I really should get around to posting all the reviews of the movies i saw over the summer, I was just so busy with the food review site launching that I didn't have alot of time for this one... I need to fix that.
What the fuckity fucking fuck Spiderman? First Spiderman 3, then Turn Off The Dark, now whatever the hell this is?
Seriously, what the hell are you doing here? Its like you are redoing that Jewel video Intuition but not sexy. Well ok maybe for the ladies it is, I don't know, but ugh... god what the hell man? First all that shit Dan Slott does to you, now this? damn spidey..
I know this is afew months over due, but, well, honestly i wanted to sit down and truly thing about this before I wrote it, i wanted to choose my words carefully, and make sure I express things in the proper way before anything is misconstrued. After all, most know my dealings with, and thoughts on the late Roger Ebert weren't exactly what one would call favorable most of the time, and the last thing i would wish would be for anyone to believe I am one to kick dog shit in a person's grave as its being covered in dirt.
I would like to first state, that though we never truly agreed on things on a personal and professional level, I always had respect for Roger, after all, with out him and those early trailblazers that took movie reviewing from a novelty much akin to early weather forecasting, into a legit form of news, he gave it credibility, dignity, and he proved that with a simple extending of the thumb up or downwards was as powerful as any marketing and promotional department could ever dream of being. He proved that with just afew lines, the opinion and ideas of an entire nation could swing for or away from any film, truly proving that the power really does lie with the people's general opinion.
I always jokingly knocked Roger for his writing the screenplay to Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls, which though most might not believe it to be, is truly one of my favorite grindhouse films ever made, its got everything that makes a film truly grindhouse; drugs, naked women, free love, and one of the greatest soundtracks ever created for a film. Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls was one of my first encounters with grindhouse, long before i ever knew there was a genre, and even longer before I knew the word or its meaning, in sense, had that film never been made, I might have never gone down my path that led me to where i am now, maybe i'd have gone on to be a race car driver or a cowboy astronaut fireman playboy millionaire superhero or something, instead of what i am, a guy who was able to take his escape from being anti-social and turn it into a pretty fun time reviewing movies. i'll always thank Roger for that, even though i'd never say it to him personally lol.
i want it to be known, though I always critically bashed Roger in his later years, I always respected him for all he has done up to the last few years, when, I felt he had lost his way, though to be fair, I honestly think after Gene Siskle died, he truly started to stop caring as much as he did, and it would eventually trickle down more and more until he started to do sloppy work, hating a movie for the sake of hating a movie or because you dislike the genre is one thing, we all do that at times, but when you mis up characters and scenes that you are using as examples of why you dislike a film, thats just sloppy first day on the job stuff, and i always felt Roger was better then that sort of mistakes or errors. See I wasn't ever angry or mad at him, as a person, it was angry at what he was becoming, instead of the man he is, and had been for decades before, the man that inspired three generations to express their passion for moving film, and to explore the world of film outside of just what hollywood tosses at you, shouldn't be remembered for mistakes that an amateur would make, it was kind of like when you're a kid and you find out Mickey Mouse at Disneyland is just a guy in a bad smelling foam rubber suit, or when you discover that your favorite race car driver is boring as hell in person, if any of that makes sense.
So in the end, I'm gonna do what i think all of the rest of you should do, remember Roger however you wish too, hopefully back when he was healthy and vibrant and would excitedly yell at Gene Siskle for giving away the twist in The Crying Game, or any of the other hilariously passionate arguments the two of them had over the years. Thats when he was in his prime, and thats when i choose to remember Roger.
I would like to first apologize for this being so late, I've had a slue of delays and I didn't wanna abandon the project unfinished, all seems sorted now, so I can finally finish this, yay me!
2012 In Review:
The Best And Worst .... And Afew Things Inbetween
Part 4: Worst Of Television
Ok so we've finally come to the final leg of this, the worst of television from the year that was 2012 in television, sorry this took so long, just alot of stuff went on in between time and i had to go dig up stuff to make sure shows and movies i wanted were from 2012, and not like, the year before or this year, or some other crap. but anyway, here we go, right into the last straightaway with the pedal down, oh and be prepared this one is gonna get pretty sarcastic.
Alright, lets get to this... a'room'a zoom zoom!
Worst Television Series Of 2012
American Horror Story: Asylum
Now, before you rip me to bits like rabid fanboys, let me explain my thoughts on this, I would like to first start out by stating i was one of the biggest voices cheering for the first season of this critically and audience loved series, it was brilliant and envelope pushing beyond what non-pay television here n the USA had seen in a long time. And with that said, like most, I happily and excitedly waited for its second year, and its new story to begin, with high hopes and excited mind, i wanted to see this amazing hive-mind of writers, who were able to sweep almost every award show that gave out awards for television the year before, take on the dark and twisted world that was 1960s mental asylums, with all the crooked doctors and nurses who didn't care, and all the crazy religious fanatics who believed they could cure mental illness through religion. The whole idea just seemed tailor made to let them run with. The problem was though, they let them run abit to wild with things, and what started out as an interesting story about a group of mentally ill people, a possible nazi war criminal hiding as a staff doctor, and a reporter trying to expose the mistreatment at the asylum, slowly became a bloated, overly complicated, and under producing story that just seemed to cram as many different sci fi/horror plots into one story, in a sense, stuffing the story until it burst at the seems, it was just to much for one season, it wasn't for lack of trying, it just seemed to get away from the writers and, well, by the time they realized it, it was to late, it had all gone horribly wrong and the crazy train was so far off the rails not even Ozzy Ozborn could have gotten it back to where its supposed to be. Lets hope next year's story "American Horror Story: Coven" makes up for this mess, else this might be the next Heroes, by which i mean a show with a brilliant first season and then it takes the slow slip and slide ride to horrible tv junction.
Worst Drama Of 2012
The Mob Doctor
I don't really think this one was much of a surprise for anyone, I ripped this steaming pile apart when I saw the pilot, touting it as the next Lone Star, meaning a series that on the surface looks awesome, but on a second look, you notice that its so flawed its painful, and has atleast one character that their whole reason for being in the show is to remind you of the premiss every single time they open their mouth. Its just painful to watch and so very hard to stomach honestly. I understand that complex shows sometimes need a character to remind you of whats what and who's who, and all of that, but honestly, this just had the plot beat into you every chance, ok we get it, she's a doctor that has to work for the mob though she doesn't want too, ok we get it, thank you, continue with your story, assuming you have a story, if not, just shut your fucking mouth and not let things get to far. Stuff like this just proves that for the few good episodes they had, that we need to kind of come back to the old days of anthology type tv shows, maybe as a means of creating a pilot for a spin off series and testing it before it goes to production? Seriously, we need to get back to stuff like that, because if they were to run this as part, it'd maybe be a 5 part series, then it would be done. The story just wasn't there to keep this thing interesting, or worst getting invested in.
Worst Comedy Of 2012
The Mindy Project
I know there might be some flack for this one, but, I just don't get it. I didn't find Mindy Kaling funny on The Office, and I don't find her funny in this, where she's doing some weird mix of her character from the office and every female lead in every romantic comedy ever made. Seriously, i just don't get it. People are all "oh this show is funny" and i'm all "no, its not, one or two funny lines per half hour does not make a show funny, it makes it lazy." but to each their own i guess. Kaling plays a rather dumb and annoyingly spacey doctor in her late 20s, in what seriously sounds like it was a rejected pitch to a Renee Zellwiger project that help her cling to the last bits of her non-Bridget Jones related fame, plus her cast is just plain annoying, they're all snotty uppity dickheads who think they're all that there is in life or have their heads up their asses, its just plain annoying, and when they try to change things up, by either doing something actually funny, or attempting to show off that Mindy Kaling is moderately attractive, it just ends up failing epically in what looks like it should have been an outtake every single time. Seriously, I just don't get it, maybe there is something funny there, but i'm not seeing it.
Worst Animated Series Of 2012
Hollywood, are you listening? Good, get this through your heads, JONAH HILL IS NOT FUNNY, oh sure, he can play a second or third stringer in a funny movie, or even a moderately funny film, but on his own, he's the worst, he makes David Spade and Norm McDonald seem funny. Yes, I just said that. Seriously this series was just horrible, and all involved should be burned at the stake... thats all.
Worst Sci Fi Series Of 2012
Oh, how i have been waiting for this trainwreck to slide just far enough over the line from "So bad its funny" and tumble into "just totally utter shit" as it falls off the cliff into the shit abyss of disrepair and depression. And in its final season, it finally happened. Now before i get to far into it, i'd like to state this show has always been a tad shit. but it wasn't the kind of shit that was just painful to watch, it was campy and goofball written to seem like serious sci fi, it never had a chance, it was historically inaccurate to the point it was painful, and it was almost comical how they made King Arthur, one of the most important fictional characters of all time, and made him nothing more then a really really stupid self absorbed spoiled rich kid that has utterly no clue whats going on around him. Both of these things became painfully evident in the final season, as well as the show's lack of creativity to create proper villains, it was constantly Merlin, Arthur and Co. against Morgana Pendragon, Arthur's banished sister, whom they never mention is his sister after the third season. It just got so painful in the end, like how the show basically forgets its ban on magic in Camalot, which is the whole reason why Merlin is nothing more then a manservant in this version of the tale, or the fact that for a guy who's ment to hate magic, Arthur sure as hell goes running to his people that he knows know how to use it, and yet, is willing to have outsiders of his inner circle that use it put to death. Its just full of giant plotholes... seriously, this show started out as camp filler till Doctor Who aired, and just became total and utter crap by its end. I wouldn't even bother watching it till the end, because the ending is just utter shit as well. Seriously, just go watch something else instead.
Worst New Show Of 2012
Oh boy, oh boy! If you ever wanted a guide on how to NOT write a sci fi mystery set on another world, this would be it, this trainwreck had just enough shit factor to force out The Fades as the worst possible new series from 2012, and as you all know, with my love of sci fi, its painful to give a bad review to anything of that genre, well not Merlin, because it really really sucked dead donkey balls, but everything else, whole other story. As for the plot of Outcasts, its a vaguely told mixture of a space opera, a western, a murder mystery, political drama, and just enough of a hot welsh girl named Fleur welshing about to keep you from falling asleep each episode, ok well almost, you'll still nod off at some points. As for the story, its sort of hack and slashed together from various other sci fi series and films, humans out among the stars in a post earth world, living on a harsh planet that might have a lifeforce of its own and just might not want us living on it, clones that were banished to the outlands during a paranoia agent spreading rampant among a population, said clones become sort of like native americans, or any other people that are one with the land. the whole time they're trying to find supplies and waiting for more settlers, with harsh weather and political and social mysteries afoot. Oh and apparently, humans had been on the planet they're on before millions of years ago or something... honestly I stopped caring about this awhile ago...
Worst "One And Done" Series Of 2012
AKA "So Glad It Didn't Last Long"
On paper, The Fades sounded like a great idea, the story of angels dealing with rogue ghosts here on earth using super powers and whatever, again, it sounded good ON PAPER, in creation and execution however, not so much, not so much indeed. You start out meeting Paul, an awkward depressed child who really only has one friend, and through a series of events, you discover that Paul, literally comes back from the dead, and is infact, an angel, though in this series angels are protrayed like Shinigami or Soul Reapers or a Redeemer of sorts, dealing with what they call "Fades", which are ghosts that have been on earth for long periods of time, simply because they don't know what their unfinished business is. Along Paul's journey, which he takes with his annoying best friend who talks in pop culture references, mostly star wars ones apparently, and his eventual girlfriend Jay, Paul discovers he's not alone with these powers, he eventually meets Neil, who explains that Paul, like him, is what is called an "angelic", and that its their job to deal with the fades. Neil is a horrible waste of life really, a scotish drunk who spends his time either forcing and manipulating others to do things his way, or if he's not doing that, he's beating up, pullling a gun on, or kidnapping and torturing those he calls his friends. Seriously, Neil is a prick. Anyway, the story parts that aren't about Neil's douchebaggery, are about how the Fades have discovered if they eat the flesh of z recently dead being, they once again are given flesh. Its a really complicated and really stupid story honestly, is so full of holes it sad, its almost like they decided telling the story of Neil's dickery was more important then the concept of the story, seriously it was shit. I was seriously expecting more a guy that wrote the bulk of such great shows like Skins, Shameless, Cast Offs, and both This Is England '86 and '88.
The Sophomore Flop
I know, alot of you right now are saying to yourselves "But BC, you love Glee, how can you hate the show thats basically Glee for the more adult viewers? Its just not possible!" well sadly, those people saying such things, either didn't watch the trainwreck that was the second season of Smash, or they just enjoy when something brilliant, becomes something utterly pointless, boring and just drifting by on its one time success. See, Smash, season 1, was excellent, it was brilliant and wonderful and it had only enough Angelica Houstin that you didn't spend time wondering what the hell happened to her between The Aadams Family movies and here, but season 2, when it wasn't trying to literally unwork everything done in season 1, or trying to force two new and utterly bland characters with their vague and confusing half assed musicial on you, all the show did was spin its wheels and have everyone cat fight. Seriously, this show was such a great, fresh, new idea for NBC, but now, they ruined it, as they do with most things that become hits for them, its truly a shame, because they really had the start of something here, but now we'll never know just how far they'd have gone with it, will we?
Ok well thats it for my best/worst of last year, sorry again for this one being so late, but, real life duties called and i couldn't put them aside, i've got a backlog of stuff to get put up soon, so expect more posts from me in the near future... so, until then, blessid be.
So because I am a completest at heart, and also a glutton for punishment, i decided to continue my review of last year's best and worst with the best and worst of Television, simply because, well, why not? 2012 was a pretty odd year over all really, alot of good, alot of bad, alot of WTF and alot of stuff that on paper shouldn't have worked but really did, and became very enjoyable. So lets have us some fun once again, and drive right into what was the best, the worst, and the WTF of last year in tv, just, remember, diving in isn't like diving into Scrooge McDuck's money bin, because believe it or not, diving into a several mile high bin of gold coins and moneys, is gonna be sold and painful to land on, it won't be like diving into a pool or something....
Anyway, with that said, lets get right to it... climb aboard the great space coaster, and away we go!
Best Television Series Of 2012
Five years ago, the brilliant J.J Abrams and the writing staff behind Micheal Bay's Transformers films and the current Transformers series Transformers Prime, embarked on a journey, taking from the foundation built by shows like The X-Files and mixing the impossible of classic sci fi, and the excitement of cloak and dagger style mystery, basing it in Boston Massachusetts, a hub of supernatural for hundreds of years, they called their series Fringe, and oh, how it was a thing of beauty, right up to its very sad end. Fringe started out as just a regular sci fi mystery series, but soon it evolved, it evolved into the story of Walter Bishop, a sort of Dr. Frankenstein who was framed for something he did not do and has spent the better part of 20 years in a mental ward south of Boston, he is released by Agent Olivia Dunham, who had to first track down Walter's estranged son Peter, because Walter could only be released into a family member's custody. Walter is released into a world where all of the super science, or "fringe science" he, like his father before him, had spent his whole life working on, has been sold off and weaponized to the highest bidder. Setting up shop in Walter's old lab at Harvard University the three of them, along with a FBI codebreaker named Astrid form a small group referred to as "Fringe Division" designed to counter and fix anything related to Walter's work thats gotten out into the world. From there the show would just go into mindblowing places, duel universes, time travel, so very many different ways that most sci fi shows only dream of. Sadly though Fringe ended its 5 year run this year after what could be the best 13 episode story arch in all of sci fi tv history, and for that, I have given Fringe my show of the year award for 2012.
Best Drama Of 2012
I know alot of you out there are abit amazed that I am going with a rookie for best drama, but, as you know, when something is worthy, i like to give it the respect it deserves, even if thats not the popular opinion, I know most critics went with the easy choices like Downton Abby or Homeland or Breaking Bad, or anything of that ilk, but I've always thought outside the box, unless I was playing a Metal Gear Solid game, then i'm all about being inside the cardboard box of destiny, but thats a whole other matter. Anyway, though it was mostly overlooked by many, i happened to have loved the series Banshee. Part In Plain Sight, part Outrageous Fortune, part whatever that boring Kevin Costner movie where he kills that dude in a rowboat and takes his identity, Banshee is a smart, brilliant, dark, and delightfully twisted story set in a fictional town in Pennsylvania Amish country called Banshee, where our lead, an unnamed former thief comes to find his expartner and lover after 15 years in jail, so he can get his cut of their last big job. He finds her married with two children and having gone amish on him, as fate would have it, the new town sheriff is killed before he can make it to town, so our excon takes up his name and job as a means of not only being close to his partner, but to hide from the man they both ripped off years ago. Seriously this is a great show, if you haven't seen it yet, you really should give it a look, but start from the start, otherwise you'll be confused.
Best Comedy Of 2012
Mrs. Brown's Boys
I actually had trouble originally coming up with a winner for this one, in a year when alot of comedies came and went and were forgotten as fast as they'd appeared, and when afew that just aren't funny seem to have proven staying power (I am looking at you The Mindy Project..), it seems that people only were caring for existing shows that made them laugh rather then looking for new places to give their gafaws and chuckles. And though the older shows seem to be staying pretty much as fun as they've been, I wanted something different, something unique, and after basically being beat over the head with a frying pan to try the irish sitcom Mrs. Brown's Boys, I decided to give in and give a try. I've learned from this, not to wait so long when beaten over the skull with a pan to see a series, for you see, this show, which is basically part Tyler Perry as Media in all of those horrible movies everyone hates but he somehow makes money off of still, and part classic american sitcom Mama's Family, and set in a place thats living room looks alot like the season one set of The Cosby Show, is undoubtly one of the funniest things I've seen in recent years. What you'd think is a show just about a foul mouthed old irish women played by a man, is really a series about not only her, but her rather messed up children and friends, all of which at times get their lines in, but in the fashion of Mama's Family, its always Mrs. Brown that gets the killer ender lines. This series is one of those thing I wish we here in the states didn't have to seek out online to see, because its truly a comedic gem, and one worth sharing with the entire world. So if you know where to find this hilarious future cult classic, by all means give it a go, you'll love it.
Best Animated Series Of 2012
Now i know alot of Spiderman purists hate this show, they've down right called it the worst spiderman cartoon ever made, worse then Spiderman Unlimited, which, if you've seen that steaming pile of 1990s, is really a massive insult. And though they're welcome to their opinions, lord knows I have mine, but, in a world where the spiderman comic book as spent the last few years just piling WTF ontop of WTF and adding even more WTF just so they don't run out of it. Seriously from Spiderman trading his marriage to Mary Jane and destroying 40 years of marvel history, just to bring Aunt May back to life AGAIN, all the way up to finding out recently that Doctor Octopus bodyswapped with Spiderman at some point when he found he was dying of cancer, and thus, Peter Parker died in Octavious' body, and his "ghost and memories" inspire Doc Ock to be the "superior spiderman" (seriously, that actually happened recently). Anyway, my point is, in a world where the comic book is all over the place, and arguably in its worst state sense the whole Clone Saga of the 1990s, that there is still something out there that gives you the true feel and joy that is Spiderman. This show, creating its own pocket universe where teenage Peter Parker is recruited into SHIELD by Nick Fury and not only given insane amounts of SHIELD tech to help him in his fight on crime, but he's put in charge of a group of orphaned teenage superheroes (Teenage versions of Nova, Iron Fist, Luke Cage and White Tiger), claiming that these things will "take him from the amazing spiderman to the ultimate spiderman". And though the show takes alot of liberties with characters and its take on classic Spiderman mythos, it at its core, is what Spiderman is all about, watching a young hero no different then most of those reading the comics, fighting super villains and though his home life is angsty, he still manages the funny and awesome that makes Spiderman who he is. Its part sitcom, part superhero adventure, and has a healthy dose of nostalga easter eggs as well (There are two hilarious spoofs of the opening to Spiderman and his Amazing Friends that will make you laugh outloud). All this, and much more are why you should give this show a look if you're a nerd friendly cartoon viewer... need more? well, look at the above picture of Spidey in a jetpack... there ya go.
Best Sci Fi Series Of 2012
The Almighty Johnsons
i wrote about this show recently, and got alot of good feedback from new viewers to the series, which is always good, it also works out pretty well that its one my favorite shows of the last few years, and is also one of the most unique and creative ideas in the last few years as well. Set in modern day New Zealand, The Almighty Johnsons tells the story of reincarnation, prophecy and love eternal, the short less complicated version is, it centers around the modern day reincarnations of norse gods. The original norse gods fled the viking lands in the 1850s and landed in new zealand, where they settled into normal lives and began to create families, as each god or goddess died, they were reborn again in the body of a child of a god and a goddess, though you don't know which god they are, until they turn 21 and gain your god name and some of your powers. Among the reborn gods, there is a belief that once Odin is reborn, and he finds his reborn wife Frigg, they will fall in love again, marry and once they do, all the gods and goddesses will be returned to their full powers and status as gods living in Asgard. The series starts as we meet Axel Johnson and his family on his 21st birthday, where its revealed that he is infact the rebirth of Odin, which puts him and his brothers on a hunt for "the frigg" in hopes of making the legend reality, along the way they encounter other gods both good and bad and inbetween, Maori gods, and christian godhunters who believe only their god can exist, and any others are an abomination. The series does a great job picking the right personalities for the right gods, Hel is a bat shit crazy goth girl, Loki is a slimy pile of shit lawyer, Thor is a completely insane goat farmer who spends his days pegging rabbits with his hammer from miles away, seriously its a great concept and a great cast, and though i might make it sound abit choppy, trust me, its a wonderful series and just a joy to watch, seriously if you wanna give it a look, please do so, you will enjoy it.
Best New Show Of 2012
Now, I know long time reader Mojo is gonna give me alot of crap about this one, but, to that i always counterpoint with the fact his opinions don't count because he is reads DC Comics that aren't Batman related and somehow thinks Mark Harmon doesn't eat babies covered in barbecue sauce, but thats a matter for another time. Anyway, I just can't get enough of this show, maybe its because I'm a massive J.J Abrams fanboy, or I just love the fact post apocalyptic stories are finally getting some sci fi respect, and that they're making them look believable now, not like, set just in a bunker or underground city or in space or whatever, I mean if you've watched Revolution, you can clearly see the detail, Wrigley Field in Chicago, looks like Wrigley Field would look in the story's timeline, so does everything else! For those of you who haven't watched the program, here is the basic outline of the plot, with out afew key twists that will ruin the whole thing if i tell you.. 15 years ago, with out any warning, an EMP like wave swept across the United States, and they believe the entire world, knocking out everything that needs electricity to run, so cars, lights, computers, power plants, jets, helicopters, ect, basically everything that we know as common place. Flashforward 15 years, to where our story begins, in a world where we're settled into a mid-1800s at most lifestyle, plants have overgrown cities, all of that, but humanity has survived, and thrived, even if the US is now broken up into territories held by different militant groups, who control their lands and live on the edge of war with each other, well except California, everyone just leaves Governor Afleck and his crazies alone. The story starts in suburban Michigan where we meet Charlie, and her family, as officers from the ruling body of their area, The Monroe Republic, come looking for her father, claiming he is needed to help them with something, Charlie is out hunting at the time and comes home to find her father is shot and her brother has been kidnapped, thinking he can help them as well. Charlie then sets out with her stepmother Maggie Foster, and a family friend Aaron Pittman, go off to find Charlie's uncle Miles, a war hero who can help them get her brother back. By telling you anything after that would be dropping major spoilers, and I really don't wanna do that, the show is just so awesome, seriously, give it a try if you haven't already, its just awesome.
Best "One And Done" Series Of 2012
Now, long time readers will know what my term "One and Done" means, but for those of you that are new, or for people that don't retain memory all that well, let me explain this term, "one and done" is a term I came up with years ago in reference to the series Prison Break, where I stated "it had a great first season, it would just been amazing television if it was just left as that, one and done, it would have been amazing.", sense then, its become a term for shows that were canceled before they should have been, as well as a term for shows that though canceled after one year, told an amazingly good story in that one year, that works as a great stand alone series. Last Resort falls into the side of this with the shows that stand alone as a single, powerful, and downright epic story. Last Resort is a political thriller mystery that dares to tell a story that doesn't put the government of the united states of america in the greatest of lights, it tells the story of the nuclear submarine USS Colorado, a top of the line submarine that is testing out a top secret underwater cloaking system in the indian ocean off the coast of Pakistan, when they get a distress call to pick up some Navy Seals who are in need of a emergency pick up, The Colorado responds they are near by and will pick them up, once they've picked up and radioed they have the Seals onboard, they get a mysterious order sent through the old mostly forgotten cold war emergency back up station on Antarctica giving them an order to fire two of their nuclear missile load at Pakistan. The ship's captain, Marcus Chaplin believes this odd, and calls the pentagon for confirmation, believing sense he's friends with the secretary of defense, he should be able to confirm the order, simply so he doesn't fire for no reason, not wishing to cause an international incident. He is promptly ordered to fire the missiles without question, with threat of court-martial, he refuses to do so until he Secretary of Defense himself gives him the order, in the mean time, another ship, the USS Illinois, actually fires two missiles into Pakistan, and then tries to sink The Colorado, which gets away and takes control of a small island with a NATO missile tracking station on it, by the name of Sainte Marina, where Chaplin broadcasts to the world that he, his troops, his ship, and its nuclear missiles, are alive and well, declairing they have taken control of the island and stating anyone that attempts to attack them, shall meet with their full force, and demanding they will only come home to the united states once their names have been cleared or they've been given the chance to put their case to the people in a civilian court of law. From there the series involves political and military take over attempts, rogue foreign agents, black ops teams, hostile governments looking to take the Colorado for themselves, and a local despot who believes himself a god when he knows all it will take is one order and he, and all he has repressed the island's people for, will be gone. Seriously check this one out once the series is released, and if you can, get the blu rays, because the scenery and the sub shots are just amazing in HD.
Show That Shouldn't Have Failed But Did
Now when we first saw the previews of Terra Nova at ComiCon 2010, with the belief we were to get the series in January 2011, the world collectively shit a brick, this was one of the best ideas in television in a long time, its premiss, was so awesome we all wondered how we hadn't touched on it before. Set in the far flung future, where we've basically destroyed the earth, you need special air tanks to breath outside of your homes, and you can only have a limited amount of children under penalty of jail time and death of the child, the world is nothing more then a dead husk and humanity is running out of time. Scientists develop a means of what they believe is traveling backwards in time, a means they hope will save the planet somehow, but they discover, when they hear back from their rest probe, they not only traveled to the past, but to a different timeline, and from there, their plan start to send back people and in a sense, rebuild humanity using the untouched, unspoiled world of 85 million years in the past, but this time, get things right, and not destroy the planet, to make it all better, to give the world a free start, oh as long as they can deal with the dinosaurs. Yes, didn't i tell you that part? There are dinosaurs that roam wild all around them. Now i admit, the series started out great once it finally came to air, rave reviews, the nerds rejoiced, and we were all happy, we had everything we could need in a sci fi series; time travel, alternate realities, futuristic dead earth, the guy that played the general in Avatar, a chick that looked like former wrestler turned actress turned porn star Chyna but not being her, rebels, awesome transportation, and dinosaurs.. except as the series went on, we got less and less of alot of these things, by which i mean we got alot less dinosaurs, which is ofcourse what we were all watching for, the crazy violent angry dinosaurs we were promised by means of the pilot and the promo material. Sadly, the budget cutting of that nature is what killed the show, which is really sad, it was pretty good while it lasted.
Show I Thought Would Second Year Flop But Didn't
Once Upon A Time
I had abit of a hard time coming up with an honor to give this curious little ABC series, I wanted to give it an honor for not only cultivating an incredibly rabid fanbase, seriously "Oncers" make House Fans seem like jerks that spend all day on WebMD, oh wait, they are, anyway my point is the fanbase they've cultivated is insane hardcore, and thanks to that, and incredibly good writing, that both fits realistic and fairy tale logic, has proven they still have their magic in the second year, and with ratings at a massive high, they'll be easily sliding into a third and possibly more. I honestly must admit, I was worried about this series though, when I read that in its second year, not only where they using characters from fairy tales and folklore, but they wre even adding Disney characters into the series, I was cringing at the idea, but then I saw not only how they were doing this, but why, and I was very relieved, and very surprised that Disney would let anyone write Mulan and Sleeping Beauty as as either bisexual or lesbian. I guess Disney is loosening up in their old age eh? The other thing that saved this awesome little series about fairy tale characters brought to our reality by a curse, is the constant scene stealing by irish character actor Robert Carlyle as nightmare fuel Rumpelstiltskin and his real world alter ego, Mr. Gold, the rich pawn broker who owns most of the town the series of set in. I was so scared for this series last year, but I have to admit, it not only continued to climb after its amazing first year, but it hit the ground running in year two and kept going faster then a horse called Shadowfax ever could. (haha see what i did there? I'm so clever.....) Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, if you haven't seen this wonderful series yet, get right with that, sure its two years in, but those two seasons of catch up with fly by, for reals.
Well thats it for the best, next comes the worst, and then we're back to reviews and a commentary piece i was asked to write up.... So till next time... onto the next!!
And is had to happen, and simply because I wanted to break this up into four posts instead of one giant one, we come to the second part of our best of 2012 series, the worst movies of the year, and believe me, there were some really, and I mean REALLY bad movies made in the last year, why is that? I've no idea, but i guess for every year full of amazing goodness, there has to be epic failures, you know the balance out the whole karma thing. Anyway, after itsa trip to TV Land.. the metaphorical place not the network that sold out afew years back. Anyway, here we go.... A'Room A'Zoom!!!
Worst Movie Of 2012
Maybe I am just too old, but i seriously do not get what in the hell Sasha Baron Cohen was doing with this film, is his goal in life to piss off every single ethnic group there is? I seriously not get the point, oh sure, he struck comedy gold with Borat, but every film after that, has been nothing more then the same film, each time pushing farther and farther into offensive territory, i get that he's trying to "make real life funny" and though it worked brilliantly once, it really hasn't sense, and all he does is get more and more offensive as he goes. I mean honestly, is it really a good idea to do a whole movie where you're lighting a gas fire under a group of people that many already find polarizing? It makes no sense, and honestly Cohen is a friggin idiot for thinking it was a good idea. The only thing worth seeing in this train wreck of a film was the DartzKombat SUV in all gold that Cohen had them make for the movie, and really, thats only if you are a fan or the DartzKombat company and their insanely high end stuff. Otherwise this is just an offensive pile of camel shit that should have been buried in that landfill all those unsold E.T games for the Atari ended up. Seriously, the three people that still think this guy's stuff is funny, you need to stop giving this guy money to make films, he's almost as bad at it as Uwe Boll, yes, I so went there, and I mean it.
Worst Drama Of 2012
The Lucky One
Ok this pile of shit was flawed from the very get go, and continues to prove that just because its "from the writer of the notebook" doesn't mean its good, hell it doesn't even mean its passable, and also, it proves that"if you're a bird, then i'm a bird" is a really moronic statement in any context. But enough about that, here is the basics on this crapfest; a US Marine is in Afghanistan and survives a midnight attack on his location, as he cleans up the wreckage, he sees a shiny glint in the sun and walks over to see what it is, as he bends down to pick up the picture it turns out to be, an unexploded mortar goes off right where he was standing before he went to investigate. Its a picture of a girl with "Be safe" written on the back of it. He keeps it with him looking to find who it belongs too, in the meantime, he continues to barely escape being killed several times, he calls the girl in the picture his guardian angel. From there, he goes home and as you can guess, he decides to go track down the girl, so him and his dog embark on an epic quest of love, by which i mean walking from Colorado to Louisiana, if you can stay with the film through all of the contrived and hackneyed recycled plots from every other chick film from the last few years that they mash together like a bumble bee mashed between the hands of a mentally unstable child who thinks their parents will be proud of them for their first murder, i'm sure you can guess that buy the end of the film, he not only finds the girl, but also they fall in love and end up happy, you know just like every single other shitty mush movie written over a weekend.
Worst Comedy Of 2012
Ok i hate to be the one that has to do this, but, Jonah Hill is NOT FUNNY. Seriously, he is just the worst, between that horrible Allen Gregory cartoon of his that got canceled as quickly as it was forced on all of us, and crap like The Sitter, he just isn't funny. Oh sure, he has been in funny movies, but they were not funny because of him, which a lot of peopleseem to not really get the idea of, he's like a fat Paul Giamatti, people just haven't figured out yet he's a horrible actor who somehow gets into great to moderately good movies.I could honestly go on and on about how this guy is the Rob Liefeld comic book drawing of actors, but instead I'll focus on why exactly The Sitter deserves the title of worst comedy of last year. See, it kind of is the definition of what is wrong with not only Jonah Hill, but his entire career, The plot is basically recycled from the 1980s, a common practice in Hill's career, in this case its a blatant rip on both Adventures In Babysitting and just about any teenage sex comedy in the last 30 years tossed in for extra "laughs". As you can expect the film takes Hill and his tag alongtrio deep into the city and after a series of out of the realm of believable things happen, they all eventually end up back home safe and sound. Its just horribly predictable and possibly one of the worst hackjobs i've ever seen in a film. i'm telling y'all, for serious, don't keep getting fooled by this knock off Seth Rogan, he's a horrible actor, who just happens to get into good movies.
Worst Animated Movie of 2012
Night of the Living Dead: Origins 3D
There were alot of horrible animated movies that just were horrible this year, but of all the really horrible films, this has to be the most WTF and puzzlingly bad of them all. First off, its in 3D, which really isn't all that needed these days honestly, let alone in animated films, but also, why on earth is there, after all this time, a film explaining the origins of the living dead? I mean is it really needed? Do we really need to know where Zombies come from? And in 3D? I mean honestly, what is the point of this horrible attempt at cashing in on the greatest public domain franchise there has ever been? It just doesn't make any sense at all and is completely useless. Seriously, Zombies are Zombies, they just are, thats all you need to know for a night of the living dead movie, you don't need to know their names and their feelings and all of this other horrible horrible crap, doing anything at all to them other then just a shameless attempt to cash in on the horrible teenage supernatural romance bullshit thats going around these days. Avoid this horrible box of shit if you can, avoid it like a boss.
Worst Sci Fi Movie Of 2012
Now i wanna be clear, there were some HORRIBLE sci fi movies last year, I mean seriously horrible, but the one that took the cake, just barely edging ahead of the pack was this monstrosity, now on the surface, Prometheus looked like a good idea, I argued that it should have been called Aliens: Prometheus, or something, seeing as with out telling you, it is ofcourse the origin of the creation of the creatures we know of from the Aliens movies and the ever stumbling at the opening gate Alien vs. Predator series. Now i've always argued that the Aliens never really needed a "how they were created" film, I mean they're a race of aliens, isn't that enough? Do we really need to know they came from humans who mucked about on a planet they really shouldn't have? No, we didn't, again, they're a race of aliens, who the hell cares what they were created from, they're aliens, that should be enough of a backstory, though maybe I would have liked to see a home planet populated by them, but thats just a passing curiosity. In all do fairness, this movie didn't need to be made at all, it tells a story that didn't need to be told, a story that also makes very little sense, but also, and this is the key here, THIS FILM WAS BORING AS HELL, seriously you could have done this whole story in maybe a 30 minute short film or something if you even needed to make it at all. Its seriously no wonder this thing flopped and flopped hardcore at the box office.
Worst Action Film Of 2012
Oh boy oh boy was this one a pile! Seriously, this had so little going for it, it had no chance really but to be the steaming pile of camp that it ended up becoming. Not even Liam Neesson grimacing "you sunk my battleship" couldn't save this from soon being the go to movie for the SyFy Channel when it wants big ratings, to give you an idea of how bad this movie bombed? The knock off made by Asylum Pictures, a company that does nothing but make movies that sound like or are blatant rip offs of big name films, did better sales wise, then this did. Yes you read that right, the big name film, did WORSE then the knock off made by the people who gave you such epic piles of shit as Snakes on A Train, Transmorphers, and Titanic 2. If that doesn't define a film as a pile of shit, nothing will. The whole film is completely flawed, the idea of a fleet of navy ships being blocked inside this sort of grid by some alien invasion force that is both attacking them, and the major cities across the globe, thus in a sense, creating a battle that happens on a grid somewhat like that of the boardgame Battleship, on which the film is based. Seriously this was a giant F/X flop, and it honestly shouldn't have been released to theaters, it was just a bad idea all around. I should also say it just barely beat out John Carter Of Mars for this award by the narrowest of margins, but we'll get to that film in abit.
And now, here are afew others that I felt deserve awards, simply because I can't find a worst documentary or foreign film...
Most Hilarious Flop
Man oh man, was this thing a stinker on levels of suck and fail that Uwe Boll hasn't even discovered yet, I still can not for the life me of me understand what the logic behind this was for Disney, it boggles the mind really. Its almost like the thought process went something like this; "hey, lets take what is gonna be our first tentpole blockbuster of the summer, John Carter Of Mars, shorten the name to simply John Carter, so people who remember the old sci fi stories will be confused as to if this movie is about that character, oh and while we're at it, lets not promote the movie at all until a week before it opens in theaters, and even then, lets do a light peppering of adds, after all, no one wants to see the continued bombardment of adds for a movie that cost 250mil. to make. That'd be silly of us, people will just show up, you know, because we're Disney, and people cult follow us.." .. gah, seriously just typing that out, even in my mocking manner, made me feel like I almost drank some of the disney koolaid. Honestly, if you can avoid this stinker, please, by all means do so. For yourself, for your family, for your parents, for 9/11, for america!
Most WTF Plotpoint
Bruce Wayne's logic and science defying recovery
in The Dark Knight Rises
Ok, now I will admit, way back in the 1990s, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, long before there was ever a thing called a "vegan", when cartoons weren't just lazy translated anime about spikey haired kids on motorcycles playing card games, and we truly believed Austin 3:16 said "I just whooped your ass" not "I am a drunken redneck that beat both of my wives.", I, like many, fell for the hype that was a batman sales boosting storyline called Knightfall, where in a recently introduced, but still rather obscure Bat baddie by the name of Bane, would break the back of Bruce Wayne, who would, for a time have to give up the mantle of Batman, and though we all questioned why the fill in job was given to equally obscure and also recently introduced character of Azrael, instead of the original Robin, now going by Nightwing, or the current Robin, or anyone really, we all still went along for the two year ride that would see not only the worst Batman suit ever, but we'd be subject to one of the oddest explanations of how Batman was able to walk again. It worked on us all once, surely it wouldn't work on us all a second time would it? Hey guess what? IT WORKED ON US A SECOND TIME. Though admittedly this time it was alot more WTFy then the first time around. involving some kind of magical knee braces and someone mauy tai punching his back into place with the power of kung fu. Seriously, how in the hell did we let that happen a second time? Honestly comic book nerds, we've becoming far too complacent for our own good these days, someone needed to nerdrage about that lazy bit of writing, but yet, none of us did. Shame on us, shame on all of us.
Worst Attempt At Aiming A Movie At Black People
Hey gang! You wanna know whats not a good idea for a movie? Take something as historically important as the legendary Tuskegee Airmen, a group that truly do deserve a proper movie made about them, and then instead of making a respectful and possibly epic movie aimed at the african american community that doesn't have the prefix "Tyler Perry's" before its name, you make it the most horridly hacktastic and embarrassingly ghetto film that you can make it, oh and while you're at it, toss in atleast one rapper, and afew actors from all of those generic gangsta movies that end up on BET, give it a hip hop soundtrack, even though its set in World War 2, and then force the catchphrase "How do you like that, MR HITLER!" into the ghetto lexicon simply by using it in EVERY add you have for the film. Oh and also, completely make up your characters, instead of using the real names of the true Tuskegee Airmen, thus completely invalidating them and their place in history. Also, you wanna know what the worst part is? The very worst part of this attempt at ghettoing up one of the most important things to happen in the second world war, is that the film was written by Aaron McGuder, the created of the often controversial comic strip The Boondocks, which would normally mock the shit out of a pile of crap this big and this bad. I kind of wonder if he did it on purpose....
Movie It Pained Me To Give A Bad Review To..
Sigh, you all have no idea how painful it was for me to give this movie such a bad review, I grew up a fan, it was one of the things my parents felt I needed to grow up knowing about, much like they felt with Star Trek, Doctor Who, Blakes Seven, The Prisoner and tons of other classic sci fi stuff that is now hallowed ground to the nerds of the world. I wanted this movie to be good, it had all the things it needed to be so, Johnny Depp as the pre-Buffy archtype of what a vampire was like on tv, also set in the 1970s to give it that retro feel, the amazing Jackie Earl Haley as one of the best henchmen ever to hench, so much right with this, I wanted it to be good, I wanted it to be stellar, I wanted it to be the best it could be. But alas, it was not, it was just a half assed lazy attempt at an unfinished screenplay that read worse then some of the lazier written fanfiction out there, half of the characters were missing or glossed over, and what is there, isn't even close to what would account for a "story", more just two mystical older then dirt characters tossing insults at each other and fucking for half the film, then a forced joke about Alice Cooper, followed by a final act that made no sense at all, seeing as half of the cast has plot twists happen that were not even so much as hinted at before... Seriously this film has so much wrong with it left me crying like a baby that'd lost his favorite toy when this film was over. It just was so awful and I still feel sad at how bad this one was.
And thats about all i can think of, next onto tv... and hopefully it won't take me forever to get this one done like these last two...