Sunday, November 29, 2009

Torrent Picks 11/29/09

Well its that time of the week again, time for us to dive head first into the deep end of the ocean that is the world of cinema and see what interesting little treasures we can find. So with out any farther delay, here we go...

Oh and just like last week, i'm feeling my roots, we're totally going Grindhouse.... 

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: The film opens with a scroll dictating that, when Alfred Hitchcock's film The Birds (1963) was released, audiences laughed at the notion of birds revolting against humanity, but when an attack perpetrated by birds occurred in 1975, no one laughed. This is followed by a pre-credits sequence of a tomato rising out of a woman's garbage disposal unit. Her puzzlement turns into terror as the tomato draws her into a corner. Following the credits, we see the police investigating her death. One officer discovers that the red substance she is covered with is not blood, but tomato juice. A series of attacks perpetrated by tomatoes occur (including a man dying by drinking tomato juice made from a killer tomato and a sequence where the tomatoes attack innocent swimmers, in a parody of Jaws). While the President's press secretary Jim Richardson tries to convince the public that there is no credible threat, the president puts together a team of specialists to stop the tomatoes led by a man named Mason Dixon. Dixon's team includes Sam Smith, an African-American disguise expert who is seen at various points dressed as, among other things, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and even Adolf Hitler; Navy diver Greg Colburn; Russian Olympic swimmer Gretta Attenbaum; and parachute-toting Wilbur Finletter. Smith is sent out to infiltrate the tomatoes, eventually blowing his cover when he asks if anyone could "pass the ketchup." Colburn and Gretta are sent to sectors, and Finletter stays with Mason. Meanwhile, the president sends Richardson to the fictitious ad agency "Mind Makers," where executive Ted Swan spends huge amounts of money to develop virtually worthless ploys including a bumper sticker with "STP" for "Stop Tomato Plants" on it, a satirical reference to the real "whip inflation now" campaign and its widely ridiculed "WIN" slogan. It is revealed that a human is also plotting to stop Dixon when a masked assassin attempts to shoot him, but misses. A senate subcommittee meeting is held where one secret pamphlet is leaked to a newspaper editor who sends Lois Fairchild on the story. While she tails Finletter, he mistakes her to be a spy and trashes a hotel room attempting to kill her. He then chases the assassin as the masked man fails again to kill Dixon, but loses him. Gretta is killed and further regression has led leaders to bring in tanks and soldiers to the west coast in a battle that leaves the American forces in shambles. Dixon, walking among the rubble, sees a trail of tomato juice and decides to investigate. He ends up being chased by a killer tomato to an apartment where an oblivious child is listening to the radio. The tomato is about to kill Dixon but suddenly flies out the window. Dixon peers out to see if it has died when he spots the assassin hijacking his car. He chases the assassin until he is knocked out when it is revealed that Richardson is behind the tomatoes. He is about to reveal his secret of control when Finletter charges in and runs him through. Dixon, picking up some strewn records, realizes that both times the tomatoes left him the new hit song "Puberty Love" had been on the radio. He orders Finletter to gather all remaining people and bring them to the stadium, which is soon attacked by the tomatoes. The tomatoes are cornered in a stadium. "Puberty Love" is played over the loudspeaker, causing the tomatoes to shrink and allowing the various people at the stadium to squash them by stomping on them repeatedly. Fairchild, meanwhile, is cornered by a giant tomato wearing earmuffs. Dixon saves her by showing the tomato the sheet music to "Puberty Love." He professes his love to her, in song. The film ends by showing a carrot that rises from the Earth and says "All right, you guys. They're gone.". This is BY FAR one of the best of the Grindhouse genre has to offer, in many ways its the definition of what Grindhouse is all about, low budgets, absurd plots with enough cheese and shock to keep you sitting in your seat at the drive in or the old dollar theater on a saturday afternoon or night, the movie is redunkulusly bad, but thats the fun of it really, you get to laugh at the completely off the wall out there story, and thrill as the humans run away from killer tomatoes, its just so delightfully cheese.

The Cars That Ate Paris: A small town in rural Australia (Paris) makes its living by causing car accidents and salvaging any valuables from the wrecks. Into this town come brothers Arthur and George. George is killed when the Parisians cause their car to crash, but Arthur survives and is brought into the community as an orderly at the hospital. But Paris is not problem free. Not only do the Parisians have to be careful of outsiders (such as insurance investigators), but they also have to cope with the young people of the town who are dissatisfied with the status quo. Now this film is one of my favorites in whats called "Carsploitation" which during the heyday of Grindhouse was very popular at drive ins, go figure right? movies about cars, popular at a place you sit in your car and watch a film, who'd have guessed. This is one of those cool ones that didn't just put big fancy bad ass muscle cars or sleek imports on camera and let people tool around in them, this one actually built and costumed up some great cars, most noted is the Volkswagen Beatle thats covered completely in spikes, that has become the iconic image from the film, and from what i understand is in an Aussie museum of movie and television, but I'm not really sure on that honestly. Its still a fun campy ride through international grindhouse, should definitely check it out.

Dirty Mary Crazy Larry: a cult 1974 car chase film starring Peter Fonda, Susan George, Adam Roarke, and Vic Morrow. The film was directed by John Hough. The music score contains no incidental music, apart from the theme song over the opening and closing titles, and a small amount of music heard over the radio. The story deals with two would-be NASCAR hopefuls; the driver, Larry (Peter Fonda), and his mechanic, Deke (Adam Roarke), who successfully execute a supermarket heist to finance their jump into the big-time auto racing world, extorting $150,000 in cash from the supermarket manager (Roddy McDowall in an uncredited role) by holding his wife and daughter hostage. In making their escape, they are confronted by Larry's one-night stand, Mary (Susan George), who convinces them to take her along for the ride (under the threat of her blowing the whistle on them both). After the heist is reported to the Sheriff, Captain Franklin (Vic Morrow) obsessively sets out to capture the trio in a dragnet, only to find his patrol cars woefully inadequate to catch Larry, Mary and Deke in a high-performance 1969 Dodge Charger. The trio evades several patrol cars, a high-performance police interceptor, and even Captain Franklin himself in a Bell JetRanger helicopter, but finally colliding with a small freight train, in one of the most shocking (and now legendary) movie endings of all time. This is another of those awesome race chase movies that ruled the drive ins of the grindhouse era, and where the foundation for many of the action films you see today, only these had plots, but this film has everything, car chases, awesome stunts, a brilliant climatic scene that if it were made today would have been surely done by Micheal Bay the master of the explosion, its just so awesomely done. Plus its one of the few Peter Fonda films that I can sit and watch with out feeling kind o sick inside, which is always a plus. The film is also abit of a hidden easter egg in many things, its been seen on movie and tv screens in various movies and tv shows, and the train scene was used in the opening sequence of the craptacular 1980s television series The Fall Guy, which starred Lee Majors. Thankfully though, this film is loads better.

Dr. Goldfoot And The Bikini Machine: Price plays the titular mad scientist who, with the questionable assistance of his resurrected flunky Mullaney, builds a gang of female robots who are then dispatched to seduce and rob wealthy men. (Goldfoot's name reflects his and his robots' choice in footwear.) Avalon and Hickman play the bumbling heroes who attempt to thwart Goldfoot's scheme. The film's climax is an extended car–bike–cable car–boat-on-wheels chase through the streets of San Francisco. This is one of those films that you read about, and think "nah, they couldn't have made this.. its too crazy to be real" kind of like my favorite "Candy" from 1968, and more so, the fact it has horror master Vince Price, in the most completely absurd and arguably the most embarrassing role of his career, though if you were to ask Price about his years of playing Dr. Goldfoot in both films in the series, he would fondly and jokingly talk of how much fun it was to play the role, and how he would continue to play the insane Doctor Goldfoot to the day he died if he could, kind of like his role as Egghead on the old Batman show in the 1960s. Plus, with all the awesome that is Horror Master Vincent Price over acting to comedicly embarrassing levels, but also, you have 1950s singer turned horrible actor Franky Avalon as the heroic lead, you can't make up stuff this bad in your worst nightmares. But seriously, have a look cuz its so hilariously bad.

The Fearless Vampire Killers: This film takes us into the heart of Transylvania where Professor Abronsius, of the University of Königsberg, and his apprentice Alfred are on the hunt for vampires. Abronsius is old and withering and barely able to survive the cold ride through the wintry forests. Alfred is bumbling and introverted. The hunters come to a small Central European town seemingly at the end of a long search for signs of vampires. The two stay at a local inn, full of angst-ridden townspeople who perform strange rituals to fend off an unseen evil. Whilst staying at the inn, Alfred develops a fondness for Sarah, the daughter of the tavern keeper Yoine Shagal. After witnessing Sarah being kidnapped by the vampire, Count von Krolock, the two follow his snow trail, leading them to Krolock's ominous castle in the snow-blanketed hills nearby. They break in to the castle, but are trapped by the Count's hunchback servant, Koukol. Upon being taken to see the count, he affects an air of aristocratic dignity whilst he cleverly questions Abronsius about his interest in bats and why he has come to the castle. They also encounter the Count's son, the foppish (and homosexual) Herbert. Meanwhile, Shagal himself has been vampirized and sets on his plan to turn Magda, the tavern's beautiful maidservant, into his vampire bride. Despite misgivings, Abronsius and Alfred accept the Count's invitation to stay in his ramshackle gothic castle, where Alfred spends the night fitfully. The next morning, Abronsius plans to find the castle crypt and kill the Count, seemingly forgetting about the fate of Sarah. The crypt is guarded by the hunchback, so after some wandering they climb in through a roof window. However, Abronsius gets stuck in the window and it is up to Alfred to kill the Count, which he feels unable to do. He has to go back outside to free Abronsius, on the way coming upon Sarah having a bath in her room. She seems oblivious to her danger when he pleads for her to come away with him. After freeing Abronsius, who is half frozen, they re-enter the castle. Alfred again seeks Sarah but meets Herbert instead, who first attempts to seduce him and then, after Alfred realizes that Herbert's reflection does not show in the mirror, reveals his vampire nature and attempts to bite him. Abronsius and Alfred flee from Herbert through a dark stairway to safety, only to be trapped behind a locked door. They also realise night is falling. As they watch horrified, the gravestones below open up and they see that there are many vampires at the castle. The Count appears, mocking them and tells them their fate is sealed. He leaves them to attend a dance, where Sarah will be presented as the next vampire victim. However, the hunters escape by boiling water in a cannon and blowing off the door, and come to the dance in disguise, where they grab Sarah and flee. Escaping by horse carriage, they are now unaware that it is too late for Sarah, who bites Alfred, thus allowing vampires to be released into the world. Outside of Hammer Studios, this film is one of the few that truly catches the truest feel of what a vampire movie is ment to be in the era of Grindhouse, its just camp enough to make you laugh, its just bad enough to make you feel ashamed to admit you watched it and enjoyed it, and its just horror enough to scare you slightly. Plus, its a Roman Palanski movie which is pretty awesome regardless of what you think of the man and his, strange, personal lifestyle, and also its got Sharon Tate, which is also pretty incredible, given how little movies she actually was in before she was killed. Its a ridiculously bad, and thats what makes it so damn funny.

Well thats it for this week, i hope you all enjoy these films as much as i enjoy sharing them with you. So until next week, i hope you all enjoy your little adventures in Professor Collins Film Study Class.



Thursday, November 26, 2009

Some Thanksgiving Comedy...

I can't take credit for this, I got it out of Wired Magazine, but I feot it was both truthful and funny enough to share with all of you, plus its thanksgiving here in the states and the bloggings is abit slow and slim pickens, so much so that it allowed me to make a refernce to the guy that rode the bomb in Doctor Strangelove and not have to force it just then.. Anyway here we go...

Top 20 Unfortunate Lessons Girls Learn From Twilight

1. If a boy is aloof, stand-offish, ignores you or is just plain rude, it is because he is secretly in love with you — and you are the point of his existence.

2. Secrets are good — especially life-threatening ones.

3. It’s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful — as long as he has great abs.

4. If a boy tells you to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the love of your life. You should stay with him since he will keep you safe forever.

5. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling you he will never see you again), it is because he loves you so much he will suffer just to keep you safe.

6. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your friends and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences — as long as you keep your grades up.

7. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even more romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.

8. Boys who leave you always come back.

9. Because they come back, you should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.

10. Even though you have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, you should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy you something.

11. You should use said male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical or technical.

12. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while you run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what you must do.

13. Car theft in the service of love is acceptable.

14. If the boy you are in love with causes you (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten you end up in the hospital, you should tell the doctors and your family that you “fell down the steps” because you are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.

15. Men can be changed for the better if you sacrifice everything you are and devote yourself to their need for change.

16. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills or emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.

17. Girls shouldn’t always read a book series just because everyone else has.

18. When writing a book series, it’s acceptable to lift seminal source material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.

19. When making or watching a major feature film, you should gleefully embrace the 20 minutes of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.

20. Vampires — once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures — are no longer scary. In fact, they’re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.

hehe... I hope all of you have a great and safe thanksgiving to those who celebrate, and to those who don't, well, more turkey for me!



Sunday, November 22, 2009

Torrent Picks 11/22/09

Well its that time of the week once again, where i sit here and internally argue over which 5 movies I should put out for you all to give a look too and see if you enjoy them as much as I do, and hope that maybe, you'll grow to love them and share them with your friends...

Anyway, lets get into this shall we?

The Sensation of Sight: This one's abit special, but before I explain that, here is the plot synopsis: A fusion of dream/reality, this off-beat drama about man’s search for meaning amidst the ache of despair chronicles Finn, a middle-aged English teacher, as he enters a mid-life crisis impelled by a recent tragedy. As he sets afoot selling encyclopedias to the town locals, encounters ensue and sales are made, but Finn’s anxieties begin to consume him as he finds himself pursued by an unrelenting ghost. Circling through sleepless nights and desperate days, The Sensation of Sight intertwines lives of loneliness and disconnection, fatefully leading Finn toward an unexpected and sublime awakening. Now, this is truly a great mostly overlooked gem, which is a serious contender for my movie of the year given its recent small theatrical release to art house theaters, but more so then its brilliance, its amazing because it was filmed here in the town i live in, it was filmed over a summer and every single location, every house, every interior of a house, every outdoor scene, every building, all of that, all is shot here in town, afew scenes are even right across the street from where i live, so its got a special meaning for me, it just happens that also, its a brilliant and very deep film to boot. Which is good, cuz, well, the last film they shot here, The Legend of Lucy Keyes, not such a great film... and is best left forgotten. So yeah seriously give this one a shot.. you'll enjoy it immensely.

Birth Of A Nation: This is an odd choice, but I think in terms of historial value, both as a timecapsule of what people honestly were like in post civil war america, and also for the fact this is the first "blockbuster" film, and its impact on cinema in general, I felt I should give it some love just once, though in all honesty, i find it both sickening and compelling, and i guess thats about all one can do with this film really, kind a strange respective medium. here is a shortened version of the plot: Two brothers, Phil and Ted Stoneman, visit their friends in Piedmont, South Carolina: the family Cameron. This friendship is affected by the Civil War, as the Stonemans and the Camerons must join up opposite armies. The consequences of the War in their lives are shown in connection to major historical events, like the development of the Civil War itself, Lincoln's assassination, and the birth of the Ku Klux Klan. Now, taking out the fact this film is basically racist propaganda, and that all the black people are actually white people in blackface, this film is probably best seen the way nazi made propaganda films are, where you have to take completely out of context that it was made to farther a hatred or misguided belief. When you take that out in your mind, its actually not a bad film, its quiet brilliant really once you take that out, plus it was the film tht lead to D. W Griffith's masterwork, Intolerance.

Chasing Amy: Holden McNeil falls hard for Alyssa Jones, only to find that she plays for the other team. But their connection persists, and he pursues, and all of a sudden unspoken passion gives way to a budding relationship. Threatened by Alyssa’s intrusion, Holden’s friend, roommate and comic book co-creator Banky Edwards (Jason Lee) digs up some dirt that may bring the whole thing to an end. Holden must learn to deal with Alyssa’s checkered past and come to terms with his own feelings on the relationship while simultaneously straightening out his wounded friendship—but confronting the ugly truths of life is easier said than done. This is one of those movies that is incredible in the fact that it ensured its target demographic 100% but also was able to reach out of it, and eventually solidify Kevin Smith's status as a geek hero and cult director, and the movie that solidified his jerseyverse series of films, which went on to define his career. This is notable too in the fact its actually got the most lines spoken by Smith's character of Silent Bob, which among fans of his movies is pretty important.

A Clockwork Orange: Set in a dystopic England of the future where gangs roam the streets, do drugs, and speak a slang language based on Russian, it follows the story of young delinquent Alex (Malcolm McDowell). Alex's love for cruelty and rape is only overshadowed by his love of classical music. After committing a terrible crime he is sent to a detention facility where he is subjected to a new technique for rehabilitating criminals. This technique involves forcing the subjects to watch films of violence while under the influence of drugs that cause pain. This technique creates an association in the subject between violence and pain and essentially cures Alex of his violent impulses. Unfortunately, the soundtracks of these films is the same classical music Alex once loved, and he necessarily comes to associate this music with extreme physical pain as well. After his release from the hospital, he wanders the streets and is beaten by his former friends, as he is now physically incapable of defending himself. He returns to the scene of the crime that got him arrested, where the husband of the woman he killed tortures him by forcing him to listen to Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Alex attempts suicide by jumping out of a window, but survives. After some time in the hospital he returns to normal and is seduced into joining the current political administration, in order to repair the damage to their reputation caused by his attempted suicide. He is happily a violent delinquent again, this time in the pay of the government. This is one of the best films ever made, so much so its a definitive work of the british cinema, and though some can argue the violence and nudity is, questionable to some.

Good Night, And Good Luck: Based on the treacherous times of the 1950's when the Communist scare was sweeping around the country. A CBS news anchor Edward R. Murrow (David Strathairn) along with his director Fred Friendly (George Clooney) takes on the US Government and Senator Joseph McCarthy when they run a story about a member of the Air Force that was dismissed because of suspected ties to Communism. What results is a war of words and accusations that make the CBS Network President William Paley (Frank Langella) nervous and could lead to lasting effects for both Murrow and his crew. This film went mostly over looked when it was release not many years ago, but I feel it tells a story of importance and tells of the closest thing we will find to witch trials in modern day history, the communist trails of Senator Joe McCarthy, who ruined many a life with his misappropriations and paranoia during the cold war, a shameful time in American history which though looked back on in disgust and shame, but can still teach us alot and be used as a great background for other stories. Too often in american culture the 1950s are seen as a time of great joy and innocence, when really all that was, was how television was back then, in the real world, it wasn't like that at all.

Well, thats it for this week, i hope all of you have a great and safe holiday, and I will be back later this week wtih more...



Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Reality Shock 11/17/09

The Reality Shock:
The Return Of The Hate Of Uwe Boll And Other Family Classics

Hello my loyal seekers of truth and realism, it is once again time for this humble preacher to step up to the pulpit of righteousness and preach to the masses of all that is good, all that is wrong, and all that should be sent to an island far out to sea where they will be hunted for sport on live television twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Yes, my friends, it is time once again for me to shine the light into the darkest corners of the entertainment world and expose the things hiding in the darkness for what they are, and watch as they scurry away into the night. Yes, that is right my loyal readers it is time once again, for the one and only Reality Shock, the ride that takes you up to the top of the stars, and down to the bottom of the gutter, where we say hello to former 1980s trash sitcom star turned broke reality tv show whore Willie Aames from Charles in Charge and other boring shows everyone wishes were never made, and then come back up again before the end of the ride. And when this ride is over, you will, as you always do, have many things to think about, many good, many bad, many that will question why you read my rambling opening paragraphs that all these years later I still can not come up with a good way to start out, so I just go random, and then you realize, its alright when I go random, because some of my best stuff is pulled right out of my head raw and unfiltered... so with all of that said, lets end the painful to read opening paragraph with me simply saying, once again, thank you all taking the time to read The Reality Shock before lining your bird cage or puppy pooping area with it, I am your guide to the world of weird and even weirder that goes on in the world of entertainment, put your trays in the upright position as we ready for launch, and most importantly, I hope you enjoy the ride...

Now lets get down to it shall we? A'Room'a'zoom'zoom!!

Ok so, lets see, whats in the news today...

Oh here is a good place to start, apparently, the world just isn't done dealing with former beauty pageant headline maker Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California who has proven that not only can pageant contestants run states, and say complete and utter nonsense and offend the entire homosexual community in just few sentences, but they can also be two faced lying hypocritical bitches as well. Now yes, we all know about her erstwhile tryst with America's golden (medal) boy Michael Phelps. avid lover of all things that involve no body hair at all, as well as all things that produce greenish gray smoke and make you crave cheetos and abbazabbas, which in itself is completely out of the realm of “correct” for a good god loving christian girl like Carrie, because as many of you are aware, the catholic church has very strict rules and beliefs on the concept of being completely shaven from head to toe, and sure we all condemned her for that, and rightly so, hairless people are creepy, like, creeper then an albino creepy. But it seems that now Carrie is in the news again, this time for an alleged sex tape of some sort that shows some rather... non-christian.. things on it. Which is weird because her actual preacher was quoted as saying his congregation and infact the entire catholic church is supporting her on this. Really? Really? Really? Are you serious? You are gonna support a woman thats done more damage to the catholic church's reputation then Sarah Palin and Pope Palpatine, are you serious? Are you 100% serious? What the hell are you thinking? Honestly, are you drinking abit too much of that blood of the savior? I am risking some major flack here, but for a group of fanatics who contradict everything their founder stood for, and believe that dinosaur bones aren't real, but unicorns are, is it really a good idea to let your newest poster child be one who is a complete mockery of humanity? Honestly? Weak. Sauce. Seriously, Weak Sauce.

Speaking of people I wish would just go away, it appears that David Hasslehoff has made it into the news once again, this time though its not for his love of eating Wendy's cheeseburgers on bathroom floors while prattling on about how lonely he is while his daughter films it and puts it on youtube for some reason that more then likely was to restart his career, this time its once again for being drunk and disorderly, this time taking out his rage for how crappy his career has become and playing second fiddle to Sharon “I dress like a MILF even though its creepy and people find me annoying” Ozborne, on the elderly, yes, you read that right David Hasslehoff, drunk on cheap beer and his own self imposed concept of having starpower, felt the need, while at a Casino in Whistler British Columbia Canada, to harass an elderly woman in her mid 70s, now no one really knows why The Hoff felt the need to attempt to pick a fight with this little elderly woman, maybe she took a machine he was working trying to get back some of that money he drank away in the 1980s, or maybe she didn't remember him from Knight Rider, or maybe here is a thought, David Hasslehoff is a total jerk and likes to pick fights with old people for no reason. Plus, to add to this, apparently, seven hours later, after he was booked and later released from Canadian jail, which I guess means you say “ok I learned my lesson” and they let you out, The 80s Quaffed Leather Pantio'd fallen megastar (in Germany only) was seen again, in the same casino, in the same bar area, drinking once again, and was seeming to be in a worse state then earlier. So yeah, thats seriously messed up. I mean ok, i'm by no means a fan of Das Hoffinstein, but come on, its time to do what every other fallen megastar (in Germany only) does when they sink this low, get on one of those famous people in rehab shows that no one's watching. Oh sure you won't become more then just a joke, but hey, you'll be sobered up, and plus, The Hoff's career was already a joke that was circling the drain.

In related news, my friend Rose could totally kick Sharon Ozborne's ass in a fight, with out a doubt, put the two of them in a ring and let them get their dutchess of queensberry rules on, and in the end, Rose would knock that crazy old woman flat. You know that might be a good idea for a charity event... I need to write that down, “Knock Out Worthless Celebrities Charity” it could be a yearly event, and maybe, just maybe, I could finally get my chance to knock out Uwe Boll. Oh yeah, totally gonna write down that idea and look into making it happen.

In even more sickening news, Joe Francis the creator of the insanely exploitative Girls Gone Wild series is not going to jail for tax evasion after all. I guess the most incipiently horrible person on the planet felt it was time to pay the money he owed the government so he didn't end up being passed around prison like an old copy of playboy magazine that hasn't gotten its pages stuck together yet. Kind of sad really, I was hoping that for once the justice system would toss someone that deserved to be locked away in jail, you know, to kind of even things out from all those professional sports players who get to keep getting away with rape and murder and animal cruelty and whatever other violent bullshit there is because they can make a lay up or a touchdown or hit a home run or whatever other things sports people do. Or if not them, atleast few of the famous people that have gotten away with doing horrible things. Most of you long time readers will recall back in the 1920s reality shock I condemned comedian Fatty Arbuckle for getting away with rape and murder of a young actress, this is kind of the same thing, except instead of just getting drunk and high 18 year old girls to sleep with him after getting their tops off, Joe just exploits them for personal gain, if that counts as exploitation in a court of law, I'm not really sure, but in my court of law it does. Joe Francis is a jackass who took the idea of millions of websites where people can put up video and pictures of themselves in the most adult ways and made a profit off it, now I'll admit the idea of a “just turned” 18 year old woman exposing themselves in the way they do in his videos can be seen as hot to some, not so much me, I personally like them out of high school atleast, but thats just me, anyway, the thing with his work is, unlike the internet, which by the time these girls grow older, realize they've done something wrong, the internet will have lost their videos or pictures to the whirlpool that sucks everything of that nature to the bottom of the sea, and by the time they have children it will be impossible to find them, however Girls Gone Wild, much like a tramp stamp, will be there to embarrass you for decades by means of them reusing footage, and yes, they totally reuse footage, all the time. So yeah, though we may all have a laugh at how in 15 years each girl could be explaining to their children how there happens to be video of them flashing their breasts in a bar in Cancun or explaining how or why there is footage of them and their best friend having their first girl on girl experience, you know, on film, and yes, we are right to laugh at these people for their poor judgment and poor selfesteem, but still the fact remains, Joe Francis is an exploiter, user and a horrible human being, ironically all the things people call Larry Flint, except with Flint he isn't actually the douchebag people make him out to me. However Joe, totally needs to die in a fire.

Ok before I go any farther, I need to eat a small amount of crow. I know, I know, amazing isn't it? But its true, I openly admit that I, Captain Boot In Your Ass can be wrong. Its ok, don't loose faith in me just yet, every hero is not with out faultier. Anyway, I need to correct a statement which I was misinformed on last week, in pretence to the casting for next year's The Mighty Thor movie, based on the marvel comic's character, I had stated that Jude Law and Robert De Niro were cast as Loki (Law) and Oden (B. Dizzle), I was misinformed on this, they are not cast in those roles, they were actually cast as members of The Warriors Three, with Jude Law playing Fandral The Dashing, and De Niro playing Volstagg the Valiant, Hogun the Grim has yet to be cast, it was also incorrectly stated that Bobby De To the Nizzle would be playing Balder The Brave, however this has been confirmed as false. However it can be confirmed that Anthony Hopkins has auditioned for, and expressed great interest in playing Oden The AllFather, Personally I think Sir. Anthony Hopkins would be a way better choice then De Niro as the ruler of Asgard. However in more Thor related news, they are aggressively hunting for a woman to play The Enchantress, rumors are abound that they are looking for a somewhat unknown super attractive actress who they can totally fanservice up the character with, which might seem funny, but hey, read a Thor comic, you'll know how key she is to the story over all.

Mike stop singing the theme to the 1968 Mighty Thor cartoon, cuz if you get in your head, you'll get it in my head and then i'll have to punch you in the stomach till it stops playing in my head. Much worse then when you got us lost in space when we were on The Great Space Coaster. Also, no singing Spear and Magic Helmet from Whats Opera Doc? I know what you mean by that you perverted old man.

In the category of movies we don't want or need someone thought it would be a good idea to greenlight, and attach somewhat known actors too, is... yes are you ready for this? Seriously, are you ready for this, no, seriously are you ready for this? Yeah, you sure? Well ok then, get this, the next cartoon in the long line of cartoons to make it to the CGI/Live Action realm that seems to almost always a direct line to totally unabashed epic fail, is, you ready for this? You sure? The next classic cartoon in line is, the classic Hanna Barbera flagship character Yogi Bear. Yes, you read that right, the classic loveable theif of all things Pick-a-nic basket, is going to become a live action CGI hybrid film, and to be honest with you, I can't figure out why. No seriously, I can't figure this out. Its not like Yogi is in the mist of some revival or something, they air the reruns of the classic series here in the states on boomerang, a network aimed for classic cartoons, but as far as actual things done with Yogi, there has been nothing sense 1999 when John Kricfalusi and his Spumco Pictures, the people behind Ren and Stimpy did the their two Ranger Smith shorts, and before that he was last used in the very short lived Yo Yogi in 1991, so its not like he's at the forefront of pop culture or anything. This whole thing has me puzzled honestly, plus add to it, the fact that there are some rather big ticket talent in Dan Aykroyd set to voice Yogi himself, and of all people Justin Timblerlake as Boo Boo, wow really? Boo Boo is bringing sexy back? Yeah no. Anna Faris of all 4 (soon to be 5 btw) Scary Movies and The House Bunny sort of fame, will play a documentary film maker who discovers the hijinks of Yogi and Boo Boo as they steal pic-a-nic baskets and piss off Ranger Smith, and decides to film them instead of her documentary on average bears, Ranger Smith hasn't been officially cast yet, but rumor has it Will “I sink movies” Farell will be cast, because really, what else does this film need more then another reason for it to tank. I honestly have no idea why people would even think this film is a good idea, its just, so not right, its just, so horrible of an idea and really needs to just die, for the good of all human kind it needs to die, it needs to die in a fire. A fire of pic-a-nic baskets.

Fun fact, Hanna Barbera actually owns the phrase “pic-a-nic bask-et” when said the way Yogi says it, if you were to use it with out their permission, they will sue you into the poor house, with out delay infact.

In an ironic, but also filed under movies we don't need, I'm kind of wondering if someone, somewhere at Paramount has been reading my email edition of this column, with all of my mention in recent weeks of how I don't honestly get pop “sensation” Lady GaGa, like her whole deal, the music, the look, all of that, and jokingly calling her things like “A strung out club kid LARPing Jem from Jem and The Holograms” and various other takes that reference the strange but seemingly memorable among all children of the 1980s cartoon that has a bigger cult following then I would have thought it did, no seriously, it totally does, look it up sometime it really shocked me how memorable it and its music is. Anyway, it seems either I was just a head of the game on this one, or someone at Paramount just has uncanny timing, or has been reading my work, because it seems that just the other day Paramount released a statement that the next Hasbro toy owned toy line to follow Transformers and G.I Joe to the big screen is, you guessed it, Jem. And they've stated that among the leads who have expressed interest in playing the lead double role of Jerrica Benton and her truly truly truly outrageous alter ego, is, yes, you guessed, the seeming bain of my existance now that Charlotte Church has shut her mouth, Lady GaGa. Why they haven't asked either Britta Phillips, who did the vocals for the lead character in the show, who later went on to a rather acclaimed career as an indie pop artist, or Samantha Newark, who did the speaking voice, who herself went on to a rather good career as a pop dance artist, rerecording many of the show's songs into dance songs, and actually looks exactly like the character, I have no idea. But more then likely the butterfaced bain of my existence will get the role, because thats how hollywood works, the film is being written by the High School Musical writer, so don't expect a whole lot as far as depth or scripting goes, but well, its not like you can do much with the story of a band who all lead double lives and their mad cap adventures though super stardom to begin with. Expect it to be out before Lady G's star finally burns out in about three years.

Can someone please tell Mealticket... err... Miley Cyrus to get some clothing for the stage that fits her? Honestly, I'm sick of seeing pictures of this little chunk of jailbait as it is, but I'm even more sick of seeing concert photos where she's wearing stuff thats like two sizes to small, I mean you're a friggin popstar thats sold over 10 million records world wide and have droves of tween girls, and their dads, worshipping your every idiotic word, buy some damn cloths that fit you seriously. Oh speaking of Mealticket, she apparently made it a point recently to state that she's never actually heard a Jay Z song, and though she knows his name, couldn't pick him out of a stack of photos. Why she felt the need to tell us in her idiotic way, that her dad is totally racist and she's not allowed to be around black people, is anyone's guess, but hey, atleast its out in the open now, so remember people, Billy Ray Cyrus is raising his idiotic exploited child to be as racist as him. Somewhere in Woodcrest Uncle Ruckus is beaming with pride.... and watermelon and fried chicken... and complaining about that jungle boogie music.

In horrible people news, apparently the Joe Jackson making money off his only successful son's death gravy train just keeps on rolling, with his rushed into theaters documentary slopped together out of bits of a documentary about the big come back shows in London has just made crested the 100 million dollar mark, which proves that I guess it doesn't matter who is making money off it, people miss Micheal Jackson, even if no one would admit it for 15 damn years. And though I wholeheartedly endorse the showing love and respect to the late king of pop, I do however not endorse the idea of giving money to Joe Jackson, as many of you know, I find Joe Jackson to be one of history's greatest monsters, and no, I will not budge on this fact, Joe Jackson is a horrible human being who is attempting to make money off of his dead son's image, and people are letting him, with the teeshirts, and the movie, and the soundtrack and dvds and all the other stuff of Micheal's that he is releasing Joe Jackson does not deserve to profit off his son's life, he treated Micheal like a tool and is the reason he was so mentally unstable, and the fact that he uses every single moment he's on tv to talk about his reality show that A&E recently picked up, oh sure, your son is dead, your only profitable son who left you in the dust years ago, is dead, but hey, its ok that you're selling us your dvd of your memories of him, with old home movies, and photos, and unreleased songs, and your personal memories of your only successful child who went off to be a billionaire after he got rid of you and your poisonous ways, memories that mostly involve saying things like “I was a good father, even though the public doesn't believe me to be...” and garbage like that. Joe Jackson deserves to die in a fire violently and painfully. And you know what? This brings up another point I'd like to make again, with all this love for Micheal Jackson now that he's dead, where in the bloody hell was this love when he was alive? Where the hell was all of this love for the last like 15 years or so of his life, oh sure now its all “oh we miss him' “music will never be the same” “there will never be another like him..” and stuff like that, people pouring out 40s, and spray painting murals of him, wearing air brushed pictures of him on hats and shirts and whatever, well like, where the hell was all this love before? If all these people remembered and loved him so damn much, he wouldn't have been almost in dept by the time he died, he would have never had to sell the thriller outfit, or the one glove, or any of the other things he was forced to sell to make ends meet. And sure, people can say i'm being overly critical and maybe they're right, but you know what? I wouldn't care if it wasn't for the fact all the sales of this stuff is going to Joe Jackson.

Why is there a sequel to Alvin and the Chipmunks? Seriously, what is this about, that movie was a horrible bit of dreck, that did nothing other then make people wish Jason Lee would stick to just being Earl Hickey and not attempt to do horrible horrible things like this. Oh wait, we can't let Jason Lee be Earl Hickey anymore, because NBC canceled My Name Is Earl, and TBS who seem to have no issues running the holy hell out of the 4 seasons that were made and all the money that brings them, felt their money was better spent on making more shows with former members of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour then to pick up it up and revive My Name Is Earl, because you know, thats exactly what people want on their tv screens, Bill Engvall's “sitcom” because there is nothing funnier then a man in his 40s dealing with a wife and kids, I mean thats totally groundbreaking stuff right there. Who needs a show about a screwed up former criminal and his brother going straight and doing good, and changing everyone around them in the process and all the hilarity there in, when infact, you can watch a show about a guy trying to not tell his wife he hates her new dress. I mean yeah the hilarity is just endless there. So yeah, screw you NBC, screw you TBS, and screw you whoever thought a second movie about high voiced chipmunks that haven't been relevant to either pop culture or kids programing sense the mid 1980s was a good idea after the first one tanked horribly after the first two weeks in theaters. Y'all need your heads checked.

So in TV news, the ABC remake of the cult classic series V premiered recently to insanely impressive ratings, like we're talking over 14 Million viewers, thats like up in Lost and American Idol territory. Now, I admit, I enjoyed the pilot episode, I feel its a lot better then the original version of the series which was seriously large on the cheese and kind of vague on the plot and character development. I do however feel the pilot was hacked up, we were originally promised a 2 hour “premere event” for this gutsy relaunch of V, but instead we got an hour that was vague and kind of confusing, full of big budget F/X and Anna the hot alien leader doing hot alien leader things, but very little character development, and well, I understand the whole point was to drop you into the early morning of everyone and give you that everything is completely tossed out of control thing, but it still feels hacked up, as if there is only about 90 seconds of character introduction development per character, before the aliens show up and stuff gets focused on that, how are we supposed to get to know, and identify with each character if all we have to go on is about 90 seconds of backstory which really is only enough to tell us their name and what they do for a living. We have no time to learn or care about these people before they're tossed dead center into the whole downtown New York City landing of the V's command ship, plus the pilot seems to only focus on two characters and who they interact with, with the larger cast getting less screen time and focus, so that if you are late getting back from an add break, you've missed that one small critical moment of plot for someone other then the priest of the FBI Agent that you are completely lost on what everyone else is doing. This is why I get the feeling that the show was hack and slash edited down from the two hour pilot we were promised at the upfronts in May into an hour long pilot to make room for Dancing With The Former And Never Really Stars Results Show, which you know, totally couldn't have been moved back one night just for this, or instead of hacking it into one hour, they could have split it into two episodes, make it a two week event, which would have made a lot more sense then the butchered job we did get. Don't get me wrong the pilot to V, and so far the second episode which is all thats aired to date, are very good, they are miles ahead of the original program, I just think the pilot could have actually been a lot better then it was had they not more then likely edited it down for “time and placement on the schedule” or whatever other bogus stuff they will blame it on if anyone ever calls them on it. Also, I don't understand why they aren't using the same tag line media blitz idea that Heroes uses, remember at the start of Heroes, like, everyone was saying “Save The Cheerleader...... save the world..” Ok well not everyone but you know, the cool kids where, and that tag line really got itself absorbed into pop culture, so much so that I still know people today that use it, but with V, they could market it with the tagline like this “V: Trust No One” because they repeat that line about as much as heroes did the cheerleader line, honestly it would be awesome from a public relations standpoint...

In more Television news, it seems that FOX has finally pulled the trigger on Dollhouse, the series that had all the potential to be a cult hit, but just never was given the proper chance to do so, it seems the constant jumping around of time slots and under promotion and never really being welcomed into the fox line up, it just goes to show you the same thing I spoke about with Reaper, and so many other shows like that, if you don't know how to promote a series, don't air it. If you are a big network, with many secondary networks on cable and satellite, give it to one of them, most of the secondary cable and sat channels are pretty much tailor made for completely diverse programing of that nature, case in point, its how excellent shows like “Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia” and “Sons Of Anarchy” an be on the same network and not really be much of a clash in style and content, and also cable and sat networks don't feel the same need to do “theme” nights, they'll lead into a drama with a comedy, they don't really care, as long as the show is giving them ratings, plus think about it, a lot of times, opposites or mismatches equal ratings because people remember how contrasting they are, like, back in its heyday, ER being the final note on a night of comedy for example, people remembered when it was on, but the shows it was matched up with, and how they do not at all go together, it works, like marketing gold, it really does. Ofcourse as anyone in television will tell you also, the Friday night time slots are dead air for the most part on network television, the same as Saturday night too, so putting Dollhouse on Fridays was kind of a death sentence from the start. Shame though, the series had a lot of potential to be good, sort of like those episodes of The Flintstones where Fred would get knocked on the head and become someone else for an episode and do fantastic things, that he didn't even know he could do, till he got hit on the head again, then he'd go back to being Fred, Dollhouse was kind of like that, except instead of Fred, it was a hot chick who wore a lot of pleather pants and tight fitting shirts, and sometimes the incredible Ray Wise would show up, because, you know, the devil has to be somewhere when he's not bothering Sam, Ben, Sock, Andi and their colorful bunch of misfits and malcontents. Man, The Flintstones would have been awesome if Ray Wise was on there, just think about it, animated Ray Wise as the devil, Fred and Barney having to reap escaped souls because Fred sold his soul to get a promotion at work, or for a pack of winston cigarettes or welch's grape juice, and bring them back to the Gruesomes, who would then use their portal to hell to send the souls back, that woulda been so great, and also totally would have explained The Great Gazoo episodes too, plus, it would have given an explanation of what happened to The Gruesomes after that season they were in EVERY episode, then everyone forgot they existed till The Laff-A-Lympics when they needed afew people to fill out The Really Rottens.. Yeah, man Ray Wise makes everything better, someone needs to pass a law about that, make it official you know? And also make it a law he must always play the Devil in everything, kind of like how Pat Morita played the wise old Asian in everything until he died...

In other canceled TV news, ABC has killed both unfunny Kelsey Grammar starring “Hank” which really wasn't that hard to figure out after they got bumped to air a Charlie Brown Halloween Special that had aired the night before as well, the show wasn't funny by any means and really shouldn't have made it past low testing pilot stage. And the quirky and should have been given a better chance to develop Eastwick, a modernized episodic telling of The Witches Of Eastwick, the long time cult film that some drunk guy felt Cher needed an Oscar for, but totally didn't get. Which really is a shame because Eastwick was a pretty good series had they just let it grow. Just another victim of television in a profit driven post economic downturn America, if you don't produce, you're gone, unless you're on CW or FOX, then they just keep you around and cancel a good show instead. Also it seems NBC is swinging the ax as well, canceling new series Trauma, and in a bizzar event, canceling both the second season of the moderately watchable Southland before its second season gets to even air, as well as changing the series “Day One” from a series to a two night, four hour “event” in the vain of the much revered NBC miniseries/events of days long past, its odd, NBC is chopping shows before they ever even air, they're last in the ratings, they're yelling at Conan O'Brian for not “bringing up the ratings” on the tonight show, and yet, they still haven't put the ax to Jay Leno's new show, which is basically The Tonight Show, but earlier, which infact is getting them LOTS of heat from critics, viewers, and comedians who Jay's stolen bits from, infact Howard Stern recently mentioned on air, and then put up video going back atleast 10 years on his website of a traditional pre-football season segment he does every year with football legend turned play by play analyst, Terri Bradshaw and a chicken, as well as footage from a recent episode of The Jay Leno Show, which did the exact same bit, and acted as if it was theirs, and yet despite all of this heat, they have still yet to cancel this horrible attempt at clinging onto the spotlight for just abit longer, I don't get it, I really don't. NBC is hurting in the ratings and yet the one show they choose to keep the faith with is Leno? Ok you know what, thats retarded, seriously it is, people are scared of who's getting cut next and that some good quality series are gonna get the ax, but yet, Leno gets to continue to stink up our airwaves with his rip off humor and stale jokes, seriously? Jay Leno is the Garfield of late night talkshow hosts, and honestly, its time someone puts him to sleep, cuz its sad as hell watching him limp the gate like a horse with a broken leg that still wants to race, its just sad. Not to mention the fact the reason Conan O'Brian isn't doing as well as the network wanted, is simply because Jay is stealing ratings from him, think about it, who's gonna wanna stay up and watch the tonight show monolog when you can get your jokes about the day and people in the news a full 90 minutes earlier? Doesn't make you seem like you wanna stay up that late at night just to get it all over again does it? Yeah, thats what I thought. Jay Leno is a cancer and he should be treated as such, by which I mean blasted with radiation till he shrivels and dies, then cut out and tossed in a medical waist bin.

Ok so lets see afew things to wrap up here...

I'm seriously laughing myself silly at Disney right now, their version of A Christmas Carol is tanking heavy at the box office, it just shows to show you what I've been saying for years, outside of Pixar, and I guess now Marvel Studios, that Disney, as a company is dead. Their Television, Movie, and other divisions are a complete mess. They can't get a movie outside of Pixar and I guess now with recently bought Marvel Comics, their film branch Marvel Studios, to preform at the box office, and with their merchandise division seeming to only be able to sell anything with the words “Hanna” and “Montana” on them, and their TV Division outside of ABC and ABC Family seeming to be nothing but almost constant dreck and horribly written and acted shlock, its really no wonder that this is happening honestly. They turned their back on the things that made them Disney, and in true arrogance or a company “too big to fail” have become the equivelant of a blue whale thats beached itself on a shoreline for no real reason or understanding. They became a victom of their own greed and lack of paying attention to their product, and sadly, I do fear for the company that was once the be all and end all of family entertainment and imagination. Its a shame really, at its prime disney was one of the greatest companies in the world, but now, with mismanagement and lack of listening to their fans, they've become nothing more then just a shell, people said that Micheal Eisner was to blame for disney's decline, now we're starting to see that in truth, it was a job pulled off by the whole board of directors, not just one man, the last of Walt's living children needs to step in and say something, because at this rate, things will be too far gone to fix at any time in the near future. Oh and also, if you all over at Disney could do something new with the muppets, that'd mighty fine. Mighty fine indeed.

Well thats it for this week, don't forget, next up is gonna be the big year end best and worst edition, so y'all best check yourself before you wreck yourself on that... but for now, I shall leave you with afew final things to ponder, as in traditional of me....

Ready? Alright then, lets dive right in...

Rest in Peace MGM Studios, you will be missed. I still do not “get” Lady GaGa, or why she appeared on Gossip Girl, but yet, I also can't figure out why I can't stop watching Gossip Girl, so I guess that evens out. I'm seriously loving FOX's campaign for Fringe where they have “Observers” appearing randomly in their shows, live sporting events, and randomly walking around various big cities is totally brilliant. That British sci fi series “Misfits” debuting with less then 500,000 viewers is a total joke. I really wish someone would kill all of the members of the Lohan family, they all seem crazy and kind of in need of some killing. I still hate Charlotte Church with the fire of a thousand suns. Sarah Jessica Parker's face looks like a giant foot. Anyone else find it funny just how fast Gwen Stefani went from superstar/fashion plate/musical genius, to fallen off the face of the earth has been celebrity? And if you have noticed, do you laugh as loud as I do about it? Am I the only one that doesn't really care that Rosie O'Donald and the poor lesbian paid to keep the shedragon company split, and more so am I the only one confused that people are making a deal about her dating some new poor ugly lesbian now? Honestly who still cares about Rosie O'Donald? The house used as The Cullen estate in both Twilight and Twilight: New Moon is up for sale, that means for 3.3 million dollars, not only can you live in what is the mecha for socially akward tween girls who dream of Ed Cullen buying them a pony and taking them to the prom cuz he's so sickly, err... wait, I mean, dreamy, but also, you can live in a house where a fictional sparkley emopire and his fictional sparkley emopire family lived, ZOMG XD!!! that sounds so … super expensive for a house with such a lame claim to fame which will be forgotten thankfully in afew years time. I think Ballonboy's family, The Goslins, and Octomom and her brood should all be sent to an island together where they need to depend on each other to survive for one whole year, and that we could all film it with like robots and junk, we can call the show “Test Your Nuclear Bomb Targeting Systems, Here..” it'll totally be a hit, as in hit with a bomb. The idea of Sting taking pot shots at Simon Cowell and his British series X-Factor is hilarious to me, mostly because I find Sting pretentious and pompous and I find Cowell boring at times, but bluntly honest at others, and the fact they're kinda going back and forth over something thats so silly like the fact Sting isn't famous enough to appear on the show is just so amusing to me. Bah Weep Grana Weep Ninny Bung. The Cleveland Show, not as bad as I figured, but not as funny as I'd hoped. I bet no one is gonna get my Abbazabba reference I made earlier, but then again, I don't know if they still make them either. And finally, The modern remake of The Prisoner, kind of a let down, I'd sit there and listen to Ian McCullen read the phonebook, but this is kind of a let down...

Also one last note... Rest In Peace Ken Ober, one of the coolest men ever, Ken was a comedian who most only know from his early days as the host of the very first non-music program on MTV, the television trivia game show Remote Control, which was noted for starting the careers of boston area comedians Colin Quinn, Dennis Leary, and Adam Sandler. Ken was a great guy who was always willing to go that extra mile or two for his friends and causes he believed in, he knew that he'd never be as famous as his fellow friends from Boston he brought to the spotlight with him, but he didn't care, he was just glad to do what he could for as long as he could. He died of a heart attack at the age of 52, its always a shame when the nice ones die.

Well thats it for now, don't forget, next up is the year end best and worst, so that'll be skads of fun... whatever a skad is.. So until then, I wish you all great luck clean heath and ofcourse, the joy that comes from putting a boot in hollywood's cornshute.

Till then, Blessid Be...


Sunday, November 15, 2009

Torrent Picks 11/15/09

Well its that time again for me to give you all 5 movies that hopefully will broaden your horizens abit more then they have been, or maybe allow you to discover a new favorite or whatever, anyway here we go...

i should warn you all, i'm feeling my roots this week, so this is gonna be complete Grindhouse all the way... now lets jump...

Lady Snowblood: A woman seeks the revenge that was her birthright in this action thriller from Japan. A gang of ruthless thieves break into the home of a rural couple, and after taking their valuables, they murder the husband and rape the wife once they've beaten her senseless. When the ravaged wife tracks down one of the thieves and attacks him, she is arrested by police; she was left pregnant by the rape, and gives birth to a daughter months later, dying shortly after delivery. The daughter, Yuki (Meiko Kaji), is raised by a priest who teaches her how to use a sword and trains her to show no mercy to the men who brutalized her family. When she turns 20, Yuki sets out to seek revenge, looking beautiful and tranquil on the outside but possessing a powerful taste for vengeance against those who wronged her and her mother. Lady Snowblood was written by Kazuo Koike, who also scripted several of the most memorable films in the Lone Wolf and Cub series. This is by far one of the greatest movie series of all time, this and its sequel are some of my favorites, as well as my second favorite set of films from the great and beautiful Meiko Kaji, which for me is ALWAYS a good choice.

Lady Snowblood 2; Love Song Of Vengeance: Kashima Yuki is now tired and on the run from authorities following her recent assassinations of 37 people. After becoming surrounded by the law, rather than fight, she submits to whatever fate awaits her. Being quickly tried and sentenced to death by hanging, she is suddenly rescued by the mysterious Kikui Seishiro, head of Secret Police. Once inside his remote and opulent headquarters, he propositions Kashima to once again take up her sword and secretly assassinate an "enemy of the State", the political anarchist Tokunaga Ransui. Rasui is in possession of a critical document which Kikui seems quite obsessed with, deeming it highly dangerous to the stability of the government. If Kashima can obtain and deliver the document to Kikui, he will grant her immunity from her charges. Kashima is soon able to infiltrate Ransui's home posing as a geisha, and sets about looking for the document. But the more she observes Ransui, the more she questions the path Kikui has put her on. When Ransui confides in Yuki, knowing full well who she is, asking her to deliver the document to his brother Shusuke, Kashima will be forced to decide her allegiance. This is the brilliant and beautiful finale to the series, i just love it ever so much, and find it a perfect way to end this violent but tragically beautiful series, so very powerful, and as i stated before the great Meiko Kaji is incredible.

Kids: Larry Clark's 1995 masterpiece, Kids, is about a group of teens in New York City. An unknowingly HIV positive kid, Telley, sets out to deflower two virgins in one day, while an ex-girlfriend discovers she has HIV and attempts to find Telley before he gets anyone else sick. The film takes place over the span of one day, in which the kids are shown living as they normally would live (with the exception of the girl who is trying to find Telley). They act like adults, but are incredibly immature. This movie is disturbing and controversial, yet enjoyable. The wonderful soundtrack was compiled by Lou Barlow. This is one of those movies that you get so shocked and so unsettled by that you just have to keep watching it till its end, its just so blunt and in your face with its message and style that you literally run the gambit of emotions and responses the entire way through this film, all the way to the very dark and very strange ending. The best part honestly is the open ended ending of the film, where you are left wondering whats happened, its just so darkly beautiful that if you haven't seen this film, even though at times its hard to stomach, you are honestly missing out on alot.

Gone In 60 Seconds: This is the 1974 carsploitation classic that features fast as hell and beautiful muscle cars in their prime, and hard as nails mustacheo'd 1970s types. This is by far one of the greatest of the era of car movies or carsploitation as its called in Grindhouse. here is the plot: Insurance investigator Maindrian Pace and his team lead double-lives as unstoppable car thieves. When a South American drug lord pays Pace to steal 48 cars for him, all but one, a 1973 Ford Mustang, are in the bag. As Pace prepares to rip-off the fastback, codenamed "Eleanor", in Long Beach, he is unaware that his boss has tipped off the police after a business dispute. Detectives are waiting and pursue Pace through five cities as he desperately tries to get away. Now ofcourse this film is more about the cars then it is about the actual story, but thats what you expect from this sort of film, people didn't go to see the plot, they went to see every beautiful big of automobile showing off up on screen, its like a big night in a big empty parking lot and all the local car guys are showing off their cars. Its just got the perfect feel of the whole musicle car culture and how it became, and still is a part of pop culture the world over. Just an awesome film.

Orca The Killer Whale: Ok first off, I'm sorry for the mp4 format, apparently no one on the internet loves this film the way that i do, which is pretty sad, but anyway that side, here is the plot; After Captain Nolan (Richard Harris) attends a seminar, hosted by biologist Rachel Bedford (Charlotte Rampling), he decides to capture a live killer whale and sell it for profit. Little does he know, the orca he captures is female and pregnant, giving birth while being hauled from the depths of the sea. The female orca’s mate is nearby and witnesses the death of his mate and offspring. This sends the male orca into a blind rage and Bedford comments on the whale’s need for revenge, comparing it to a human’s need to avenge a loss. Nolan sympathizes with the orca and vows not to go after it. The orca stalks Nolan and his crew, picking them off one by one. The orca will stop at nothing to destroy Nolan and his boat, causing the local fishing community to urge Nolan to fight the orca. Eventually, orca lures Captain Nolan out to sea, where he and Nolan face off in the icy north. Who will come out on top in this epic tale of revenge? Ok this right here is honestly one of my favorite grindhouse films EVER, its funny when it shouldn't be funny, its ofcourse a blatant rip on Jaws, but its also kind of a better movie then Jaws, its more camp fun, and it always leads to the debate between the two characters over who's the better killing machine, which is always fun. its not the greatest film of all time, but ofcourse with Grindhouse you don't expect that to be, you just want that nice hilarious by today's standards trash fun and dark and spooky and this film totally brings those and more in droves. If nothing else this one'll entertain you for the camp.. or watching Bo Derek when she was seen as the hottest woman alive get her leg bit off.. taking her from a 10, to an eight and a half... And yes, if you get the true meaning of that joke, you totally get a gold star..

Well thats it for this week, I hope you enjoyed our little dive into the deepend of Grindhouse, and have fun getting all caught up in the awesome but retro feel of it all....



Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Trico Films

As alot of you know, I love indie films, I find its a market that though many major studios have gotten involved in, there are so many involved in it, that big studios will never ruin it, in a sense, Indie Film the last unsoiled land in the world of film given that there will always be unknown film makers and unknown actors making movies all the time, there will never be a shortage and as long as you know where to go, you will never run out of things to see, its like letting a kid loose in a candy shop, then waiting for the sugar to all kick in...

With that said, I would like to share with you all a link to a film company called Trico Films, which is owned by a friend of mine's brothers (if I remember correctly), they do some incredible work, if you look around the site, you can see they have their movies they've made streeming, its some brilliant work, with writing and directing being done in house, thus keeping the product as pure and untainted by big boardroom hands as possible, which really is important in artistic representation.

I would recommend you start with the film that my friend who's related to them linked me too when introducing their work to me, "Through A Dark Wood", a brilliant little tale about a young man who can see images of the underworld and sets about saving not only his own soul, but the souls of those around him too, no matter what the cost is. Its a complete 180 degree turn around from their short films they made before this one, which btw, both are also very good and worth giving a look even if you don't like short form films.

Anyway, enough buttering them up, here is the link to their website Trico Films give it a look, you should be rather surprised, after all i was. Oh and long live indie film...



Sunday, November 8, 2009

Torrent Picks 11/08/09

So its that time of the week again, time for me to put together a list of a few movies I feel are worth everyone giving a look too, if for nothing else but to give you an excuse to waist two hours out of your day...

all set? here we go...

All My Friends Are Leaving Brisbane: here is the plot; Anthea is undergoing a crisis of confidence: overworked, no boyfriend, struggling to find goals - and all her friends are leaving Brisbane. She is tempted to leave herself, but is opposed by her long time best platonic male friend Michael. Michael thinks people who leave Brisbane are copycats who follow the crowd; he is quite happy to stay in Brisbane, he is in a stable job and a stable very low-maintenance sex-with-the-ex relationship with his ex-girlfriend, Stephanie. He is in a rut. Anthea's temptation to leave Brisbane increases with the impending departure of her flatmate Kath. However she then hears that an ex-boyfriend of hers Jake is coming back to Brisbane to live. To Michael's annoyance, she dreams of a great future with him. Michael is thrown out of his comfort zone by starting a new relationship with a girl he meets at work, Simone. Slightly "alternate" and good natured, Simone is totally different from the sorts of girls he normally deals with, and he finds himself in a relationship over which he does not have total control. On her last day in Australia, Anthea and Michael finally resolve their feelings for each other. The film is cute, kind of the aussie take on a "feel good" movie, its nothing that'll change your life, but it should be worth giving a watch if nothing else then a laugh, or to see how other countries do comedy of this sort.

An American Haunting: This film is loosely based on the true story of the Bell Witch in Tennessee. According to the legend, a family was terrorized by a demonic presence called the "Bell Witch" between 1817 and 1921. The film, American Haunting, presents the story in such a way that audiences have a chance to glimpse both what the family experienced, and the cause of the haunting itself. The latter statement is more fictional than the former. The movie, starring Donald Sutherland and Sissy Spacek as the troubled Bell parents, takes viewers from the present day to the 1800’s based on the current family now inhabiting the infamous Bell House. this film is great in the fact its both scary, and incredibly well made, as well as the fact the Bell Witch is also who The Blair Witch is based on, which adds a nice neat little extra level to it all.

Gone Baby Gone: here is the plot; Patrick Kenzie (Casey Affleck) and Angie Gennaro (Michelle Monaghan) are private investigators who specialize in finding missing people. Usually, these are people who have willingly made themselves disappear, but when four-year-old Amanda McCready goes missing, the two are hired to help the police find her. Amanda seems to have vanished into thin air. Her aunt (Amy Madigan) and uncle (Titus Welliver) are desperate to find her. As the investigators use their knowledge of the neighborhood and its inhabitants to unravel the case, they discover a tangled web. Three police detectives (Morgan Freeman, Ed Harris, John Ashton) seem to be helping them. The girl’s mother (Amy Ryan) is involved with one of the neighborhood’s drug dealers. And, a pedophile has recently been released from prison in the area. Patrick and Angie must wade through mountains of misinformation to find the missing child. Will they be in time? And, will their personal relationship survive the tough choices they will have to make? I'm not really big on police movies most of the time, but i found this one engaging and rather good, and i hope maybe you will find it the same.

Hannibal Rising: Beginning in 1941 at Lecter Castle in Lithuania, the eight-year-old Hannibal Lecter’s (Aaron Thomas) life is thrown into turmoil by World War Two. Lecter, his sister Mischa (Helena Lia Tachovska), and his parents flee from the Nazis to the family’s hunting lodge deep in the forests of Lithuania. As a final destructive act of the war, the Nazis destroy a Soviet tank that was near the Lecters’, the explosion kills everyone but Hannibal, and his sister Mischa. The two children live in isolation until seven Nazi collaborators discover them while searching for food. Then further horrors ensue. Hannibal blacks out and then wanders about as a mute, until he is picked up by a Soviet tank that takes him home to Lecter Castle, now an orphanage. Two years later his uncle, from France, comes to Lithuania to take in Hannibal. Hannibal begins his studies at this point and his remarkably successful. He also begins his murderous habits, mainly focused around hunting the Nazi collaborators from his youth in Lithuania. Hannibal is caught by the police, but freed because of support for his revenge and a lack of evidence. Hannibal then leaves Europe for America to pursue his medical education. This is the great backstory to the great Hannibal Lector, one of the greatest movie villains of all time, and though i felt it odd it be released years after any of the other films based on him, i still found it rather engaging and brilliant.. I hope you do as well.

Six-String Samurai: Six-String Samurai is set in an alternate history America, in which Russia launched several nuclear warheads at the U.S. in 1957, reducing most of the United States to an inhospitable desert. The government has entirely collapsed save for the Kingdom of Elvis, who rules from "Lost Vegas" to California. The Red Army is besieging Vegas, but the lack of supplies and equipment ("We haven't had bullets since 1957," comments a Russian general in the movie) from the Soviet Union has caused them to degenerate into just another gang squabbling for territory. As the movie begins, Elvis has died and a radio disc jockey (voiced by Keith Mortimer and sounding suspiciously like Wolfman Jack) announces a call for all musical virtuosos to come to Lost Vegas to try to become the new King of Rock'n'Roll. Buddy (Jeffrey Falcon), a Buddy Holly look-alike with a katana taped to the back of his guitar, is one of the musicians converging on Lost Vegas on the death of The King. Early in his travels, he finds himself obliged to take care of a kid, simply called "Kid" (Justin McGuire). While Buddy resents having to look after the Kid, the Kid turns out to prove his worth in a few key situations. Buddy comes across many people in his travels, ranging from a zombie-like, cannibal suburban family to the 'windmill people' who are dressed like astronauts, to the filthy tribals that make up most of the civilian population. He also combats many foes, including a samurai, a bowling team of bounty-hunters, a Russian surf band (played by the Red Elvises), and the Russian army laying siege to Lost Vegas. Throughout his journey, Buddy is stalked by his greatest foe: a sinister Slash look-alike who might be the personified Grim Reaper, and his grungy group of guitarists/archers; the goal of "Death" is the elimination of all King-wannabe rivals and the conquest of Vegas (this being allegorical to the actual motive, that of removing rock'n'roll music from society and replacing it with the sound of heavy metal). This is one of those films that I just can't stop raving about, sure its low budget, sure its a silly plot full of goofball oddity played off serious, but thats the joy of it all, the truest from of what Grindhouse is, and also what surrealest humor is all about all at the same time, its just so great of a film, that even though its a b movie, you just have to see it because its so brilliant.

So thats it for this week, i hope you enjoy, these as much as i have enjoyed picking them out for you..



Friday, November 6, 2009

Quentin Tarantino's Top 20 Grindhouse Films

Found this on the net, figured i'd post it...

Quentin Tarantino's Top 20 Grindhouse Films

  1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
  2. Dawn of the Dead
  3. Night of the Living Dead
  4. Halloween
  5. Coffy
  6. Rolling Thunder
  7. Five Fingers of Death
  8. The Mack
  9. The Girl From Starship Venus
  10. The Last House On The Left
  11. Master of the Flying Guillotine
  12. Wipeout
  13. The Streetfighter movies ("You just have to kinda consider all three of them together." - QT)
  14. The Psychic
  15. The Lady in Red
  16. Thriller: A Cruel Picture
  17. Suspiria
  18. Hammer of the Gods
  19. The Savage Seven
  20. The Pom Pom Girls
Hmm.. I don't know, I do agree with some of these, but not all honestly,  Im surprised afew are missing, Doleomite, Enter The Dragon and Shaft given how influential those films were and their place in pop culture. I'm surprised And Soon The Darkness isn't there, nor is The Klansman, or the Female Prisoner Scorpion films, or even The Pyx, which is very under rated, sure its not worthy of #1, but it should rank somewhere in the teens. I also don't agree with Last House or Thriller being so low on the list, and really? no Baby Love? Honestly? I would have figured that would be right up The Q's alley... very suprising indeed.

Anyway, thats my thoughts, what are yours?



Sunday, November 1, 2009

Torrent Picks 11/1/09

Well its that time of the week again, time for me to give you all just a short list of films that hopefully you all will enjoy, or atleast give a look at, and maybe come to understand why they are so beloved, or atleast not feel like you waisted 2 hours of your day watching, which really seems to be about the best anyone can ask for when dealing with a movie these days...

anyway, lets get right into it shall we?

21 Grams: "21 Grams" is shown in a series of out-of-order scenes. Cristina Peck (Naomi Watts) is devastated when her husband and two daughters are killed after being hit by a car. She begins using cocaine and struggles to get her life in order. Later, she learns that her husband's heart has been donated to Paul Rivers (Sean Penn). She meets Paul and begins a relationship with him. At the same time, she becomes obsessed with getting revenge on the man who killed her family, Jack Jordan (Benicio Del Toro), a Jesus freak and ex-convict. Jack is overwhelmed with guilt; he was never legally punished for the crime, which his wife helped him hide. now I'll be the first to admit, the film is slightly draggy and confusing at times, but it all comes together in the end, and I think thats about as much as you can get from this kind of story, sure its powerful and poignant and all those things a major dramatic work should be, but the downside is, like most epics, it can be seen as boring by many after one viewing. But i think thats alot of its charm honestly, its a film you only need to see once and you will forever know just how powerful it was, and the story will be sketched in your mind for years to come.

All About Eve: At first Margo Channing (Bette Davis) is amused at the admiration of her fan Eve Harrington (Anne Baxter), but enjoying the attention, hires her as her personal assistant. Margo is a great stage actress and her success blinds her to the fact that Eve us using Margo to advance her own career dreams to become an actress, too. Eve first makes plans for Margo's personal engagements, but always makes herself look like the one who was thoughtful and kind. By winning over Margo's friends, they dismiss Margo's concerns that Eve is up trying to undermine her. Then, Eve works on Margo's professional life, showing manager, directors and playwrights that she is very sharp and a quick study. By the time Margo is trying to get Eve out of her life, she is hired as her understudy for the most important part in a play she has ever had. Now the competition is on to see who is the greater actress and who will fail. This is one of those massively old school hollywood films that you hear about all your time studying film, and then you watch it and you see that it truly is one of those perfect films, where the casting is perfect, the acting is so perfect, the direction, the lighting, the cinematics, all of it the whole thing is just perfect, one of those things that makes you yearn for the old days of Hollywood, where they knew how to make a film, but with out all the closed door sex for roles and fame and all the murder and other creepy stuff.

Creature From The Black Lagoon: “Creature from the Black Lagoon” is a classic black and white film about a group of Archaeologists; Richard Carlson (David Reed), Kay Lawrence (Julia Adams), Mark Williams (Richard Denning) and Dr. Thompson (Whit Bissell) four who are traveling down along the Amazon River. When they stop to rest for the night, a mysterious sea creature rises from the ancient black lagoon. This Gill-Man (Ben Chapman) tries to defend it’s territory. The scientist fend off the creature but it returns the next night and kidnaps Kay whom it has grown a savage attraction too and carries her off into the swamp. Now it’s up to the archaeological team to find her and kill the creature. This is one of the very first films that drew me to The Grindhouse in the first place, I remember my childhood watching the old Creature Double Feature weekend movies on Boston's WLVI back in the day, this was one of the very first movies in this field I had ever seen, so as you can guess, its got alot of special meaning to me in that respect. And sure I know its bad, but as I've said so many times, and hope if nothing else, you all can learn to love a movie for how bad it is, as well as how good it is.

Fire In The Sky: The story starts in the woods in the town Snowflake, Arizona. A group of men working as loggers in the woods worked for the Government to clear the bush. On November 5th, 1975, something weird and unbelievable happens. After the day's works were over, the loggers were driving back home and suddenly an UFO appeared in front of their vehicles and kidnapped one of those loggers, Travis Walton(D. B. Sweeney). The appalled workers went back to the town and explained everyone what happened. No one seemed to believe them and cops put the workers behind bars alleging the workers had killed Travis since he was not seen by anyone even once in the last 5 days. When Travis reappears, all that came to his mind was a terrible shock and everything that happened alarmed him when memories started coming back to his mind. This one of those films that is seen by many as a hidden gem even among cult movie goers and alien film lovers, its often forgotten and mostly only mentioned when someone tries to explain or debunk the actual case its based on, which these days doesn't happen much, its till a pretty compelling story regardless, even though the movie takes afew liberties that the actual case the the book written about it afterwards didn't do, but thats not really enough to be a bother to anyone, atleast i don't think it would be, its still a film most should atleast check out once.

Frankenstein: The story of a mad scientist who believes that he can play god by harnessing the very power of the heavens themselves, and how so many tell him he is insane for the very notion of the idea. To play god would be the invoke the wraith of the very being they wish to emulate. The doctor cares not for these warnings and protests, and decides to go through with his plan anyway, using recently dead body parts, he patchworks together a human body, which with the help of his disfigured, and possibly retarded assistant, he goes through with his experiment and actually brings his piecemeal human to life. Much to the rage of the local villagers who are of the lynching and burning things they don't understand variety, who felt that instead of understanding the wonder and marveling at the fact this one man has discovered that humans can infact do what god can do, or realizing the creature isn't even a monster so much as a miracle of creation, they like many villagers do, get their lynchmob on, and in the end, instead of embracing this creature, they fear and mistreat it. Ironically doing what many have always said would happen if we as a race ever got a "true gift from god" or discovered an alien race, we wouldn't admire it, we'd try to bash its head in. This movie is here, simply because I was recently talking with my friend Mike, an avid follower of the blog, and we were talking about how James Whale gets no respect, when he is infact every bit as good as DeMill or any of the other early hollywood directors, and that his masterworks shouldn't just be dismissed as early horrorwood work, because they truly are beautiful.

Anyway thats all for this week, hopefully you all will enjoy these as much as i enjoyed finding them for you all...