Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Captain America: The Winter Solider:

Even on film Batroc The Leaper gets no love...

I have never hid the fact that though i do love my superheroes, i never really was a fan of Captain America, its like i said in my review of his last film The First Avenger, I understand the need for Cap, i understand what he represents and stands for, and respect that, but, he never really grabbed me as a character, he was always just there, leading the Avengers, tossing his shield and taking down superpowered beings with basic self defense and some kung fu. He always seemed like he was most relevant in the 1940s, which is why i was so happy when The First Avenger was set back then, and not only did the story of Cap right, but it also got all the other characters with him right, even if they never mention that Hydra and The Red Skull are high ranking nazi soldiers. Seriously, go back and watch The First Avenger, no where in that movie does Hydra once get referred to as a nazi organization. Anyway, I was a tad bit leery going into this second movie, given that The Winter Solider was such a recent story, and also something that the non-comic book watchers might have issues following, plus i was worried it was gonna be littered with "Haha Captain America doesn't know (place pop culture thing here) isn't that funny? hahahha" jokes, thankfully, all my doubts were put to rest with his lovely action packed and fun film that honestly, was the best Marvel film sense Avengers, plus its the first marvel film truly have ripple effects it made throughout the Marvel Cinematic universe be major ripples, not small little dribbles. bit we'll get into that later on.

The movie starts out two years after the events of Avengers, where we find Captain America and The Black Widow are onboard a SHIELD transport jet talking about how Cap needs to relax and get himself settled into the modern world, go to see movies, or concerts, or even dating, which Cap jokingly says "if I did any of that, I couldn't do this sort of thing.." and jumps out of the plane with no parachute, much to the annoyance of Widow and the admiration of the rest of their group, whom you find out are freeing SHIELD vessel from a group of terrorists, headed by a man named Georges Batroc, better known as low level and mostly used for comedy villain Batroc The Leaper, who has no real super powers, just apparently can jump and use kung fu and in more modern versions of the character can use parkor as well. The movie shows Cap sneaking around the ship putting Batroc's men down one by one, as the SHIELD team, and Widow stand by and basically watch, after Cap out and out humiliates Batroc, as is customary with the character, as the team is mopping up whats left of the terrorists, as Cap and Widow continue their discussion from earlier, Cap discovers that Widow, though his back up, was also there to make sure a secret SHIELD flashdrive didn't get into the hands of the wrong people, which angers Cap that he wasn't told of the secondary mission.

Cap heads back to the Triskelion, the base of operations for SHIELD, where he confronts Nick Fury about this secondary mission he was left out of the loop on, Fury lets Cap in on something called "Project Insight", where in there would be three more powerful then the one they already have SHIELD Helicarriers, which Fury explains, will have the ability to wipeout a person that the program seems is, or even will be, a threat, in a sense, cutting off the head before it can grow. Cap gives Fury a speech about how wrong that is, and how people aren't born evil, they choose to be, just because someone might become a threat, don't mean that always will become evil, and that not giving the good in people a chance is wrong. Fury gives a speech about his grandfather and how he loved people, but he never trusted any of them, Fury asks the director of SHIELD to slow down and take a breather before going any farther on the program, Fury's boss agrees to meet him and have a discussion about the matter. On his way to his meeting Fury is ambushed by a long haired assassin with a metal arm and his face covered up, Fury tries to elude him and his followers as he races through the streets of Washington DC, the fight ends with Fury's suburban totaled, and him hiding in Cap's apartment waiting to warn him, until he's shot through the window, causing Cap's neighbor to reveal that she's a SHIELD agent who's job is to guard Cap if anything were to attack his home, they rush Fury to the ER where he seemingly dies on the operating table, leaving Widow and Cap to discuss whats next for SHIELD as Widow tells Cap she recognizes the description of the man who attacked Fury, she claims he is a soviet operative called The Winter Soldier, the two of them decide to go off the grid, along with Cap's new friend Sam Wilson, a former pararescue trooper, who later reveals that he was the pilot of a special jetpack called "The Falcon".

From there the film becomes almost nothing but non-stop action scenes with little bits of awesome tossed in, as you see the three of them fight off The Winter Solider, discovering who he really is, and jogging his memory long enough to get him free of those controlling him, as well as discover the dark secret that has been hidden deep with in SHIELD going back to his foundation, a secret that as the triskelion and the three new age helicarriers are destroyed in a battle that is best described as beyond epic,and that becomes the second event, after the alien invasion in Avengers, to send out shockwaves that impact all of the established Marvel Cinematic Universe, including the much debated television series Agents Of SHIELD, where in the aftermath of the film's climax is the basis for the final quarter of the series first season, an action that actually turned around many of the series doubters, as they go from dealing with Z-List bad guys and lots of unanswered questions, to the forefront of the MCU, which i think was the plan from the very beginning, and if it was, it has to be one of the best examples of playing the long game for the best pay off in movie and television history.

Its seriously killing me not to give away anything thats happened in the second half of the film in case you've not seen it, or not seen Agents Of SHIELD by now, but honestly, just trust me, this film, is beyond epic, even the little jokes about how out of touch with the modern world Captain America really is, look online, each region and country got their own list of things Cap is writing down in the scene where he meets Sam Wilson, and i must admit, there is a heartbreaking scene where Cap visits his old love Peggy Carter in the hospital, only to find out her mind is going, but she still recognizes himin the brief moments she's able to remember who she is. Honestly, this movie was just so damn good. And the two stinger scenes during the credits, as is customary in Phase 2 of MCU films, you get a look not only on what is happening to The Winter Soldier, but you meet Adriane Von Strucker and the two curious cases he's been studying..

And as normal, if you don't believe me, here have a look at the trailer....




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BC

X-Men: Days Of Future Past

X-Men: Days Of Future Past:

A Totally Different Take On An Old Favorite

Its never really been a secret that my writing came from my youth reading comic books, while others were reading pretentious crap like "The Great Gatsby" and "Weathering Heights" which honestly bored the utter hell out of me, I was reading Chris Clairmont's over 20 year run on The Uncanny X-Men, or Frank Miller's run on DareDevil, and ofcourse, Alan Moore's brilliant Watchmen miniseries. So you can imagine that when I heard the next movie in the rebooted X-Men movie series was going to be "Days Of Future Past", taking its name from one of the greatest stories Chris Clairmont ever wrote I was first excited, and then when I heard that Bryan Singer, killer of the first three X-Men films and arguably the worst thing to happen to comic book movies sense Joel Schumacher made Batman movies in the 1990s, was to direct this film, I became worried, very very worried, seriously, the idea of one of my favorite stories ever written being directed by Bryan Singer made me almost wanna throw up. But, as often is the case when it comes to me and my beliefs on comic related things, I was eventually talked into calming down and giving it a chance by the people who were sick of me ranting about how Singer was going to ruin the X-Men worse then any bat-credit card like mcguffin ever could. And I must admit, though it wasn't exactly what I was expecting the film to be, it was enjoyable, it wasn't as good as First Class, but it wasn't a waste of two and a half hours, like i was worried it was going to be, though my inner nerd ofcourse screamed and yelled and corrected certain things, and asked WTF on other things, I truly did enjoy the film, which was a pleasant surprise for me.

The film starts out in the year 2023, and the world is nothing more then a wasteland, you see giant robots roaming the streets freely as you discover that you're in whats left of Moscow, deep down in a bunker you find whats left of The X-Men, this group consists of Shadowcat, Colossus, Bishop, Sunspot, Iceman, Blink and Warpath. They are readying for an assault by the giant robots, called Sentinels, mutant hunting robots who's only job is to destroy or if they have a power they can use, capture a mutant and keep it alive only long enough to discover how to assimilate its power into their own. As the Sentinels break through their bunker doors, Shadowcat grabs Bishop and runs with him, phasing the two of them through solid objects to get away and eventually get them to the most secure room in the bunker, as the others one by one give their lives to stop the Sentinels from getting to them, as you see that the Sentinels eventually adapt and use their powers against them and each other, slowly the team is slaughtered as the giant robots make their way to where Shadowcat is using a secondary mutant power, the power to send your mind backwards in time, on Bishop, who's powers are to basically absorb energy like a battery, as the Sentinels breach the door, Shadowcat says "Too late assholes..." as she, Bishop, the robots, and the damage they had done all disappear as if they were never there.

Next you see a jet land deep in what looks to be inland China. And out of it come Prof. Charles Xavier,  Storm, Magneto, and everyone's favorite plot device, Wolverine, as they leave the jet you hear Shadowcat call out and ask what took them so long to get there. As they go inside the large old monastery looking building Shadowcat explains that she'd recently discovered she can send a person's mind back into their body in the past, she admits she's only done it afew days, and in one instance a month, but thats as far back as it goes she assumes. Magneto and Xavier both agree that she has to try and send someone back to 1973 before the Sentinel program began and stop it all from happening, and after a small debate over which one should do it, its decided that Wolverine will go, because with his healing factor and his already damaged mind, it won't cause him the pain and trouble that it would cause anyone else who tried to make the trip. Xavier and Magneto tell him that he has to go back and find both of them, and get them to help him stop Mystique, the blue shapeshifting mutant from all the other X-Men movies, from murdering a man named Bolivar Trask, the creator of The Sentinels, whom Mystique kills infront of the whole world and the panic caused by this greenlights the Sentinel program. 

Wolverine wakes in his body in 1973, where he wakes up in a waterbed next to a girl he doesn't at first remember, we soon discover that in 1973, Wolverine was working for a mobster in New York City, which you soon discover the girl in his bed is the daughter of, by way of the two thugs that show up to get the two of them for their boss. At this point we discover that Wolverine didn't have his metal claws in 1973, as he dispenses with the two thugs, and takes one of them's car to go find Xavier, who is wallowing in self pity in his now closed down school. Here Wolverine encounters Hank McCoy, or Beast, as he's known, who seems to be taking care of Xavier, who is able to walk for some reason, but does not have his powers, and is a massive drunk. Wolverine is able to eventually convince Xavier that he is from the future, and that he sent him back in time, and that he has to get Magneto and save the world from the birth of the Sentinels, the thing is, Magneto is in super secret never seeing the sun again jail, for apparently killing President Kennedy, though Wolverine knows a guy who can help them get him out, even though he's a young man and hasn't met any of the X-Men yet in 1973, this is where they enlist the help of a young Peter Maximorf, Quicksilver, who honestly, steals the whole first half of the film. From there, once they've gathered the main cast together, they go off to hunt Mystique, and you learn why Xavier doesn't have his powers, but can walk. 

The rest of the film from here is a joyride of action and fun and serious mind games ontop of mind games and secondary agendas ontop of secondary agendas, you find out what Mystique is liberating mutants who were forced into a special unit in the army that were going to be handed over to Trask for research, where the existence of mutants is revealed to the world in a way that can not be spun to make it seem like a fake incident like it was in First Class, we're talking full on screen on live tv using powers on each other, you also find out what happened to the cast thats missing from First Class, as Xavier and Magneto try and forgive each other for abandoning each other and those who they claimed to protect, all leading up to a showdown on live television in Washington DC where President Nixon is almost killed on the air, but instead the world sees that for every dangerous mutant, there is one that is good as well, i won't spoil the way the movie ends, but honestly, it left a smile on my face, which honestly, is hard for a movie to do.

I have to tell you all, honestly, this film was WAY better then what i was expecting it to be, and if i'm being honest with you, the movie could have been a steaming pile of dog shit, but the scene with Quicksilver set to possibly the most hilariously opposite song as they're getting Magneto out of super top secret jail, would have made the whole trip to the theater worth it, i couldn't stop laughing for the entire scene, and honestly i wished he'd been in the whole film, not just the first half, but over all, the film was pretty good, it made alot of in jokes, many a joke of Wolverine passing through a metal detector because he hasn't had the metal claws yet, Magneto even making the joke about them "imagine if those beauties were metal..", it all and all was a great little fun ride of a film, right to the stinger of an after the credits scene. Though I must admit, my inner nerd does scream out about afew things, I don't recall Shadowcat being able to send people's mind through time, i even checked the Marvel Wiki and Wikipedia itself, and there is no mention of that ability on her pages, so I'm glad i didn't just forget that, and the film, honestly borrows more from the plot of the critically acclaimed cartoon Wolverine And The X-Men, then it does with the actual story Days Of Future Past, but thats just fine, because both stories were excellent stories, and you don't really mind that sort of thing when the source stuff is awesome. I will also state that i am incredibly overjoyed that the future Sentinels, were not called "Nimrods" the name of the future Sentinels that think on their own and adapt and mimic powers, I've always hated that name and felt it never really worked.

But my few little quibbles aside, honestly this film was awesome, and I truly had a wonderful time, and if you choose to go see it, you will as well... Oh and as for the after credits scene, had the director not told us what movie was coming after this one in the series, well, En Sabah Nur would have been one hell of a OMG shocker, but, well, anyone thats been paying attention to the press knows who he grows to be...

But if i can't convince you, here is the trailer...

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BC

 

About Roger Ebert...

Remember Roger Ebert

 

I know this is afew months over due, but, well, honestly i wanted to sit down and truly thing about this before I wrote it, i wanted to choose my words carefully, and make sure I express things in the proper way before anything is misconstrued. After all, most know my dealings with, and thoughts on the late Roger Ebert weren't exactly what one would call favorable most of the time, and the last thing i would wish would be for anyone to believe I am one to kick dog shit in a person's grave as its being covered in dirt.

I would like to first state, that though we never truly agreed on things on a personal and professional level, I always had respect for Roger, after all, with out him and those early trailblazers that took movie reviewing from a novelty much akin to early weather forecasting, into a legit form of news, he gave it credibility, dignity, and he proved that with a simple extending of the thumb up or downwards was as powerful as any marketing and promotional department could ever dream of being. He proved that with just afew lines, the opinion and ideas of an entire nation could swing for or away from any film, truly proving that the power really does lie with the people's general opinion.

I always jokingly knocked Roger for his writing the screenplay to Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls, which though most might not believe it to be, is truly one of my favorite grindhouse films ever made, its got everything that makes a film truly grindhouse; drugs, naked women, free love, and one of the greatest soundtracks ever created for a film. Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls was one of my first encounters with grindhouse, long before i ever knew there was a genre, and even longer before I knew the word or its meaning, in sense, had that film never been made, I might have never gone down my path that led me to where i am now, maybe i'd have gone on to be a race car driver or a cowboy astronaut fireman playboy millionaire superhero or something, instead of what i am, a guy who was able to take his escape from being anti-social and turn it into a pretty fun time reviewing movies. i'll always thank Roger for that, even though i'd never say it to him personally lol.

i want it to be known, though I always critically bashed Roger in his later years, I always respected him for all he has done up to the last few years, when, I felt he had lost his way, though to be fair, I honestly think after Gene Siskle died, he truly started to stop caring as much as he did, and it would eventually trickle down more and more until he started to do sloppy work, hating a movie for the sake of hating a movie or because you dislike the genre is one thing, we all do that at times, but when you mis up characters and scenes that you are using as examples of why you dislike a film, thats just sloppy first day on the job stuff, and i always felt Roger was better then that sort of mistakes or errors. See I wasn't ever angry or mad at him, as a person, it was angry at what he was becoming, instead of the man he is, and had been for decades before, the man that inspired three generations to express their passion for moving film, and to explore the world of film outside of just what hollywood tosses at you, shouldn't be remembered for mistakes that an amateur would make, it was kind of like when you're a kid and you find out Mickey Mouse at Disneyland is just a guy in a bad smelling foam rubber suit, or when you discover that your favorite race car driver is boring as hell in person, if any of that makes sense.

So in the end, I'm gonna do what i think all of the rest of you should do, remember Roger however you wish too, hopefully back when he was healthy and vibrant and would excitedly yell at Gene Siskle for giving away the twist in The Crying Game, or any of the other hilariously passionate arguments the two of them had over the years. Thats when he was in his prime, and thats when i choose to remember Roger.

Hang loose Teddy Bear..


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BC

My Worst Movies Of 2012

2012 In Review: Best And Worst.... 

And Afew Things In Between

Part 2: The Worst

And is had to happen, and simply because I wanted to break this up into four posts instead of one giant one, we come to the second part of our best of 2012 series, the worst movies of the year, and believe me, there were some really, and I mean REALLY bad movies made in the last year, why is that? I've no idea, but i guess for every year full of amazing goodness, there has to be epic failures, you know the balance out the whole karma thing. Anyway, after its a trip to TV Land.. the metaphorical place not the network that sold out afew years back. Anyway, here we go.... A'Room A'Zoom!!!

 Worst Movie Of 2012

The Dictator

 

Maybe I am just too old, but i seriously do not get what in the hell Sasha Baron Cohen was doing with this film, is his goal in life to piss off every single ethnic group there is? I seriously not get the point, oh sure, he struck comedy gold with Borat, but every film after that, has been nothing more then the same film, each time pushing farther and farther into offensive territory, i get that he's trying to "make real life funny" and though it worked brilliantly once, it really hasn't sense, and all he does is get more and more offensive as he goes. I mean honestly, is it really a good idea to do a whole movie where you're lighting a gas fire under a group of people that many already find polarizing? It makes no sense, and honestly Cohen is a friggin idiot for thinking it was a good idea. The only thing worth seeing in this train wreck of a film was the DartzKombat SUV in all gold that Cohen had them make for the movie, and really, thats only if you are a fan or the DartzKombat company and their insanely high end stuff. Otherwise this is just an offensive pile of camel shit that should have been buried in that landfill all those unsold E.T games for the Atari ended up. Seriously, the three people that still think this guy's stuff is funny, you need to stop giving this guy money to make films, he's almost as bad at it as Uwe Boll, yes, I so went there, and I mean it.

  Worst Drama Of 2012

The Lucky One

Ok this pile of shit was flawed from the very get go, and continues to prove that just because its "from the writer of the notebook" doesn't mean its good, hell it doesn't even mean its passable, and also, it proves that "if you're a bird, then i'm a bird" is a really moronic statement in any context. But enough about that, here is the basics on this crapfest; a US Marine is in Afghanistan and survives a midnight attack on his location, as he cleans up the wreckage, he sees a shiny glint in the sun and walks over to see what it is, as he bends down to pick up the picture it turns out to be, an unexploded mortar goes off right where he was standing before he went to investigate. Its a picture of a girl with "Be safe" written on the back of it. He keeps it with him looking to find who it belongs too, in the meantime, he continues to barely escape being killed several times, he calls the girl in the picture his guardian angel. From there, he goes home and as you can guess, he decides to go track down the girl, so him and his dog embark on an epic quest of love, by which i mean walking from Colorado to Louisiana, if you can stay with the film through all of the contrived and hackneyed recycled plots from every other chick film from the last few years that they mash together like a bumble bee mashed between the hands of a mentally unstable child who thinks their parents will be proud of them for their first murder, i'm sure you can guess that buy the end of the film, he not only finds the girl, but also they fall in love and end up happy, you know just like every single other shitty mush movie written over a weekend.

Worst Comedy Of 2012

 The Sitter

Ok i hate to be the one that has to do this, but, Jonah Hill is NOT FUNNY. Seriously, he is just the worst, between that horrible Allen Gregory cartoon of his that got canceled as quickly as it was forced on all of us, and crap like The Sitter, he just isn't funny. Oh sure, he has been in funny movies, but they were not funny because of him, which a lot of people seem to not really get the idea of, he's like a fat Paul Giamatti, people just haven't figured out yet he's a horrible actor who somehow gets into great to moderately good movies.I could honestly go on and on about how this guy is the Rob Liefeld comic book drawing of actors, but instead I'll focus on why exactly The Sitter deserves the title of worst comedy of last year.  See, it kind of is the definition of what is wrong with not only Jonah Hill, but his entire career, The plot is basically recycled from the 1980s, a common practice in Hill's career, in this case its a blatant rip on both Adventures In Babysitting and just about any teenage sex comedy in the last 30 years tossed in for extra "laughs". As you can expect the film takes Hill and his tag along trio deep into the city and after a series of out of the realm of believable things happen, they all eventually end up back home safe and sound. Its just horribly predictable and possibly one of the worst hackjobs i've ever seen in a film. i'm telling y'all, for serious, don't keep getting fooled by this knock off Seth Rogan, he's a horrible actor, who just happens to get into good movies. 

Worst Animated Movie of 2012

Night of the Living Dead: Origins 3D

There were alot of horrible animated movies that just were horrible this year, but of all the really horrible films, this has to be the most WTF and puzzlingly bad of them all. First off, its in 3D, which really isn't all that needed these days honestly, let alone in animated films, but also, why on earth is there, after all this time, a film explaining the origins of the living dead? I mean is it really needed? Do we really need to know where Zombies come from? And in 3D? I mean honestly, what is the point of this horrible attempt at cashing in on the greatest public domain franchise there has ever been? It just doesn't make any sense at all and is completely useless. Seriously, Zombies are Zombies, they just are, thats all you need to know for a night of the living dead movie, you don't need to know their names and their feelings and all of this other horrible horrible crap, doing anything at all to them other then just a shameless attempt to cash in on the horrible teenage supernatural romance bullshit thats going around these days. Avoid this horrible box of shit if you can, avoid it like a boss.

Worst Sci Fi Movie Of 2012

Prometheus

Now i wanna be clear, there were some HORRIBLE sci fi movies last year, I mean seriously horrible, but the one that took the cake, just barely edging ahead of the pack was this monstrosity, now on the surface, Prometheus looked like a good idea, I argued that it should have been called Aliens: Prometheus, or something, seeing as with out telling you, it is ofcourse the origin of the creation of the creatures we know of from the Aliens movies and the ever stumbling at the opening gate Alien vs. Predator series. Now i've always argued that the Aliens never really needed a "how they were created" film, I mean they're a race of aliens, isn't that enough? Do we really need to know they came from humans who mucked about on a planet they really shouldn't have? No, we didn't, again, they're a race of aliens, who the hell cares what they were created from, they're aliens, that should be enough of a backstory, though maybe I would have liked to see a home planet populated by them, but thats just a passing curiosity. In all do fairness, this movie didn't need to be made at all, it tells a story that didn't need to be told, a story that also makes very little sense, but also, and this is the key here, THIS FILM WAS BORING AS HELL, seriously you could have done this whole story in maybe a 30 minute short film or something if you even needed to make it at all. Its seriously no wonder this thing flopped and flopped hardcore at the box office.

Worst Action Film Of 2012

Battleship

Oh boy oh boy was this one a pile! Seriously, this had so little going for it, it had no chance really but to be the steaming pile of camp that it ended up becoming. Not even Liam Neesson grimacing "you sunk my battleship" couldn't save this from soon being the go to movie for the SyFy Channel when it wants big ratings, to give you an idea of how bad this movie bombed? The knock off made by Asylum Pictures, a company that does nothing but make movies that sound like or are blatant rip offs of big name films, did better sales wise, then this did. Yes you read that right, the big name film, did WORSE then the knock off made by the people who gave you such epic piles of shit as Snakes on A Train, Transmorphers, and Titanic 2. If that doesn't define a film as a pile of shit, nothing will. The whole film is completely flawed, the idea of a fleet of navy ships being blocked inside this sort of grid by some alien invasion force that is both attacking them, and the major cities across the globe, thus in a sense, creating a battle that happens on a grid somewhat like that of the boardgame Battleship, on which the film is based. Seriously this was a giant F/X flop, and it honestly shouldn't have been released to theaters, it was just a bad idea all around. I should also say it just barely beat out John Carter Of Mars for this award by the narrowest of margins, but we'll get to that film in abit.

And now, here are afew others that I felt deserve awards,  simply because I can't find a worst documentary or foreign film...

Most Hilarious Flop

John Carter

Man oh man, was this thing a stinker on levels of suck and fail that Uwe Boll hasn't even discovered yet, I still can not for the life me of me understand what the logic behind this was for Disney, it boggles the mind really. Its almost like the thought process went something like this; "hey, lets take what is gonna be our first tentpole blockbuster of the summer, John Carter Of Mars, shorten the name to simply John Carter, so people who remember the old sci fi stories will be confused as to if this movie is about that character, oh and while we're at it, lets not promote the movie at all until a week before it opens in theaters, and even then, lets do a light peppering of adds, after all, no one wants to see the continued bombardment of adds for a movie that cost 250mil. to make. That'd be silly of us, people will just show up, you know, because we're Disney, and people cult follow us.." .. gah, seriously just typing that out, even in my mocking manner, made me feel like I almost drank some of the disney koolaid. Honestly, if you can avoid this stinker, please, by all means do so. For yourself, for your family, for your parents, for 9/11, for america!

Most WTF Plotpoint

Bruce Wayne's logic and science defying recovery 

in The Dark Knight Rises

Ok, now I will admit, way back in the 1990s, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, long before there was ever a thing called a "vegan", when cartoons weren't just lazy translated anime about spikey haired kids on motorcycles playing card games, and we truly believed Austin 3:16 said "I just whooped your ass" not "I am a drunken redneck that beat both of my wives.", I, like many, fell for the hype that was a batman sales boosting storyline called Knightfall, where in a recently introduced, but still rather obscure Bat baddie by the name of Bane, would break the back of Bruce Wayne, who would, for a time have to give up the mantle of Batman, and though we all questioned why the fill in job was given to equally obscure and also recently introduced character of Azrael, instead of the original Robin, now going by Nightwing, or the current Robin, or anyone really, we all still went along for the two year ride that would see not only the worst Batman suit ever, but we'd be subject to one of the oddest explanations of how Batman was able to walk again. It worked on us all once, surely it wouldn't work on us all a second time would it? Hey guess what? IT WORKED ON US A SECOND TIME. Though admittedly this time it was alot more WTFy then the first time around. involving some kind of magical knee braces and someone mauy tai punching his back into place with the power of kung fu. Seriously, how in the hell did we let that happen a second time? Honestly comic book nerds, we've becoming far too complacent for our own good these days, someone needed to nerdrage about that lazy bit of writing, but yet, none of us did. Shame on us, shame on all of us.

Worst Attempt At Aiming A Movie At Black People

Red Tails

Hey gang! You wanna know whats not a good idea for a movie? Take something as historically important as the legendary Tuskegee Airmen, a group that truly do deserve a proper movie made about them, and then instead of making a respectful and possibly epic movie aimed at the african american community that doesn't have the prefix "Tyler Perry's" before its name, you make it the most horridly hacktastic and embarrassingly ghetto film that you can make it, oh and while you're at it, toss in atleast one rapper, and afew actors from all of those generic gangsta movies that end up on BET, give it a hip hop soundtrack, even though its set in World War 2, and then force the catchphrase "How do you like that, MR HITLER!" into the ghetto lexicon simply by using it in EVERY add you have for the film. Oh and also, completely make up your characters, instead of using the real names of the true Tuskegee Airmen, thus completely invalidating them and their place in history. Also, you wanna know what the worst part is? The very worst part of this attempt at ghettoing up one of the most important things to happen in the second world war, is that the film was written by Aaron McGuder, the created of the often controversial comic strip The Boondocks, which would normally mock the shit out of a pile of crap this big and this bad. I kind of wonder if he did it on purpose....

Movie It Pained Me To Give A Bad Review To..

Dark Shadows

Sigh, you all have no idea how painful it was for me to give this movie such a bad review, I grew up a fan, it was one of the things my parents felt I needed to grow up knowing about, much like they felt with Star Trek, Doctor Who, Blakes Seven, The Prisoner and tons of other classic sci fi stuff that is now hallowed ground to the nerds of the world. I wanted this movie to be good, it had all the things it needed to be so, Johnny Depp as the pre-Buffy archtype of what a vampire was like on tv, also set in the 1970s to give it that retro feel, the amazing Jackie Earl Haley as one of the best henchmen ever to hench, so much right with this, I wanted it to be good, I wanted it to be stellar, I wanted it to be the best it could be. But alas, it was not, it was just a half assed lazy attempt at an unfinished screenplay that read worse then some of the lazier written fanfiction out there, half of the characters were missing or glossed over, and what is there, isn't even close to what would account for a "story", more just two mystical older then dirt characters tossing insults at each other and fucking for half the film, then a forced joke about Alice Cooper, followed by a final act that made no sense at all, seeing as half of the cast has plot twists happen that were not even so much as hinted at before... Seriously this film has so much wrong with it left me crying like a baby that'd lost his favorite toy when this film was over. It just was so awful and I still feel sad at how bad this one was.

And thats about all i can think of, next onto tv... and hopefully it won't take me forever to get this one done like these last two...


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BC

The Amazing Spiderman

The Amazing Spiderman:

Finally 100% Toby McGuire Free

But Still All That Angst....

About 12 years ago, the film industry went through what we like to call the first comic book movie boom, where in, as you can guess, almost every movie was based on a comic book; The Fantastic Four, Hellboy, From Hell, The Punisher, X-Men, Batman Begins, Superman Returns, you get the idea, all came out around the same time, and though Superman Returns is generally assumed to be the worst of the entire batch, many could argue that among the other worst was Sam Rami's Spiderman trilogy, a sort of half reinvention of Spiderman and half "eh, lets a wacky wallwalker at a wall and see what happens?" film adaption of Marvel Comic's beloved Spiderman, and though some people might not have an issue with such things as the very weak villain presence in those films, there are twice as many who just need to say "organic webshooters" to spark a nerd fight so epicly large, the younger nerds shall someday LARP it. The trilogy got progressively worse, much like with the X-Men films of the same era, and eventually their third and final one was a dud so painful its best forgotten it was even made, the fans were pissed off, and marvel was pissed off they allowed something of theirs to be treated worse then a non-Batman DC Comics character. This lead to two things; the announcement that Marvel Comics was founding Marvel Studios, to produce their own movies and allow their charactes to go in the film directions they wanted them to go, and eventually, after proving that a reboot can solve most of your issues with a film franchise, as proven with X-Men: First Class, it all lead to this, The Amazing Spiderman.

The Amazing Spiderman, once again tells us the story of young Peter Parker who was bitten by a radioactive spider and thats bite gave him the powers of a spider, instead of, you know, cancer. This time around though they don't just explain it as a field trip to a science museum to see how an atom smasher works, they imply that Peter's parents, who really, unless you ignore the horrible clone saga that was the 1990s Spiderman comic books, they never really explained much of, just that they were dead and they were brilliant scientists, and they also change afew other key elements, how his Uncle Ben dies, and how he goes about creating the Spiderman persona in general, I must admit though, I like being able to have Ben Parker around for abit longer, much like how in Captain America: The First Avenger we had Bucky Barnes around for half the film instead of Bucky being "Captain America's sidekick who died", Ben Parker was always just "Spiderman's uncle who died because he refused to do the right thing and help someone that was mean to him" and really just lived on in the belief Spiderman lived by "With great power comes great responsibility", and though each hero does need characters like this to instil their place as a hero, over the years they tend to become hollow and plastic, allowing Ben to be in almost half of the film makes him someone we all feel for even though we know how he will end up, it was a great move, also casting Martin Sheen as Ben Parker and Sally Field as May Parker was a brilliant idea. The movie also changes up the origin, stating that Peter's parents worked with Dr. Curt Conners, long time Spiderman supporting cast member and sometimes villain known as The Lizard, and that they were all working on a way to make the human body able to heal terminal illnesses internally and grow back lost limbs, much like Conners himself, who is missing half an arm, claiming that the spider who bit Peter was mutated through radioactivity through Conners research and study he did with Peter's parents, and it simply got loose when Peter accidentally opened a container the spider was in, thus kind of in a round about way implying that Peter's parents indirectly created him. The film also uses this to sort of "dark mirror" the process by having Peter, using an algorithm that he discovered in his father's research papers, inadvertently create The Lizard, even though it was Conners, who while trying to prove he deserved to keep his job, injected himself with the serum they'd created before testing it on lab animals properly, and in true Spiderman sense, Peter blames himself, even though he doesn't realize that Conners sped things up with out him, after all, it wouldn't be Spiderman with out the angst buried just under the jovial and comedic surface.

The Amazing Spiderman also does a good job with modernizing but keeping the core of the relationship between Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy, another key character in Spiderman's mythos. Much like with Ben Parker being "Spiderman's dead uncle" to most, Gwen Stacy is simply "Spiderman's dead girlfriend" and most really only know of her as that, only those who have read the early issues of the comic truly knew of her and her tragic end as a pawn used by Norman Osborne; The Green Goblin to distract Spiderman so he could get away, and though we weren't given Gwen's death in this film thankfully, we instead get to know Gwen, who is played amazingly well by the beautiful Emma Stone, who truly looks like Gwen in the flesh, the hair, the whole miniskirt and knee-socks/knee-boots thing Gwen is known for, the only thing they really changed was her attitude, generally Gwen is written to be this magical wonderfully happy young girl who sees the wonder and beauty and magic in everything, infact in one story she even was seen to be dancing in the mist and rainbows caused by an invasion from Atlantis, but I digress, even with the small change in personality Gwen and Peter's relationship was as spot on as one could hope, even though oddly, he told her his secret identity, in the comics that never actually happened, though her father, a police captain who at first saw Spiderman as a menace, knew who Peter was, and after the two had a talk about why he does what he does, Cap. Stacy became a valuable ally.

So as for the film itself, its plot is pretty basic superhero 101, we meet our hero, we meet those in his life, we see what causes him to become a hero in the first place, he accidentally has a hand in creating a villain and solidifies himself as a hero because he feels he needs to stop said baddie, and along the way he has defining moments of bravery that show he's truly a hero, instead of a drunken asshat like Iron Man. Its not a flashy complicated story, or an amazingly sweeping grand tale of any sort, its your basic punch and kick and let down your girlfriend superheroics that we've all come to know from Spiderman, that doesn't make it a bad thing, but it might be a let down for newcomers to the character and his world, though long time fans will be happy that the movie folds out like a comic book story, they'll also delight in the hilarious cameo by Stan Lee, while regular movie goers will be puzzled by the strange cameo of Chris Rock who last time I know was still famous enough to not have to cameo in a movie to get money, but then again, well, Madagascar 3... so.. yeah, there is that. Comic book fans will also love the length the film makers went to as to include as many iconic spiderman images as possible, including an if you blink you'll miss it actual posing of 1991's Spiderman #1 cover, an image they consider so iconic it was the cover to Spiderman #1 and recolored into the cover to Spiderman #13 as well, a pose i truly didn't see coming till the last second, at which point i squee'd with delight at it, there are many others too, mostly the webswinging poses, but hey, those are the money shots to Spiderman, so don't playahate.

So, the big question, is The Amazing Spiderman worth seeing? Honestly? Why the hell are you still here reading this? Get your ass to a theater, and watch this movie! Sure its got its flaws like any other comic book movie, but thats never gonna change it, thats never gonna make it not worth watching, its just such a great film, seriously you need to get up on this and as soon as you can. Sure some will say its more Peter Parker centric and it needs more Spiderman and his crimefighting banter, but there will be time for that as the series goes on, this was ment to show you how it all came to be, not just another day in the life of. So seriously, go see this as soon as you can, you won't regret it.

But if you aren't 100% convinced yet, here is the trailer to make you love it....




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BC

Dark Shadows

Dark Shadows:

...Remember That Trainwreck At The Start Of Super 8?

Yeah, Its Like That.. Kinda... A Trainwreck I Mean

I know alot of people are out there curiously waiting for my review of this film, its arguably the third most questions I get in my emails after questions about The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rising, this one just slightly edges ahead of questions about The Amazing Spiderman. And I guess that is rightly so given the screen name I have chosen to avail myself of in this vast wasteland we call the internet. Many a day have I had to answer the normal dregs "Do you think it will be great?", "Are you looking forward to it?", "do you like John Depp in the main role?", ect..  all these repeating questions, and now I can finally answer them, though I doubt if what I have to say will make alot of you out there happy. Because honestly, this film, as great as it could have been, is flawed, and I don't mean one little scratch under a caster that doesn't ruin the value, I'm talking it needs a full on repair job to fix the giant crack in it. Now I know afew of you out there will believe I am writing this in a negative light simply because I have been on record as disliking the way they've made Johnny Depp look as a vampire, and though I admit, that slightly bothered me, it was the smallest of the cracks in this rose colored stain glass window, and I am not exaggerating at all when I say that. Not one bit, though in all honesty, I wish I was, I wish I could just cover my ears and my eyes and imagine what I saw on the screen really wasn't what was given to life long fans of the first ever sci fi soap opera in hopes the cameo by the four surviving cast members of the original show (now three after John Frid died recently after making the group cameo), and not care about the rest, but the problem with that is, the rest is, well, at some points pretty bad, but at other moments pretty good, and yes before you feel the need to try and damn me for "not getting the humor" yes I am aware this is a spoof using the darkest of humor, and though many of the highlights are taken from it being in that vain, it still has so much more that it has to live up too, and so much more that it failed to do so on.

See the problem with this film isn't really the film's fault, its well shot and well acted, the real problem, as often is in cases of this nature, with in the script. See, they try to cram as much Dark Shadows related references and jokes about the goofy nature of what was once seen as high end sci fi into what should have been a better well thought out and well written plot, instead of what seemed like a half assed idea that was tossed together by people that had only seen maybe 10 minutes of the 1991 reboot of the series, and didn't bother research the rest. Its actually almost insulting how little of a story this film really tells, and how flimsy the little bit we do have is. The actual plot, if you could call it that is not only a story of how Barnabas Collins was cursed to be a vampire by the witch Angelique, who then had him locked in a box and buried, or a story of how by 1972 the Collins family had pretty much become all but died out, and barely able to afford to keep Collinwood and their family business, the Collinsport Fish Cannery open for business, thanks to rival company Angel Bay, which just happens to be across the warf from them, and how it all somehow ends up in a third act thats all fire and supernatural powers a go-go till the very end. Infact it doesn't even actually give you the implications that anyone besides Barnabas and Angelique has any kind of super natural powers until the third act, and even then they seem tacked on in a sort of "meh we've fucked it up this far along, we might as well fuck it up some more and go for broke.." like manner. Its seriously confusing and comes off really insulting to the viewer, almost as if there was ment to be alot more in the film but it ended up on an editing room floor, or atleast you hope there was such an incident of that happening, otherwise you're gonna get really pissed off really fast, like, really fast.

Now don't get me wrong, there is alot lacking here, but, its a case of whats wrong is very wrong, but whats right is very right, like I found myself laughing outloud at all of the times they make fun of common tropes in every vampire movie and television show sense Dark Shadows, I even laughed outloud at the conversation that was lifted directly from Twilight of all films, infact alot of the humor in the film is what actually kept me from taking a nap through the second half of the film, well that and how well the cast tries to make it work with how little they have in respect to actual story or plot, because they do infact really give it their all, and can at times be rather entertaining in their own ways, its both comical and kind of painful at times to watch them try and do their best, even if in all fairness, 90% of the film is just Barnabas and Angelique yelling insults and flirts at each other in what basically comes down to a supernaturally enhanced episode of Moonlighting, and yes if you don't get that reference, I am inside crying for your very soul.

I guess my major issue with the film is just how little was done with such a rich history and a plethora of characters, infact half of the characters that made up the bulk of the cast at any given time were missing. By my count, of all the characters they had to pluck from, they only literally used a handful. Its almost as if Depp or whoever was incharge of final agreement on the script had no clue who half of the cast was! Seriously, its like they didn't even bother to wikipedia up a character manifest or something, they just randomly tossed together 4 Collins family members to be family to Barnabas and could give a damn about the rest of the cast. Where was Reverend Trask? You have a film where the loosely tossed together plot is basically a 200+ year lover's spat between a vampire and a witch, who spend 90% of the film just tossing insults at each other, as they basically destroy half of a small town in Maine, and you miss the opportunity to have a bat shit crazy hellfire and brimestone preacher like Trask somewhere in the mix? Seriously? A vampire starts ripping its way through random people in town and it doesn't get the attention of local occult studies and history teacher and town historian T. Elliot Stokes? Really? Also to the point of Stokes, how doesn't he notice that EVERY woman in Angelique's family looks exactly alike, nor does he question how in the 1700s a woman could start and own a business? Nor does the film really even touch on the history of the Collins family, they just imply there are dark things in the family and its past, only really mention Barnabas as past ones, but never really going into any detail, nor do they really explain the whole set up to the third act other then the constant bitching between Barnabas and Angelique, I don't mean to lightly spoil here, but if you go and watch the film, keep this in mind, at the start of the final act of the film, when you find out an interesting reveal about Victoria Winters, followed by Angelique dropping what might be the coolest sounding fire spell ever written, and the Collins Cannery is set ablaze, NOTHING makes any sense. None of the characters that display powers at this point are even hinted at in the rest of the film to have any kind of powers, after all, why would they have such a hard time believing that Barnabas is a vampire if they all have these abilities of their own? It seriously doesn't make any sense at all, the actual end of the film doesn't fully make sense either, I honestly feel it was just slapped together lazily.

So the big question, should you go and see this film, honestly, I'm not truly sure. Part of me says go and see it, you'll get a good laugh out of the insults volleyed about between the two main roles, and the great Jackie Earl Haley does a pretty fun job as Barnabas' earstwhile henchman Willie Loomas, and there are a great deal of laugh outloud moments, Barnabas reciting Steve Miller's "The Joker" while staring into a lava lamp, and the scene where he murders a group of hippies that most have seen in the previews are both pretty funny to, as is his confusion of the not time period correct McDonald's sign and the car when he first comes out of the coffin in 1972. But the other part of me is saying to run like the wind, as far as you can from it, for unless you've no idea of the history of the show or the characters there in, you'll be most upset and most annoyed by what exactly was done to this by a "life long fan" like Johnny Depp claims he is, though how a "life long fan" could let this happen I've no idea. So I guess the final real choice on the matter is, to make your own choice, maybe wait until it hits netflix or Red Box or one of the movie channels before bothering with it, so you don't have to worry about putting out any money for this movie that tries so hard to be so much more then it truly is, but in the end, and regretfully, fails horrible at its mission.

Well, if you haven't seen it yet, or are still interested, here is the trailer....



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BC