oh sure you'd think the idea would get tired rather quickly, but amazingly it doesn't, but then again, honestly, who doesn't love killing zombies? Another actual hit they have is the show Awkward, which is basically the tv version of the amazing but overlooked movie Easy A, both of which seemed overlooked by most, but truly are enjoyable. And ofcourse, the biggest highlight I have to mention, infact if I don't my friend Ashley will hang me from a tree and toss rocks at me, is ofcourse the relauch of Beavis and Butthead, which thankfully, didn't show its age, nor did it cross the line to straight up pandering to bring back fans, their relaunch had no frog baseball, nor did it have Cornholeo roaming about, it just established them back where they belonged, mocking music videos (and now reality shows too) and pop culture in general. I can't believe I'm about to say this but, good job MTV, you're officially now ahead of NBC and CBS in my “get out of the television shithouse” program.

“You know, when I did my skit with the cast of Jersey Shore when I was hosing the prime time emmy awards, we had to constantly change the script, not to make if funnier, but because those wacky macaroni rascals couldn't pronounce certain words. Serious, I'm not kidding, if you saw my skit with them, I played a mafia liaison, but because none of them could say the word “liaison”, we changed it to they would simply refer to me as The Godmother... I know it made it abit trite to some, but god bless those guidos, they tried as hard as they could, they just couldn't say that word to save their lives.... not even that little orange one that looks like a cabbage patch kid...” - Jane Lynch of the hit series Glee on her dealings with the cast of Jersey Shore.

Lindsey Lohan working in a morgue is the most hilarious thing I've ever had the privilege of picturing in my head, whichever judge in LA made that happen, I thank you. I thank you hardcore. I thank him almost as much as I thank the person who thought the idea of the show H8R, where Z-List famous people spend a day trying to convince someone that called them names on the internet they're good people... shame it got canceled three episodes in.

Some movies you all should check out if you haven't yet; Rubber; the story of a tire that lives in the outer area of Lancaster California, is named Robert and one day, not only becomes self aware and alive, but also discovers that it has an unyielding need to kill as it rolls across the California sands heading toward LA, and somewhere along the way stops to watch a lot of classic car tv shows, movies and classic nascar. Attack The Block; a British attempt at a ghetto vs. aliens film, which starts off abit silly and kind of dumb, but after the first 15 minutes picks up and becomes one of the most delightful films I've seen in the whole humans vs. aliens genre in a long time, plus it helped me get the bad taste of the film Skyline out of my memory, which was a much needed scrubbing, plus there is talks of making a tv series based on it, which I could honestly see working, not for long, but maybe a 6 episode run with as much of the original cast as I can.

Some Television you all should check out; The Fades; a story of humans with angelic powers who fight to prevent the end of the world brought about the undead, its perfect Halloween time watching. Bedlem; a UK series about a mental hospital being turned into an apartment complex, its losely based on the former Danvers Mental Institution, one of the most horrific places in america, that was turned into a high end apartment complex. Once Upon A Time; a rather interesting and dark twist on fairy tales set in smalltown Maine. A little side note about The Fades, if you saw the rather well made and delightfully trashy Stanley Park pilot from BBC last year, and you're as clever as me, you'll notice the neighborhood where they do the exterior shots of one of the character's homes, is the exact same neighborhood where that pilot was shot.

You know, I will admit, after much shock and teasing by every woman I know for the fact I didn't know Zachary Quinto, one of my favorite actors of the modern era is totally gay till he came out of the closet last week, I will say this, after seeing his Halloween costume he posted on his twitter, I would have known. Seriously, if you've not seen him dressed as “new york city's fireworks on july 4th” go hit up his twitter (giggity), seriously its the most hilariously gay thing ever, Check it out once you stop laughing at the fact I said “hit up his twitter” in a serious tone and with a straight face.

Everyone keeps telling me I should love Terra Nova, its got everything one could want; dinosaurs, adventure, that guy from Avatar everyone thinks is a good actor for some reason.. but I just can't fully get into it, I just keep looking at it and thinking of things they did wrong, like not bringing back proper building materials and equipment, or proper scientists who have actual knowledge of dinosaurs and what would be found in a world like that, or how they seem to have no issue at all destroying an entire other timeline that they know nothing at all of, because, you know, fuck those guys and their reality, no one cares about them, they can go to the shitty deny's on the other side of town from now on. All of it just adds up to me having a giant question mark and the word “Hmm..” over my head about the show. Also, I'm not that impressed with what will probably be the final season of House so far either.

I don't really care what anyone says, I'm super excited about the upcoming new movie starring The Muppets, plus I seriously love the spoof trailers, Epic. Now if I could only get someone to look at my Fraggle Rock movie script....

I know a lot of you are wondering about this, so I'll put all your wondering to rest, YES I am super excited about The Avengers the more set photos and clips I see, I love that they aren't really putting much info out there other then that they're united to fight against Loki and his trickery. I'm also rather excited that word has come down that all the ties that bind these recent marvel movies together leading up to The Avengers, will continue to bind them all together after they come together, plus word that Avengers 2 will have a different cast but cameos by the current ones, I seriously can't wait. Seriously though, Marvel Studios, buy back the rights to Spiderman, Fantastic Four, X-Men, Ghost Rider, Daredevil, and all the stray little kittens that are out there split among other studios, you need a full shared film universe, not just half of it. Plus, the marvel universe isn't the same without Peter Parker swinging around NYC, or mentions of Reed Richards inventing things, or the mention of mutants and the x-men in general, or even The Punisher and DareDevil running about the city working overtime, fighting crime, fighting crime. Plus with marvel putting out statements they feel their movies are chapters in movie sized comic books, and plan on using them as such, and that they wish to tell key storylines on the big screen, the awesome sauce is just amazing right now. So excited.

I might get flack for this, but, I would watch an entire episode of The Cleveland Show where you follow Cleveland Brown Jr. around all day just seeing what his day is like.

Alrighty, so as promised, once I finished everything else I had to say this week, I would spread forth my thoughts on the American take on the UK megahit series The X-Factor. And though I had thought of maybe just ignoring it and maybe writing about something else, like, how I hate there are 8 tv shows on tv about cake making at the moment, or 4 about midgets, or how I think its stupid the Hillsborough County Prison, where we keep pedophiles and child porn cases in my section of New Hampshire, is right on the highway, but also right across the street from a mini-golf/ice cream and burger stand, or something like that instead. But because I'm a people pleaser, I have to give the people what they want, me commenting on the rookie year of the American version of The X-Factor, and thus, because its what the people want, its what the people shall get, so lets get into it, before I start rambling about how awesome local television personality Fritz Weatherby is, which will mean nothing to all of you cuz you don't have a clue who he is... so.. lets get down into this...

Ok so, some of you might be amazed to discover, that I do not actually have any prior experience with The X-Factor, I always figured it was the same thing as American Idol, seeing as they have the same roots, assuming that, I figured there no reason to really pay attention to anything but the winner each year, after all one can only really put up with so much Simon Cowell in their life before you realize you wanna stab every douchebag in a tight dark teeshirt a haircut they stole from Richard Dean Anderson after his awesome kentucky waterfalls mullet phase, who thinks because they discovered 5ive and S Club 7 they're somehow entitled to be jerks to everyone.

I was amazed though, that though both concepts are alike, they are different in many key ways, and on theory alone, I'd actually give X-Factor an edge over the idol machine, I never liked the idea of Idol having an age limit, thats just moronic, because a music dream doesn't end at 30, and if you think it does, you're an idiot and no one cares what you think anyway you stupid Justin Bieber fan. I like that in X-Factor you have someone working with the contestants, molding them, instead of just tossing them out there on their own and expecting them to wing it, then tossing a winner out there expecting them to fly or fall on their faces, you have someone thats a go too thats in the business and can help you along if needs be, that should, assuming the mentor knows what they're doing, make for a better act by the time its over and done. I also like the sudden death aspect of X-Factor better, it allows for us to cut through all the dragging out of quarter and semi finals, though I do feel the build up rounds are abit much, you've gotta literally sing like 8 times before you make it to live tv tapings, and even at that point you can get cut one final time before it gets to the voting. That seems abit high pressure, but I guess that fits the idea of the show. I also rather like that they include groups and hip hop, I felt this gives you an all in one show vs. the many failed spin offs of the genre where they'd try to find group or rapper on their own and just failed miserably do to the lopsided ratio of shit talent picked to fill slots in a show of this nature vs. actual talent.

I only have three major issues with The X-Factor, and really two of them are more personal nitpickery instead of actual issues. My first issue, though it might sound abit narrow minded, is the lower end of the age spectrum, now I'm not saying there aren't talented young kids who could be out there putting the game on its head and making that big figga skrilla, but a lot of them at like 12 to 14 or so, aren't mentally or emotionally ready for what they'll have to deal with, plus, I just don't see how giving a not raving review of the work of someone that young could make the judges look like anything but an asshole, seriously who isn't gonna boo someone for telling a 12 year old kid they tanked a performance and then tell them the critical feedback they need to make it better? Most kids that age group, those watching live, and the viewers aren't gonna hear the important feedback to make it better that they'll be given, they'll just see a judge telling a little kid they fail at singing a certain song. No one wants to be THAT asshole, even if its important to their growth as an artist, it just looks mean. Unless that kid is Justin Bieber, then hate him all you like, specially now that its legal in most cities in the UK to hunt Bieber with a crossbow from Midnight to 6am. My other issues, as I stated are more nitpickery, I do not feel just because the judges felt the need to make two groups, to round out the groups category, that those two groups, which really aren't that good, should be pushed along to live shows simply because it seems the judges refuse to admit they might have been wrong, seriously, if you've not seen the show check on the website, they're “Lakoda Rayne” and “inTENcity”; one is a country pop girl group thats name sounds like a porn star and they all dress like slores, and the other is a random mash up of 10 not exactly talented kids that sound like a theme park show, its painful to watch. My last bit of nitpickery is in the choice of former Pussycat Doll and lover of wearing dresses so short and tight one most carefully sit down in them or they split in self destructive zones, Nicole Shrerzinger, as a judge. Ok I get it, she's hot, and not everyone is gonna wanna perv at cougartastic and completely insane Paula Abdul, but the problem is, even though she looks good in a tight slore suit, and apparently can sing moderately well, she doesn't really have the knowledge base of various genres of music or artists to properly work with the group she was given to work with, the over 30 group. It seems like a mistake to me, and that sucks because some of the over 30s could win the whole thing, infact I think the three that are left as of the top 12, have strong chances to win it all, with very few that I can see giving them a run.

Which leads me to my next point of interest, the actual talent of the show. Now, I have to admit, I see what the other critics have been saying about the show being a case of how many talented sob stories can you cram into one show, but Idol falls into that trope too, so I can let it go, but, also, unlike Idol, the talent that makes it through, thanks to the crowd, is infact very talented, not so/so with hopes of them growing in the Hollywood rounds, if you don't bring the very best, you don't have a chance in hell. As for the actual talent in general, they've got some great voices, and some I feel are just there because they're more of a package or a stage show, then a voice. Recent elimination and possibly the saddest of the sob stories and James Brown sound-alike, Dexter Haygood, for example, was more of a stage show then a singer, that doesn't make him any less talented then the others, but it makes it harder to showcase him, his unique but talented voice, and the stage show that a man who sounds like him would need, in a show of this nature, he's more of a go see them live singer then a listen to them on the radio singer, where in contrast, you have someone like LeRoy Bell, a man who was part of the short lived late 1970s soul group Bell and James, has written songs for Elton John, as well as played with Sir Elton as well as B.B King and many others, who when you listen to his voice, you just sit in wonder of how a man with such an amazing voice and such an ear for music, could have been overlooked for as long as he has been. But LeRoy is all voice and no real show, as a contrast to Dexter. Seriously, its mind-boggling, look him up.

There are other amazing talents as well that I feel have a chance at the crown, south Florida's contender for new latin diva Melanie Amaro, and lifetime original movie Stacy Francis, who will show down for the most powerful of the female voices, both have a chance at taking the whole thing if they keep with themselves on track. Other stand outs with a chance to actually make it to the winner's circle include; Rachel Crow, the youngest, and by far the most entertaining of the finalists, she might be more suited to be the likes of being an acting/singer double punch for a company like Disney that makes its own child stars then sets them loose in the wild after they grow up, but its ok, she's awesome. Other possible winners are Josh Krajcik, a guy who, when not trying to look like me, but sing astoundingly better then I wish I ever could, is normally making burritos at a shopping mall eatery. Josh's voice is amazing and has such a soulful sound to it, it just amazes me that this guy never went past the singing in bars stage of music. Another is rapper Chris Rene, who, not only is one of the most uplifting and positive stories in the competition, also set the internet on fire with his audition song, an original rap called “Young Homie”, which even had my mother, who is by no means a hip hop lover singing along and standing up and cheering by its end. As well as posibly the dark horse in this race, young soul singer Marcus Canty, who sounds like a soul singer straight out of the early 1990s, before R&B became bald idiots like Usher taking their shirts off and showing their abs more then about singing, plus, Marcus has the right to claim he sang right to a visibly turned on by his actions Rihanna, who was assisting judge LA Reid with selecting his final four, gotta put a guy who can use his voice to visibly get one of the world's most sought after women hot in the pants for him, in contention for the crown.

Fun Fact I found out this week; You might not know the name Shuki Levi, but if you were a child, or had a child between 1983 and now, you have heard his voice, or music he's composed, Shuki started out in the early 1980s as a failed pop singer, who was asked by Kenner toys to write and preform the theme songs as well as product the in show music for cartoons based on their biggest toy properties at the time; M.A.S.K and Jayce And The Wheeled Warriors, Levi wrote and recorded all the music for both series, even the themes, both of which most 1980s pop culture historians claim to be among the best themes of the era, from there Levi became in demand, creating themes and music for everything from Disney's Gummi Bears, to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or if you're in the UK Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles) to every single adaption of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Levi still puts out albums of his own music from time to time, though most critics find it odd that a guy that made an artform out of writing a theme to a cartoon or a show where people in spandex and motorcycle helmets do parkour to defeat people in foam rubber suits while pyrotechnics go off wildly behind them, can suck at making actual music for the masses. … And thats a fun fact, that I learned this week, and felt the need to share with you, because after all, knowledge is power, and knowing is half the battle, and knowing makes you, a superstar.

Songs I'm feeling this week: “Lucky” Katie Kole, “A Change Is A Coming” LeRoy Bell, “Dominion Road” The Mutton Birds, “Love The Way You Lie” Meghan Tonjes, “Empire State Of Mind” Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, “Shipping Up To Boston” The Dropkick Murphys, “White Trash Beautiful” Everlast, “The Transformers” Lion, “Creepshow” Kerli,“Tessie” The Dropkick Murphys, “Joline” Queen Adreena, “Feel This” Porsah Laine, “Companion To A King” Mieka Pauley, “Into The Mystic” Jason Isbell, “Self Destructive Zones” Drive By Truckers, “Sticks That Make Thunder” Steeldrivers, “Kabuki” by Aloan, “Window pain” Opeth, “Over The Hills And Far Away” Nightwish, “Akhasmak Ah” Nancy Ajram,

“The Longest Road” Morgan Page and Lizze (various remixes), “From The Delta To The Golden Gates” Barbra Blue.

And thats where I'm gonna finish ride thats so wild that Mr. Toad wishes his name was involved in it, even though I've no idea why I made a Wind In the Willows reference in this day and age, with so little giving a crap about it because it doesn't involve vampires or werewolves, but for now, as I always do, I shall end it with some random thoughts, to dazzle, amaze, annoying, and bewilder you all... so.. here we go...

I seriously do not care for 98% of reality tv. At what point did the world decide Nickleback still deserves radio play? And on Canadian rock bands, why haven't Big Sugar or The Tragically Hip get the love they deserve instead? I'm thinking about giving afew followers of mine alittle segment where they give me a list of music they're listening to whenever I get around to writing this each time, kind of an interactive thing. I really feel glad I sat down and wrote this out, I forgot how much I missed it. The reason I was away so long is because nothing really interesting happened in entertainment, it was all just reality tv show “star” bullshit, and well I just don't give a fuck who Kim Kardashian's giant ass is married too now, people who are famous because they sucked the neverwas brother of a has been pop singer from the 90s off on video, really shouldn't be “famous”, thats just how I see it I guess. I'm so happy Haven's getting a third season, my life needs more Emily Rose in it. I'm getting really tired of all these Paranormal shows out there on tv, seriously, I don't care if Donny Most from Happy Days had an encounter with a ghost, because more then likely, that ghost was the ghost of his career, its been dead sense 1984 after all. American Horror Story is a lot like Marchlands, but instead of Alex Kingston hotting things up when it gets boring, you have Dylan McDermitt with out pants on, somehow that doesn't really seem like a great trade off to me. Speaking of Alex Kingston, if you haven't seen her short “River Song: My Story” from the final episode of Doctor Who Confidential, you have too, its a wonderful and beautiful thing. I'm so excited Misfits comes back tonight!!! Also, seriously I'm getting tired of waiting for the new Being Human series to start. Speaking of Being Human, I'd love a shirt that says “Team Annie” mostly because, well, Annie's awesome. And finally, one last thing I wish you all to remember, and take with you always, “Akhasmak, aah. Aseebak, la. Wi gowah ilroah hatifdhal habeebi illi ana bah-waah. Bahibbak, aah. Wa afarkak, la.” Remember it always, for its how I feel for all of my fans who love what I write, thank you all so very much.

And that is where I shall end it for this installment my fellow Indigo Children, so until next whenst we meet, I wish you all good times and blessid be your souls.

BC

The Hasbroverse: Connecting The Cartoons Of The 1980s

The Hasbroverse:

Greatest Kept Secret Of The 1980s

Or Just Geekdom Gone Into Overdrive?

Its been said many times over, and will be said many times over again in the future, the 1980s was probably the best time to have been of cartoon watching age, we had so many things that you just don't find in modern cartoons, actual indepth and detailed storytelling, adventure, conflict, good vs. evil, all of this sort of stuff that you just don't find in today's world of sloppily dubbed anime about 14 year old kids with overly spikey hair on motorcycles playing some modern version of Mille Bornes but with monsters, or kids playing with tops or pogs whatever stupid goofy things kids are into these days. You see, back then, it was a whole other ballgame, oh sure 90% of cartoons back in the 1980s were to sell toys, but they weren't so blatant about it, we never let the infomercial aspect of it all get past the ability to tell a story, sure it wasn't always the greatest story, infact most of the time the stories weren't really much more then a little rascals style plot of two rival clubhouses playing jokes on each other, but we didn't care, they were, and still are very awesome, even with a sarcastic tint to the glasses we look at them through today.

And its through those aged all be it sarcastic glasses, that afew years ago, it started to become clear to a very few, that there was a pattern that none of us in our youth had even noticed, and when word started to spread, it just amazed us all how deep this pattern went. See, in the 1980s, the king of toy companies was Hasbro/Takara (now Hasbro/TakaraTomy), they had the top selling toylines for boys in The Transformers and G.I Joe: A Real American Hero, and the second and third top selling toys for girls in My Little Pony and Jem And the Holograms. All iconic toy lines, three of which are still in production today, and in the case of The Transformers, has been in constant production sense 1983. Now thats all impressive enough, but, what if I told you, that these four toy lines turned iconic classic cartoons, along with three other lesser known lines also by the same company; Inhumaniods, Battle Beasts and C.O.P.S, were all set in the same universe, much like how comic book characters all interact with each other in a shared world? And what if I told you that thanks to them all being written by the same handful of people who went on to become well known comic book writers, and that they and Hasbro intended it to be that way from the very start? Kind of hard to believe isn't it? That such girl aimed things as Jem and My Little Pony would actually be in the same world and be happening at the same time as the autobots were fighting the decepticons, and the joes were fighting cobra, but believe me, its completely true. And though you can argue that its because Hasbro marketed their shows as blocks, and bought a lot of the add time during said blocks of airtime, which would fill the airwaves with adverts for its products, but that wasn't really enough for the writers, being comic book writers to the core, they set about dropping subtle little hints here and there connecting all of these shows together, some of the hints were pretty obvious, some were momentary and if you missed them you wouldn't get them, but be sure, they are all infact there, and they are infact all intentional, and have been from the concept stages.

So the question must be asked, how exactly do I have proof positive that The Transformers, G.I Joe: A Real American Hero, Jem And The Holograms, Inhumaniods, Battle Beasts, C.O.P.S, and My Little Pony all happened in the same universe at the same time? Well to answer that, lets play connect the dots (lala lala lala), starting from the same point that I started at, and then we'll go from there...

My trip into this wonderful world started with a quote from long time comic book and cartoon writer Buzz Dixon, who when asked about his involvement with, of all things, My Little Pony: The Movie, stated the following:

“Funny story about an early draft of the My Little Pony movie: I was asked to punch up the original treatment. Basically this consisted of indicating where various music scenes could go, adding more magic and gee-whiz to otherwise pedestrian talking head scenes, etc. At one point one of the Little Ponies had to go looking for...something or someone, I forget. I suggested she encounter some of the Transformers and Joes in her search, specifically, a scene where she flies up to Shipwreck who is drinking some amber fluid from a bottle. Shipwreck would just stare at her in bug-eyed disbelief and she’d fly on, then Shipwreck would smash the bottle, take his cap off his head, put his left hand over his heart and raise his right hand in an oath, muttering frantically under his breath. Hasbro said, ‘Very funny. No.’”

This is what had me thinking at first, if they could just casually drop such a key character as Shipwreck, a fan favorite member of the G.I Joe team who was prominently featured in the first two seasons of the G.I Joe: A Real American Hero series, and consider dropping in various Transformers for a cameo in a series about magic ponies that fly about and sing and whatever other stuff they did on that show, then that obviously means they thought maybe cross promotion would be pretty normal for the course. This is what set me on a fact finding mission to see just how, or if, this idea had gone past just a silly drawing board idea to keep writers from getting bored, or if there was more meat to it. And soon after my quest started, I found what I think is possibly the biggest piece in this puzzle, thats where I found Hector Ramirez, the most traveled character in the entire Hasbroverse.

Hector Ramirez is ment to be the animated version of still credible in 1984 journalist Geraldo Rivera, who had yet to lose his credibly by not really opening up Al Capone's vault on live television. Much like this real world counterpart, Hector is known for his hard hitting ambush style investigative reporting, slanting his facts in whatever direction he feels the public should go. His trademark mustache and brown coat are how you recognize him in each of his appearances, appearing in four of the seven series, first appearing in three episodes of G.I Joe, one episode of Jem and one episode of The Transformers, before appearing atleast once per episode in all 13 episodes of Inhumaniods, though it should be noted that only in his G.I Joe and Inhumaniods appearances were the only ones where he is directly called by name, in the other two, he is voiced by the same man each time he's appeared, and looks relatively the same. Hector is listed in the script and series bibles of each of the shows as a “Crossover Character” again, implying from the start that from the start, it was all intended to be connected.

From Hector Ramirez, my drip took me to a character by the name of Brad J. Armbruster, a character who first appeared on G.I Joe: A Real American Hero as the master pilot called “Ace”, he was featured prominently in the first two years of G.I Joe, and then was never really seen again on the show, around this time, a character called Brad J. Armbruster, who happens to be a master pilot appears in the first episode of The Inhumaniods, where he is shot down by one of the main villains of the series, his legs are greatly damaged and he is no longer able to walk under his own power, he is then given a special suit by a group called The Earth Corps, that allows him to walk and fly, he takes on the name Sabre Jet and transfers from his elite combat unit, to the Earth Corps where he joins their ranks full time. This is the first time that a major character from one show has been transferred to another, Ace retains his same look he does in G.I Joe, he retains the same voice actor and personality as well. Oddly though, once becomes Sabre Jet, Brad never mentions his former team or what they do, but thats kind of customary, even though all of these shows are going on at the same time, and you see glimpses and stuff, but there is no real official direct references, which is, ofcourse why I had to write this article in the first place.

From researching the whole Ace/Sabre Jet connection, I ofcourse was drawn to the plethora of characters that was the cast of G.I Joe, because, you know, when you're looking for a central hub for your toy line universe, where better then a show that by definition is about a giant unit of military personnel thats whole job is to shoot one type of gun or rocket drive a certain vehicle or one certain type of specialist job no matter how obscure? And in two cases, thats just what Hasbro's writing troop did!

In the second season of G.I Joe, we were introduced to a character named Beachhead, he was kind of a jerk and all we really knew of him other then this was that he was number 5 in line of command of the Joe Team, and that his name was Wayne R. Sneeden Jr, which kind of explains why he's such a jerk. Now when you take a look at probably the most obscure line of these seven, C.O.P.S, which is basically just G.I Joe set in the future with a different lead villain, you notice there is a character there by the codename Checkpoint, and when you check his file card, his name happens to be, Wayne R. Sneeden III, and it states his father “was part of an elite anti-terrorist military unit that fought a ruthless terrorist organization bent on world domination during the 1980s and 1990s.”, which would indicate that Checkpoint is infact Beachhead's son. In a similar situation, the C.O.P.S K-9 unit, called “Bowser and Blitz” who, share an almost telepathic connection, are in look, design, and voice actor, exactly the same to G.I Joe military police K-9 unit “Mutt and Junkyard”, with statement on their profile card that they come from a long line of MP Officers specializing in K-9 use. There is more stuff connection G.I Joe, but I'll get to that in a minute....

For now, we'll do the simple and easy one, all of the music (except for three tracks “cold slither”, “the cobra who got away” and a rock and roll version of the G.I Joe theme which were written for G.I Joe) used in The Transformers, G.I Joe and The Inhumaniods, came from the series Jem And The Holograms, they just didn't use the lyrics, but if you take the time, you can connect every single instrumental to each song used in the Jem series, either preformed by Jem And The Holograms, The Misfits, The Stingers, or any of the other bands that appeared on that show. This one is the one that makes logical sense really, you have a bunch of cartoons all for toys by the same company, all drawn by the same company, all dubbed by the same company, it makes logical sense that you'd use the music thats already right there and isn't gonna cost you anything. But still, given how often Jazz and Blaster would use music to drive off the Decepticons and various other evil doers, its pretty hilarious to realize they were driving them off with songs by a pop band.

The Jem series also had one prominent scene in the episode “Broadway Magic” that featured a television screen that had a news broadcast on featuring Inhumaniod monster D’Compose fighting off some Earth Corps officers. Jem also featured an episode with a hard hitting interview by Hector Ramirez, which we mentioned earlier. The main “villains” on Jem, an all punk girl band The Misfits, were often shown in the company of three men that most will recognize as Torch, Buzzer and Ripper, collectively known as The Dreadnoks, the mercenaries who with their leader Zartan, were prominent members of Cobra in the first two seasons of G.I Joe, you also see The Misfits afew times in G.I Joe when you see The Dreadnoks during their down time at their home, an abandoned amusement park in the florida everglades, its believed that The Misfits met The Dreadnoks when they were posing as the rock band Cold Slither (You'll read about that more in a minute).

I'll get this last one out of the way before the big finish to this, most people aren't aware, but the short lived series and toy line Battle Beasts, sort of a 1980s attempt Pokemon for those that don't remember, were infact an offshoot of The Transformers, and featured heavily into their history and Japanese comic book appearance. They first appeared in a cartoon we did not get here in america called Transformers: Headmasters, featuring transformers thats heads detached and become smaller robots while the body transformed as well. They appeared in (If I recall correctly) three episodes of the show, and were then launched into their own line, their rubsigns, which here in america had elemental symbols, in japan, had either autobot for good or decepticon for bad symbols, and the line was called “Beastformers” over there. When the short lived tv series was created and aired here in the states, there were very few hints of any that they were connected to the transformers, but rest assured, they are deeply entrenched in the history of that franchise, though had The Transformers franchise in america had been given a forth season instead of the series ender “Rebirth”, and if the short lived battlebeast series had lasted more then 13 episodes mostly aired at like 6am on a sunday morning, we were told there would have been a bigger connection between the two.

And now the final part of this article, the connections between Hasbro's too flagship lines, and flagship programs, the overwelming connections between The Transformers and G.I Joe: A Real American Hero. I'll start with the most obvious ones, in the third season of The Transformers, set in the year 2006, much like the series C.O.P.S, as apposed to 1986 or so like the other shows were, there is a character by the name of Marissa Faireborn, an officer of an organization called the Earth Defense Corps, or EDC for short, given its logo its implied to be a large scale future version of the Earth Corps from The Inhumaniods, Marissa Faireborn is an interesting character because she looks like, and shares a voice with, popular G.I Joe character Lady Jaye, who was implied to be dating fellow Joe team member Flint, who's name was Dashiell Faireborn, in one episode, Marissa is shown a hologram of her father, who is dressed like and voiced by the same voice actor as Flint, and much like with Checkpoint and Bowser and Blitz, we're to believe that Marissa is the daughter of, not one, but two members of the G.I Joe Team.

The Transformers season three actually makes no attempt to hide the connection with G.I Joe, and makes it actually more blatant later on, in an episode where a mobster hires a mysterious scientist by the name of “old snake” who has a machine that can swap a robot's mind into a human body, and a human's mind into a robot's body. Whats interesting is that Old Snake wears a big fedora hat and a long trench coat, and a distinctive blue suit and metal mask that looks unmistakeably like the suit and mask worn by Cobra Commander, they drop several blatant implications through the entire episode that he is infact Cobra Commander, even his final statement of the episode, where he's walking off into the night, Old Snake says “They just don't make terrorists like they used too...” followed by Old Snake yelling the distinctive “COOOBRRAAA!!” battlecry as he walks off with a hand raised. If we're to believe that was implied in the profile card of Checkpoint from C.O.P.S, then it stands to reason that G.I Joe finally defeated Cobra, or atleast splintered it into other smaller groups, which would explain shows like C.O.P.S and later futuristic incarnations of G.I Joe.

There are more, less obvious connections between the two shows, in the second season of The Transformers episode “Prime Target”, the episode starts out with Red Star of the Oktober Guard, the USSR's version of G.I Joe (haha love that cold war wackyness), testing an experimental top secret version of what looks like a MIG fighter jet called Red Oktober One, which is then stolen by the episode's one time villain, as a set up to introduce and explain said villain as a big game hunter/collector of rare things, as well as his feeling the need to hunt Optimus Prime for sport, believing him the ultimate in big game hunting. This episode was pretty horrible over all, but did allow for the greatest Optimus Prime line ever said, “Amazing, a booby trap that actually catches boobies”.

Another less obvious connections happened in the episode “Autobop”, which was intended as a homage to the whole urban meets kung fu genre of blaxploitation films of the 1970s, where in you find the Decepticons actually recycle a COBRA plot, taking the COBRA plot to use subliminal messages to control the population of the world, they hid said subliminal messages in a song they wrote and produced called “Cold Slither” and had The Dreadnoks pose as a rock band of the same name. Autobop finds The Decepticons actually using the exact same instrumental as Cold Slither to enslave those who go to a dance club called Danceatron into building an energy station for them. Autobop really was only ment to showcase a fight between both tapedecks Soundwave and Blaster, but it ended up becoming more known for just how hilariously the episode was written with tons of forced in 1980s pop music references, but thats a story for another time.

Another connection between The Transformers and G.I Joe: A Real American Hero happened in two separate episodes that don't at first seem connected, but at closer explanation, they are. In the G.I Joe episode “The Primordial Plot”, COBRA creates an army of cloned dinosaurs on an uncharted island for the means of using them as weapons of terroristic nature, in the end of the episode, as per normal course of action, COBRA has been defeated by the Joe team, and sense no one really has any place to keep giant dinosaurs, you know, because they're giant dinosaurs and they need room to stomp about and do dinosaury things, the Joes decide to just leave the cloned dinosaurs on not Jurassic Park, leaving the island uncharted as to keep others from happening across Denver The Last Dinosaur and all his cartoon pals, or so you think! In The Transformers two part episode “Dinobot Island”, while exploring the planet earth on a day when they weren't beating up Decepticons, the autobots came across an island that isn't on any maps and is, much to their surprise, populated with dinosaurs, which they figure is a good way to keep the dinobots, the dinosaur based Autobot heavy weapons team, when they aren't needed and as well as giving them a place all of their own, naming it Dinobot Island, the Dinobots kind of move in and proceed to get their dinosaur on. What is interesting is, when the autobots find the island, its surrounded by a forcefield of some kind, and though it wasn't shown during the primordial plot, it is possible that the Joe team left a giant forcefield around the island to not only protect it from invaders, but protect the rest of the world from the dinosaurs, after all, if a flyer got off the island and made it to civilization, then bad stuff would happen, the reason the transformers could pass through said forcefield could be explained simply with belief that transformers, being built out of a metal called “cybertronium” and having many other non-earth material and wiring and the like, could simply pass through a forcefield aimed at earth based people and machines sense they're on different wavelengths as it were.

In truth there are many other things connecting all seven of these series together, but they're small things you'd need to dig deep into the histories to find, and though I am aware of them through research, I feel I've made my point here, there was, and is, a connection between seven distinct cartoons and toylines in the 1980s, and recently it was confirmed, and stated that all of hasbro's properties happen in the same universe, which makes things a lot more confusing given that in recent years Hasbro has bought out rival companies Kenner, Tonka, and Galubob, its been implied that other 1980s lines like M.A.S.K, The Visionaries, The Go-Bots, The Rock Lords, and many more are now part of that same universe, this concept seems in recent years to be having some weight, given that in a recent comic book set in the Transformers: Animated continuity, the team encountered, and more importantly called by name, a Rock Lord, from the shortlived 1980s Go-Bot spin off line, as well as recently G.I Joe added Matt Tracker, leader of M.A.S.K, complete with mask “spectrum” and his accessories were what made up the popular mask “adventure pack” set, Matt's bio even mentions the organizations M.A.S.K and V.E.N.O.M which were the main focus of the cartoon M.A.S.K., adding them both into the Hasbroverse, much to the protest of hardcore Joefans, but really no one cares what they think because G.I Joe fans can't seem to write a proper wiki.

So there you have it, in a short as can be version, the connections that link together, possibly the most popular toylines and cartoons of the 1980s, well except He-Man and Thundercats, but thats a whole other matter, but for now, I hope you've enjoyed reading my latest attempts at bringing you all into the geek forest, and maybe its made you think, or maybe learn something you didn't know before. Either way, I hope you all enjoyed it...


---------

BC

Mr. Collins Explains Twilight

Mr. Collins Explains Twilight:

A Realist's Look At How Stephenie Meyer Destroyed

Iconic Classic Horror Archtypes For Us All

I was inspired to write this while watching "Vampires Suck" the other day, and though it does an alright job spoofing what is possibly the worst movie series sense they thought it was a good idea to make more then one Weekend At Bernie's film, I felt in what seemed like their rushing to get it out while it was still topical, they pulled alot of punches and fell abit short of actually making true fun of this film series. So I thought, in the spirit of all that is fun and truthful, and the fact that I'm snowed in at the moment, oh, and for the good of the world, I would explain to those of you who either have avoided, or are clueless to all things Twihard, the ins and outs of the series that according to Ms. Kayla Patterson of Santa Barbra California, is the creation of vampires and werewolves, you know, because those hundreds of years of folklore and literature before the first Twilight book was published, never happened, and everyone knows Stephenie Meyer created vampires and werewolves, zomg for serious, how can you not know that?? .... god I wish I was making that up.. I really wish I was, so help me, I wish I was. I fear for the future.

So I guess the best way to start this out is to sort of deal with the elephant in the room, which is ofcourse the most asked question about the series; "Whats the point of it all?" And well thats pretty simple. Publishers know that angsty tween and teenage girls, milfs, cougars and middle aged women that aren't married and don't have massive collections of living cats or teddybears or living cats dressed as teddybears, all like a good mediocrely written bit of emotional wank material. To publishers, this kind of drivel pays the bills and puts their kids through whatever community college they're going too till their parents hand them a publishing company. Publishers don't care about prestige of honored and celebrated authors anymore, they just care about making money. Twilight and its following books were published for the same reason John Grisham keeps writing the same novel over and over again for about 20 years, because publishers know it'll make money. Lots and lots of money. After all thats all that matters, like Wu-Tang Clan said Cash Rules Everything Around Me, get the money, dollar dollar bill y'all.

No one is really sure why the target demographics felt the need to make the twilight series so popular, maybe its because deep down, every woman in the demographics want to live out their fantasy where they turn their gay BBF straight and they take them to the prom and get married and buy them a pony and have little babies and a misbehaving puppy that stays in the yard. Maybe they all deep down want to have fatalistic relationships that deep down they know are doomed to end in ruins, but somehow magically don't. Or maybe its the other reason, the one reason that no one ever really wants to think about, the fact that deep down, all its readers wish nothing more then to be treated like shit by two hot guys with mental and social issues, apparently its every woman's secret dream to be in a lovelorn and love torn story of courting between two lovers who both love the same woman, one who is mentally abusive and loves to toy with a woman's feelings and emotions, which is ok because he's a loner with a deep soul, and the other is a physically abusive douchebag who is prone to fits of rage, anger and violence at time, but its ok because deep down he really cares about her.

Seriously does this shit read like a lifetime original movie or what? Honestly, all it needs is a rape, kidnapped children or the woman or her kids being held against their will somewhere, and either star the mom from Growing Pains, Valerie Bertanderny, or Meredith Baxter Bernie, and its a lifetime original movie, just with alittle sci fi, you know, because chicks dig vampires and werewolves, or whatever the hell kind of Furry that Vincent from Beauty and The Beast was.

Its not just the hacked together and horribly written and plotted story that makes these films and the books that spawned them so unbearable, its the characters, I mean honestly, betwixt their lazily created names, and fanfiction like backgrounds that would make a guy that writes serious Smurf fanfiction cry in pain at how horrible and angsty they are to get through. Here, take a look at the three main characters to see what I mean...

Bella Swan:

"I've never given much thought to how I would die. But dying in the place of someone I love seemed like a good way to go." - the first quote of Bella from Twilight, yes even the first page is angsty.

Bella is basically your average lonely misunderstood girl who is misunderstood and lonely because she's misunderstood. Chances are she spends her free time that doesn't involve being stalked by faux-werewolves and vampires who watch her sleep, watching Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill and probably downloads episodes of Hollyoaks, Shortland Street and Packed To The Rafters because she just needs more angst in her life. When she's not being an angst magnet or dreaming about creatures of the night taking her to the prom and buying her a pony, a castle and a Mazda Miata, she probably spends her time listening to My Chemical Romance, Echo And The Bunny-men, and her secret love, Kraftwerk, some of her angst comes from not being able to tell her friends of her secret love of German industrial/techno for fear she'll be kicked out of the fake wiccan coven the goth kids accepted her into after she drank that tomato juice they claimed was blood.

Bella is your basic idiot emokid thats emo for no reason at all. She has a good life with a father that might have made alot of mistakes, is attempting to try and make up for it, even if he buys her a shitty old truck he got from local indians that fixed it up when they weren't gambling or guilting white people about things that happened a hundred years before any of them was ever born and shouldn't really have any baring on modern society, but atleast he's trying to bridge the gap. Bella's just an emokid and wants to feel depressed because people notice the depressed girl, they don't notice the girl that is devoid of all personality and social skills doodling things in her notebooks like "I heart Vlad Teppes" where in closer inspection you find out Vlad Teppes is her cat or some other wanna be emo/goth shit. Bella, like every other emogirl like her that doesn't slut it up with pleather, corsets and kneeboots and the like, has no real idea what relationships are ment to be like, and she, ofcourse gets herself stuck in a love triangle between two abusive teenage boys, who are damaging in different ways, something Bella doesn't mind because it really just feeds her angsty angstastic angstarific angst, which is really all Bella's got going for her. She's kind of like Keira "skinnypants" Knightly in that respect, just with big girl boobs, not a training set like Keira has.

Edward Cullen:

"I'm the world's most dangerous predator. Everything about me invites you in. My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that. As if you could outrun me. As if you could fight me off. I'm designed to kill."

If that quote didn't atleast wound you with its attack of emo and angst, then you are a more powerful person then I am. Seriously, if you thought Bella was angsty with all her angst and depression and super mega ultra angst, then wait till you see Edward, the main "hero" of the books and the films and spends 90% of the first three books in the series in a fight to the death turned bromantic relationship with Jacob Black, his rival for Bella's one dimensional soulless version of "love". Edward is your basic post Anne Rice vampire who instead of being the ultimate in predatory creatures of the night, has been turned into what basically counts as every girl's gay best friend thats still hot enough to allow for girls to dream about him going straight for them, except instead of how a gay best friend has to struggle with their constant unending love of the cock, Edward must struggle with his eternal thirst is for human blood.... and his unending love of the cock. In a sense he's a female masturbatory aid if you're into dark loner types who chances are have an ipod full of Atrayu, Fall Out Boy and Hawthorne Heights.

I feel at this point I should mention that though he shares the many traits of post Dark Shadows movie and television vampires; being able to be outside in the daylight, ice cold skin that no one seems to mind for some odd reason, special powers, mood swings caused by a desire to be human again so you an feel emotions, depression caused by having everything you could ever want except "true love", caring about the innermost feelings of depressive lonely girls, ect, with Edward its taken one step farther away from the ultimate apex predator, and pushed closer to wacky gay sidekick by making him sparkle in the sunlight. Yes, you read that correctly, apparently now vampires sparkle in the sunlight, which not only makes them easier for vampire hunters and snipers to find, but it makes them as threatening and scary as your average one hit wonder rapper. Yeah, thats right, as far as vampires go, Edward Cullen is about as scary as Count Chocula and Count Von Count. Though to be fair, among vampires Count Chocula is seen as kind of an Uncle Tom, so I guess that really isn't a good reference point, but whatever, you get the idea.

Jacob Black:

"I know how you're unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn't help anything, but I wanted you to know that I'm always here. I won't ever let you down. I promise that you can always count on me."

If you haven't figured it out by now Jacob Black is kind of creepy. He's a werewolf thats not really a werewolf in a pack of not really werewolves who just act like werewolves because they're native american and can get away with odd shit like that because they're native american. Jacob in the books and films is kind of like a puppy, not the cute take them to the park and pick up girls kind of puppy, the kind that when you leave for work gets mad and rips up your couch and shits on your bed out of anger that you had the nerve to leave them for any length of time, kind of puppy. He is constantly trying to get Bella to notice him as more then just a friend, which accounts for why his shirt is off 90% of the entire film series, though its best to forget about his "pack" which are all just creepy dead eyed guys with the same build as Jacob and the same weird need to be shirtless, maybe its a not really a werewolf even though we act like werewolves thing...

Jacob is the character that really makes me laugh the most out of this whole horrible series, really he is, Jacob spends the better part of the books and films stuck in Bella's Friendzone until he becomes a wolf and then forgets how to wear a shirt, it speaks volumes about him and about Bella when you realize that the only reason she even gives this guy any notice is because he goes from dorky loser to that teenage boy that cleans your parents pool and does their lawn work every summer that you find out years later was having sex with all the hot housewives in the neighborhood. It basically says that Bella's kind of shallow abit because she didn't notice the idiot till he took his shirt off to show her that he had a six pack and a VIP ticket for her to the gun show. Now this might seem kind of cute and all, but you have to understand one thing, Jacob Black is wolfshit crazy and violent beyond what you'd expect in a book turned film series like this. All of his lines are either super creepy stalker lines to Bella or lines to Edward about how he's going to kill him in a jealous rage, even after him and Edward start their bromantic relationship. In a sense, Jacob is every girl's exboyfriend turned stalker that used to knock them around abit. And he serves as the female masturbatory aid for those women that like it rough or dangerous, or have a thing for the teenage boy that cleans pools in your neighborhood, who probably has an ipod full of thrash and death metal that he likes to play when he's doing the hot lady across the street, or smacking a girl around for not doing what he says. Because you know, thats how he rolls.

And thats basically all you need to know about who's who and what goes on in Twilight, oh sure I could go into depth about how silly the plot is in general, how its so predictable that Edward takes Bella to the prom and they become Prom King and Queen, and how they get all angsty about sex, and how they get vampire married and have a vampire baby and how Bella becomes a vampire, and all the idiotic angry stuff Jacob does, and just the general wrongness of all the things the films teach the youth of america and the world, but so many have covered that already, and really, I just wanted to make fun of something cuz I'm snowed in at the moment. And well I've done that! So, I hope you all have enjoyed my lampooning of this global juggernaut that really shouldn't be, as much as I enjoyed writing it. So, until next we meet, blessid be.

Oh and also, one last thing, Team Belmont (the vampire/werewolf/monster hunters from the castlevania video games) for the win!

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BC

The Best And Worst Of Saturday Mornings Pt. 2

 
Trips In The WayBack Machine # 2-A

The Best Of Saturday Morning Programing

Continued from The Worst List

Last time was the worst of Saturday mornings, this time, its the best, so with out any large explanation, where we go, right into the 10 best things to ever air on a Saturday morning. I should state though, I keep stating Saturday morning for a reason, I figured it best to exclude first run syndication stuff like Transformers, G.I Joe and the like because if i didn't, I wouldn't give the true feeling of Saturday Morning, and I feel I'd be cheating all of you, and sadly though, as it omits alot of the awesomeness of the 1980s weekday afternoon fodder, it also negates shows like Johnny Quest, The Flintstones, The Jetsons, Space Ghost and many others which were originally aired in primetime slots.

Ok with that said, here we go....

The 10 Best Saturday Morning Programs Of All Time:

10. Adventures of the Gummi Bears

Let it be known far and wide, that this one would have made the top 10 simply for the theme song alone, but believe me, there was alot more to it then just an incredible and infectious theme song. Gummi Bears was proof that when Disney thought outside of its box, they could not only create something that was visually beautiful and strikingly pleasing in traditional Disney animation style, but also something with a rich, deep and intricate plot. Gummi Bears was an experiment of sorts, an experiment in breaking from the Disney chain and starting new ground for the company, a test that would later see not only a long and beloved run for The Gummi Bears, but would later give birth to Disney greats such as Ducktales, Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers, Tailspin, the often forgotten but amazing Darkwing Duck, and ofcourse, Gargoyles, the greatest Disney animation ever created. Yes, even better then Kim Possible. But Gummi Bears on its own was an incredibly good story, sort of midevil steampunk in a way with an incredible backstory that was always being added too, and not once in the shows run had it felt tired and used up after a short time, which happens alot in saturday morning programs, oddly though, Disney has done very little in terms of marketing merchandise, even to this day, its kind of like Gargoyles in that respect, insanely beloved, but never really acknowledged or shown love by the parent company for some unknown reason. Shame really.

9. Mission Magic

Made as a spin off of sorts to the horrible cartoon about the kids from The Brady Bunch as a pop band with magic powers, Mission Magic starred then unknown in America Rick Springfield, who was sort of a teen heartthrob in his native australia in 1973, but it really had nothing to do with The Brady Kids other then that it was musical and solved mysteries with magic. However unlike The Brady Kids, Mission Magic stands out for many reasons, for the time period the animation was incredible, in the time when Hanna Barbara was pushing the music and animation drug trip angle with almost every cartoon they made, Mission Magic took more of a Yellow Submarine style approach to it, high end art with the perfect colors for the mood and expression, it was at times incredibly beautiful to look at, even if you didn't care much for the show itself, plus, alot of the songs are pretty pleasing to the ears and are a joy to listen too for a look at. Mission Magic, though a total drug trip of sorts based around Miss Tickle, a magical teacher who's classroom you entered through a drawn door in a magic chalkboard, and could also enter our world where she would use her magic to teach through adventures of various kinds. And if you are thinking that sounds familiar, or if Miss Tickle looks familiar to you, then you're right, she does, the show was remade in the 1990s as The Magic Schoolbus, with Lily Tomlin as Miss Frizzle, an almost exact copy of Miss Tickle in personality and looks, just with a magical schoolbus instead of being inside of being inside a door drawn in the land of chalk drawings. If you know where to look, you can find the series on DVD, its really worth a watch if you'd like a nice trip back in time to a simpler time, long before Rick Springfield wished that he had Jessie's Girl or took that job at General Hospital.

8. The Jackson Five

For whatever reason in the 1970s, every single cartoon was about a band, normally a band that solved mysteries or were superheroes on the side, so the logical step was to take a band that the kids love, and give them a cartoon where they basically goof about and have fun. The Jackson Five wasn't really about anything other then the band getting into wacky and goofy adventures that lead to comical outcomes and mixed in with musical numbers sung by the band. Like most other shows of its kind, the real band voiced their own characters, and had a hand in designing the look and movements and the like. The Jackson Five to this day is harolded as possibly one of the greatest cartoons of its era because it really was a hit with everyone, it didn't matter where you were from, you knew who the Jackson Five was, and you knew they had a cartoon, it successes where dreck like Rickity Rocket and Street Frogs fail horribly, which given the political and racial climate in the world at the time, was an incredible feat, Micheal himself said many times that the most fun he had was becoming an animated character. The show has now gained a giant cult following, specially after Micheal's death when two whole new generations were introduced to this lovely masterpiece. If you've not seen it, go have a look. :)

7. Sigmund And The Sea Monsters

When I was a child, my parents sat me down infront of a television on a sunday morning, turned the dial, this was back when televisions had dials, to a local indie channel that went on to become one of the flagship FOX stations, and I remember them telling me to watch with them. For the next few hours my eyes were opened to the world of Sid and Marty Krofft, two brothers who were completely insane, but were able to make insanity profitable. The first of the shows they aired, and my personal favorite, was Sigmund And The Sea Monsters, starring the great Billy Barty as Sigmund, the cutest sea monster there has ever been. Sigmund was not interested in scaring humans like his family, Sigmund would rather be friendly and enjoy life, he saw no point is scaring humans just because "its what sea monsters do", Sigmund wanted to be is own Sea Monster, a kinder gentler Sea Monster who could suck at Volleyball and you wouldn't be scared to tell him, because he won't rip your arms off and beat you with them, because thats not how Sigmund rolled. This was my gateway drug into the trippy world of The Kroffts, and to this day, I still love it so very much. But anyone thats seen my Sigmund Action Figure, which sits next to my H.R Pufnstuf action figure can tell you I'm still a fan. Oddly though, I couldn't find video of "You better run you better hide" the second season ending theme.

6. Spiderman (1967)

I wanted to add atleast one superhero cartoon here, and though I could do many great ones that have been made over the years, I picked this one simply because it was marvel's first saturday morning attempt, and their second cartoon attempt over all, second to the super rare but also insanely cult 1966 Marvel Superheroes Show that aired weekday afternoons in a very small market, back when you could air shows in very small markets and be ok with it. Spiderman kind of sums up everything that would eventually follow with comic book based cartoons until the 1990s when everything became serious and no fun, Spiderman was as funny as it was serious, and it truly gave you the feel of the character, Spiderman is funny and serious at the same time, and actually enjoys his work, much like any of us would if we were suddenly given powers like this, plus the theme song, that lovely lovely theme song that just drips awesome all over the place. To farther explain my point of why this show was so great and worthy of a spot in the best, I'll give you this clip, possibly one of the greatest bits of 1960s animation ever...



Yeah thats some good old fashion awesome... I could watch that all day long.

5. Tennessee Tuxedo and His Tales

I have said this many times, and I will continue to say it till the day that I die, everything that I learned about science, I learned from Phineas J. Whoopee and his marvelous 3.D.B.B (Three Dimensional Black Board), and it was all thanks to this amazing bit of early animation that still stacks up today among the all time greatest. When they talk of iconic television, they talk of characters that years later have become part of our every day culture, the things they say, the stuff they've done, their names, all of it, all iconic, Tennessee Tuxedo is sort of a textbook case of ironically iconic animation, its the goofy story of a penguin named Tennessee Tuxedo and his friend, the rare south pole walrus Chumley, they live in a zoo and as they strive to be seen on the same level as human beings, always doing some scheme or another that would get them recognition from humankind, the whole time annoying the hell out of Zoo director Stanley Livingston, and getting help from every mad scientist's idol, Prof. Phineas J. Whoopee, owner and creator of The 3D Blackboard or 3DBB, and sometimes they're either helped, or hindered by the other animals in the zoo as well. Its goofball comedy before goofball comedy had to be forced, like other shows from its time, Rocky and Bullwinkle, King Leonardo And His Short Subjects, all pretty much just out and out goofy comedy and various secondary characters, Tooter Turtle, The Hunter, and afew others are just as iconic as the main characters. Its pretty amazing really. If you've never been lucky enough to have seen this show, get to youtube yo.

4. Clutch Cargo

Is that not the coolest, wackest, most insane drug trip of a limited animation cartoon ever? Seriously this show is a god damn trip though time that you just don't wanna ever forget! Its some stone cold freak nasty yo. The concept of Clutch Cargo is basically Johnny Quest, but with out Benton Quest, so its just Clutch Cargo, middle aged muscular rugged adventurer, who lives alone with a young boy and a dog, and how they go on adventures all over the world and even the moon, its sort of like TinTin but with the racism taken out and a sort of creepy nambla feel to it all. Thats pretty much all there was to Clutch Cargo really, its a great little show that actually lasted almost 40 years in syndication, spanning from the late 1950s into the 1990s in some small television markets in the united states. Its more renounced for its insanely weird animation style, where the characters are more limited animation then Speed Racer, and the mouths are, well, the mouths are real mouths placed into the animation, a concept used many times over in various other forms of comedy based on obscure and silly concepts of filming and animation. Its not hard to find Clutch if you're looking for a good trip down trippy classic lane, the dvds aren't hard to come by and aren't expensive, get on that yo.

3. Fat Albert

Long ago in a time called the 1970s, long before he started to play a white man with 15 grandfathers that were all jazz legends, Bill Cosby had a whole other career, you see back then, Bill Cosby was funny, I mean really funny, but as I said, he eventually went on to play an old white guy in everything he did from the 80s onward. But in the 1970s, he created his greatest creation, even greater then The Chicken Heart, there was everyone's favorite overweight kid, Fat Albert. Fat Albert was an early attempt to make cartoons both fun and educational, an idea that went through out the series, goofball antics style comedy where in Bill Cosby would address the kids and tell them what the lesson learned by what they did that day was, normally it wasn't anything all that super important, just being nice to each other and stuff, but still it was memorable enough to stick with you. They also infused music and the message that as long as you could imagine something, it could be, oh and also, don't under estimate the fatties, cuz Fat Albert had skills for a kid that probably would lose his foot to diabetes by the final year of high school, and his friends have one heck of a way of working out the creation of instruments and stuff out of what they found in the junkyard, it was sort of like the Jackson Five with out it being about a real band in that respect, and the kids they just ate it up, they still do. Fat Albert has remained current and relevant for somewhere around 35 years, even if you exclude that horrible live action film from 2004, which really is best left forgotten, or burned in a fire, and then stabbed in the eye with a rusty fork. But if you would like a nice little bit of classic americana, then honestly, Fat Albert is it.

2. The Bugaloos

Long ago, in 1970 two brothers name Sid and Marty Krofft riding high off their monster pop culture creation H.R Puffstuf decided to see if lightening could strike twice, and taking a cue from the rise of teen idols in pop music among the non-woodstock set, decided to create their own multimedia crossover band, having made The Banana Splits for Hanna Barbara just before their own creation of the iconic Puffnstuf, and seeing how much the Splits were bringing in not only as a show, but as a legitimate band, no really if you ever get a chance check out a Banana Splits album "Till Tomorrow" is a forgotten jewel if I ever heard one, Sid and Marty wanted to get in on that sweet sweet cash, so they set about making up a band that could be on tv, and that kids could wanna go out to see a live show by. I'm sure you've seen this pattern repeat many a time on both this best and worst list, and there are tons of hits and misses in this area, but well, this had to be possibly the best. Deciding to take a page from The Monkee's playbook and playing on the Davey Jones popularity, Sid and Marty went about obtaining the services of a group of British teens who were young, easy to look at, and able to vocally harmonize convincingly enough to sell that they're a pop band, once that was done, they created The Bugaloos, a group of insects who are a pop band among the insects of the world, each episode focused on The Bugaloos, sometimes driving around in their odd as hell looking dunebuggy (I guess everyone in the 1970s drove dunebuggies everywhere from what shows like this and Hanna Barbara's stuff show), sometimes with their friend Sparky The Firefly, played by brilliant midget actor Billie Barty, who'd go on to be in every other Krofft creation sense, including starring as Sigmund The Sea Monster. And the whole time they'd be being thwarted by Benita Bizarre, played by the legend of the stage and screen Martha Raye, near the end of her life and career. The show was basically Josie And The Pussycats (both regular, and in space) meets A Bugs Life, and for all of its goofy surrealist offbeat humor, which was standard issue for Krofft Brothers work, The Bugaloos remains one of their most beloved and most popular, some could argue its just as popular as H.R PuffnStuf and Sigmund, their two most well known works. I would also note I put this show on the list over Puffnstuf simply because I've always found the whimsy of saturday morning was how you had shows like this, that were created with a stage show to follow in mind from the very start, where as shows like Puffnstuf had them tacked on later. Oh and for those wondering, if I was a Bugaloo, I'd be called Shadow and I'd be a Tarantula Hawk Wasp with dark wings, and I'd be a DJ or front a metal band.

1. The Wacky Races

Every now and then a company will strike gold, and not just gold as in one character or a show that has a timeless following, sometimes they'll strike gold with a show that will in itself become an iconic and beloved series, that will also spin off and serve as a prototype for many other shows to come. And for Saturday Morning Kings William Hanna and Joe Barbara, their first gold strike of what would become many, was a show called The Wacky Races, which not only created some of the most memoriable moments in Hanna Barbara's history, but would be the launching pad for classic characters either by name or formed from characters on the show, it would also lead to the genre of cartoons where you team up known and unknown characters and set them off on a task, you'd find it again in Laugh-a-lympics and Yogi's Space Race most notedly, given that most have forgotten the short lived Yogi's Treasure Hunt and Gumball 500 which to date were the last of the "Team up toons". Wacky Races was pretty simple in concept, a group of 11 cars do a cannonball run style wacky race or another, the whole time out smarting and pulling tricks on each other, as well as adding in jokes to what the narrator's saying, its all pretty goofy and silly, but thats what matters when you talk of the things that air in the saturday morning genres. Plus the show is important for afew reasons, all the cast when onto become someone else, or fame in their own right, Penelope Pitstop, The Ant Hill Mob and Dick Dastardly and Muttley all started out in The Wacky Races, and those The Ant Hill Mob and Penelope Pitstop, with afew alterations and change of the Bulletproof Bomb to Chuggaboom, would go on to be in their own brilliant series with the Paul Lynde voiced Hooded Claw, Dick Dastardly and Muttley would go on to have in their own right one of the most memorable shows of Hanna Barabara's library as well as become their most popular villains. The rest of the cast would be prototypes for others; The Slag Brothers would go on to be the design used for Captain Cavemen, The Gruesome Twosome would go onto Laugh-a-lympics, Professor Pat Pending would be Hanna Barbara's design for Prof. Keenbean on Richie Rich, and the others would show up now and then. What makes this show some memorable though is that for over 40 years now, its been loved and homaged many times over in various tv shows, you can find references even in today's modern cartoons, its pretty great really, and if you haven't seen it, you really should, you won't regret it.


well thats my list.... I hope you enjoy both halves of it...


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BC