Sunday, March 24, 2013

My Worst Movies Of 2012

2012 In Review: Best And Worst.... 

And Afew Things In Between

Part 2: The Worst
And is had to happen, and simply because I wanted to break this up into four posts instead of one giant one, we come to the second part of our best of 2012 series, the worst movies of the year, and believe me, there were some really, and I mean REALLY bad movies made in the last year, why is that? I've no idea, but i guess for every year full of amazing goodness, there has to be epic failures, you know the balance out the whole karma thing. Anyway, after its a trip to TV Land.. the metaphorical place not the network that sold out afew years back. Anyway, here we go.... A'Room A'Zoom!!!

 Worst Movie Of 2012

The Dictator

Maybe I am just too old, but i seriously do not get what in the hell Sasha Baron Cohen was doing with this film, is his goal in life to piss off every single ethnic group there is? I seriously not get the point, oh sure, he struck comedy gold with Borat, but every film after that, has been nothing more then the same film, each time pushing farther and farther into offensive territory, i get that he's trying to "make real life funny" and though it worked brilliantly once, it really hasn't sense, and all he does is get more and more offensive as he goes. I mean honestly, is it really a good idea to do a whole movie where you're lighting a gas fire under a group of people that many already find polarizing? It makes no sense, and honestly Cohen is a friggin idiot for thinking it was a good idea. The only thing worth seeing in this train wreck of a film was the DartzKombat SUV in all gold that Cohen had them make for the movie, and really, thats only if you are a fan or the DartzKombat company and their insanely high end stuff. Otherwise this is just an offensive pile of camel shit that should have been buried in that landfill all those unsold E.T games for the Atari ended up. Seriously, the three people that still think this guy's stuff is funny, you need to stop giving this guy money to make films, he's almost as bad at it as Uwe Boll, yes, I so went there, and I mean it.

  Worst Drama Of 2012

The Lucky One

Ok this pile of shit was flawed from the very get go, and continues to prove that just because its "from the writer of the notebook" doesn't mean its good, hell it doesn't even mean its passable, and also, it proves that "if you're a bird, then i'm a bird" is a really moronic statement in any context. But enough about that, here is the basics on this crapfest; a US Marine is in Afghanistan and survives a midnight attack on his location, as he cleans up the wreckage, he sees a shiny glint in the sun and walks over to see what it is, as he bends down to pick up the picture it turns out to be, an unexploded mortar goes off right where he was standing before he went to investigate. Its a picture of a girl with "Be safe" written on the back of it. He keeps it with him looking to find who it belongs too, in the meantime, he continues to barely escape being killed several times, he calls the girl in the picture his guardian angel. From there, he goes home and as you can guess, he decides to go track down the girl, so him and his dog embark on an epic quest of love, by which i mean walking from Colorado to Louisiana, if you can stay with the film through all of the contrived and hackneyed recycled plots from every other chick film from the last few years that they mash together like a bumble bee mashed between the hands of a mentally unstable child who thinks their parents will be proud of them for their first murder, i'm sure you can guess that buy the end of the film, he not only finds the girl, but also they fall in love and end up happy, you know just like every single other shitty mush movie written over a weekend.

Worst Comedy Of 2012

 The Sitter

Ok i hate to be the one that has to do this, but, Jonah Hill is NOT FUNNY. Seriously, he is just the worst, between that horrible Allen Gregory cartoon of his that got canceled as quickly as it was forced on all of us, and crap like The Sitter, he just isn't funny. Oh sure, he has been in funny movies, but they were not funny because of him, which a lot of people seem to not really get the idea of, he's like a fat Paul Giamatti, people just haven't figured out yet he's a horrible actor who somehow gets into great to moderately good movies.I could honestly go on and on about how this guy is the Rob Liefeld comic book drawing of actors, but instead I'll focus on why exactly The Sitter deserves the title of worst comedy of last year.  See, it kind of is the definition of what is wrong with not only Jonah Hill, but his entire career, The plot is basically recycled from the 1980s, a common practice in Hill's career, in this case its a blatant rip on both Adventures In Babysitting and just about any teenage sex comedy in the last 30 years tossed in for extra "laughs". As you can expect the film takes Hill and his tag along trio deep into the city and after a series of out of the realm of believable things happen, they all eventually end up back home safe and sound. Its just horribly predictable and possibly one of the worst hackjobs i've ever seen in a film. i'm telling y'all, for serious, don't keep getting fooled by this knock off Seth Rogan, he's a horrible actor, who just happens to get into good movies. 

Worst Animated Movie of 2012

Night of the Living Dead: Origins 3D

There were alot of horrible animated movies that just were horrible this year, but of all the really horrible films, this has to be the most WTF and puzzlingly bad of them all. First off, its in 3D, which really isn't all that needed these days honestly, let alone in animated films, but also, why on earth is there, after all this time, a film explaining the origins of the living dead? I mean is it really needed? Do we really need to know where Zombies come from? And in 3D? I mean honestly, what is the point of this horrible attempt at cashing in on the greatest public domain franchise there has ever been? It just doesn't make any sense at all and is completely useless. Seriously, Zombies are Zombies, they just are, thats all you need to know for a night of the living dead movie, you don't need to know their names and their feelings and all of this other horrible horrible crap, doing anything at all to them other then just a shameless attempt to cash in on the horrible teenage supernatural romance bullshit thats going around these days. Avoid this horrible box of shit if you can, avoid it like a boss.

Worst Sci Fi Movie Of 2012


Now i wanna be clear, there were some HORRIBLE sci fi movies last year, I mean seriously horrible, but the one that took the cake, just barely edging ahead of the pack was this monstrosity, now on the surface, Prometheus looked like a good idea, I argued that it should have been called Aliens: Prometheus, or something, seeing as with out telling you, it is ofcourse the origin of the creation of the creatures we know of from the Aliens movies and the ever stumbling at the opening gate Alien vs. Predator series. Now i've always argued that the Aliens never really needed a "how they were created" film, I mean they're a race of aliens, isn't that enough? Do we really need to know they came from humans who mucked about on a planet they really shouldn't have? No, we didn't, again, they're a race of aliens, who the hell cares what they were created from, they're aliens, that should be enough of a backstory, though maybe I would have liked to see a home planet populated by them, but thats just a passing curiosity. In all do fairness, this movie didn't need to be made at all, it tells a story that didn't need to be told, a story that also makes very little sense, but also, and this is the key here, THIS FILM WAS BORING AS HELL, seriously you could have done this whole story in maybe a 30 minute short film or something if you even needed to make it at all. Its seriously no wonder this thing flopped and flopped hardcore at the box office.

Worst Action Film Of 2012


Oh boy oh boy was this one a pile! Seriously, this had so little going for it, it had no chance really but to be the steaming pile of camp that it ended up becoming. Not even Liam Neesson grimacing "you sunk my battleship" couldn't save this from soon being the go to movie for the SyFy Channel when it wants big ratings, to give you an idea of how bad this movie bombed? The knock off made by Asylum Pictures, a company that does nothing but make movies that sound like or are blatant rip offs of big name films, did better sales wise, then this did. Yes you read that right, the big name film, did WORSE then the knock off made by the people who gave you such epic piles of shit as Snakes on A Train, Transmorphers, and Titanic 2. If that doesn't define a film as a pile of shit, nothing will. The whole film is completely flawed, the idea of a fleet of navy ships being blocked inside this sort of grid by some alien invasion force that is both attacking them, and the major cities across the globe, thus in a sense, creating a battle that happens on a grid somewhat like that of the boardgame Battleship, on which the film is based. Seriously this was a giant F/X flop, and it honestly shouldn't have been released to theaters, it was just a bad idea all around. I should also say it just barely beat out John Carter Of Mars for this award by the narrowest of margins, but we'll get to that film in abit.

And now, here are afew others that I felt deserve awards,  simply because I can't find a worst documentary or foreign film...

Most Hilarious Flop

John Carter

Man oh man, was this thing a stinker on levels of suck and fail that Uwe Boll hasn't even discovered yet, I still can not for the life me of me understand what the logic behind this was for Disney, it boggles the mind really. Its almost like the thought process went something like this; "hey, lets take what is gonna be our first tentpole blockbuster of the summer, John Carter Of Mars, shorten the name to simply John Carter, so people who remember the old sci fi stories will be confused as to if this movie is about that character, oh and while we're at it, lets not promote the movie at all until a week before it opens in theaters, and even then, lets do a light peppering of adds, after all, no one wants to see the continued bombardment of adds for a movie that cost 250mil. to make. That'd be silly of us, people will just show up, you know, because we're Disney, and people cult follow us.." .. gah, seriously just typing that out, even in my mocking manner, made me feel like I almost drank some of the disney koolaid. Honestly, if you can avoid this stinker, please, by all means do so. For yourself, for your family, for your parents, for 9/11, for america!

Most WTF Plotpoint

Bruce Wayne's logic and science defying recovery 
in The Dark Knight Rises

Ok, now I will admit, way back in the 1990s, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, long before there was ever a thing called a "vegan", when cartoons weren't just lazy translated anime about spikey haired kids on motorcycles playing card games, and we truly believed Austin 3:16 said "I just whooped your ass" not "I am a drunken redneck that beat both of my wives.", I, like many, fell for the hype that was a batman sales boosting storyline called Knightfall, where in a recently introduced, but still rather obscure Bat baddie by the name of Bane, would break the back of Bruce Wayne, who would, for a time have to give up the mantle of Batman, and though we all questioned why the fill in job was given to equally obscure and also recently introduced character of Azrael, instead of the original Robin, now going by Nightwing, or the current Robin, or anyone really, we all still went along for the two year ride that would see not only the worst Batman suit ever, but we'd be subject to one of the oddest explanations of how Batman was able to walk again. It worked on us all once, surely it wouldn't work on us all a second time would it? Hey guess what? IT WORKED ON US A SECOND TIME. Though admittedly this time it was alot more WTFy then the first time around. involving some kind of magical knee braces and someone mauy tai punching his back into place with the power of kung fu. Seriously, how in the hell did we let that happen a second time? Honestly comic book nerds, we've becoming far too complacent for our own good these days, someone needed to nerdrage about that lazy bit of writing, but yet, none of us did. Shame on us, shame on all of us.

Worst Attempt At Aiming A Movie At Black People

Red Tails

Hey gang! You wanna know whats not a good idea for a movie? Take something as historically important as the legendary Tuskegee Airmen, a group that truly do deserve a proper movie made about them, and then instead of making a respectful and possibly epic movie aimed at the african american community that doesn't have the prefix "Tyler Perry's" before its name, you make it the most horridly hacktastic and embarrassingly ghetto film that you can make it, oh and while you're at it, toss in atleast one rapper, and afew actors from all of those generic gangsta movies that end up on BET, give it a hip hop soundtrack, even though its set in World War 2, and then force the catchphrase "How do you like that, MR HITLER!" into the ghetto lexicon simply by using it in EVERY add you have for the film. Oh and also, completely make up your characters, instead of using the real names of the true Tuskegee Airmen, thus completely invalidating them and their place in history. Also, you wanna know what the worst part is? The very worst part of this attempt at ghettoing up one of the most important things to happen in the second world war, is that the film was written by Aaron McGuder, the created of the often controversial comic strip The Boondocks, which would normally mock the shit out of a pile of crap this big and this bad. I kind of wonder if he did it on purpose....

Movie It Pained Me To Give A Bad Review To..

Dark Shadows

Sigh, you all have no idea how painful it was for me to give this movie such a bad review, I grew up a fan, it was one of the things my parents felt I needed to grow up knowing about, much like they felt with Star Trek, Doctor Who, Blakes Seven, The Prisoner and tons of other classic sci fi stuff that is now hallowed ground to the nerds of the world. I wanted this movie to be good, it had all the things it needed to be so, Johnny Depp as the pre-Buffy archtype of what a vampire was like on tv, also set in the 1970s to give it that retro feel, the amazing Jackie Earl Haley as one of the best henchmen ever to hench, so much right with this, I wanted it to be good, I wanted it to be stellar, I wanted it to be the best it could be. But alas, it was not, it was just a half assed lazy attempt at an unfinished screenplay that read worse then some of the lazier written fanfiction out there, half of the characters were missing or glossed over, and what is there, isn't even close to what would account for a "story", more just two mystical older then dirt characters tossing insults at each other and fucking for half the film, then a forced joke about Alice Cooper, followed by a final act that made no sense at all, seeing as half of the cast has plot twists happen that were not even so much as hinted at before... Seriously this film has so much wrong with it left me crying like a baby that'd lost his favorite toy when this film was over. It just was so awful and I still feel sad at how bad this one was.

And thats about all i can think of, next onto tv... and hopefully it won't take me forever to get this one done like these last two...