The Reality Shock:
The Illyad of Stupidity .... and a Carrie Prejean joke.
Welcome welcome welcome once again my friends to the never ending carnival of wonder and amazement beyond your wildest imaginations. Ok well that might be a bit of a stretch, but it was just such a good opening line that I just couldn't let it slip away once it popped into my head, and well, you long time readers know I've always had issues with the opening lines to this. But with all of that said, I would like to welcome you all back to my wonderful little column where I spout out wisdom, knowledge and gibberish that pertains to the world of entertainment as we know it. I know I do these less frequently now that I am no longer among the working, but that doesn't mean I still don't have the same friends and connections and insider info and whatnot that I had before. It just means I write about it less then normal, thats all. After all you can take away a microphone in which to speak, but you can't take away the words that are coming out of a person's mouth. Interesting side note, you also can't take whats inside a person's mind, well you can if you're Mentok The Mindtaker, but well, none of you are Mentok The Mindtaker, so deal with that harsh reality. And with all of that said, I'd like to once again welcome you to The Reality Shock, now sit back, get some crunch and munch, or some lime doritos or whatever it is you snack on, get a drink to with it, and relax as I take you on a magical mystery tour through the screwed up world that is hollywood...
And with that said, lets get down to business shall we? …. A'Room'A'Zoom'Zoom!!
First off, I'd like to tell you all I'm sorry for the delay in column, I actually took the summer off to do something wonderful, to actually reconnect with why I love my field so much, I spent the summer just being a regular fan of entertainment, I watched shitty movies and tv shows and didn't care that they were completely shit, I listened to a Lady Gaga album and didn't actually vomit or go beat up a transsexual trying to dress like Jem from Jem And The Holograms in a blinding rage, I listened to 15 seconds of a Justin Beiver song and didn't burst into flames, though to be fair, 15 was all I could take before I wanted to beat him up and then beat up whichever Jonas Brother he stole that dorky ass haircut from. I did all those things that I always make fun of others for doing, and as a whole, I had a lot of fun doing so. I had felt I had lost connection and contact with the fan inside of me, and that all that was left was the critic, and though thats good for a lot of things, sometimes you need to hard reboot the system and get back to the basic understanding of what it is that makes you love what you do so much, after all, when a love becomes a job, whats the point of doing it anymore? You gotta rekindle that magic, and oh did I ever! But I gotta tell you though, through out all of my adventures in just being a fan of the industry, through all of it, I still hate The Hangover, I still hate Two And A Half Men and The Big Bang Theory, Avatar is still just Smurrrrrrrrrrfs Innnnnnnnnn Spaaaaaaaaaaace, and Thriller is still the coolest video ever made, so I guess in the end, though I've gained some refreshed batteries and rediscovered my love of what I do, the fundimentals are still intact, and thats all that matters. Oh and for those that are wondering, Inception? Yeah best movie sense District 9, it was so different and visually stunning, that it almost makes you forget the stole the concept from an invention created by Gyro Gearloose from the cartoon Ducktales.
Also if you read Smurfs in Space with an echo effect to make it sound like the old skit Pigs In Space from The Muppet Show, you get 50 cool points in the Happy Days Board Game of life, you also get 25 points if you knew with out googling what the happy days board game is a reference too, and don't say the classic American television series Happy Days, I would never give away points that easy.
So the world's greatest parent Joe Jackson has been talking to the media again, because I guess thats all he can do sense he's not allowed to beat Micheal's kids and his own kids are so old they can beat him up now, and his wife can just leave him whenever she wants with all of the king of pop's money. This time the guy that beat Ike Turner for greatest husband of all time (haha get it? Beat? Hahaha I'm so horrible) is claiming that the media twisted everything he did when raising The Jackson Five and the rest of their showkids, he actually claims that spanking and beating Micheal and the rest of them is what kept them “out of gangs and off drugs”, I'm not exactly sure, you know, not being able to understand the inner workings of a mind as complex and grandiose as Joe Jackson's, but I'm pretty sure that beating kids that by the time they were between 7 and 15 were already internationally known recording stars isn't exactly what kept them out of gangs and off drugs. One would assume the fact that they were internationally known stars by the time they were between 7 to 15 or so and constantly being pimped out by their worthless excuse for a father so he could take all their money was a pretty good reason not to be involved in gangs or drugs. But then again, as I said, I don't ever really expect to understand the methods of Joe Jackson, I just wish for once the grim reaper would take someone that deserves to be taken from this world, someone like, you know, Joe Jackson. Crappy ineffective grim reaper, seriously how is it that people like him are able to live, and make money because they're still in the public eye, but yet Maila Nurmi, who seriously needed to be given the respect she more then deserved in life, was almost broke and taken from life to early, life is unfair. Very unfair, seriously, fuck Joe Jackson, fuck him with Roger Ebert's cancery dick right in the ass. Worthless oxygen thief.
When did Kelly Osborne get hot? I mean seriously... when did that happen, where was I when that was going down? Oh thats right I was busy listening to Meghan Tonjes, thats what I was doing. Either way good for Kelly, atleast one of the Osbornes isn't an embarrassment to the world any longer. Totally a shame just how far the rest of them have sunk though, really is, but I guess thats what happens when you go from being the prince of darkness to a catchphrase.
Speaking of people that need to shut up, Kanye West needs to stop talking, seriously, his myspace blogging wasn't bad enough but now he's set (I think) some kind of record for over 200 tweets on his new twitter account in less then three hours. And guess what? Every single one of them was of no real worth or value, just more of his insane rambling, you read for afew quotes? Ok here we go, Kanye on his life; "Remember in Anchor Man when Ron Burgandy cursed on air and the entire city turned on him? But this wasn't a joke. This was & is my real life." .. erm.. so, you're an alcoholic white dude from a Will Farrel movie that no one understands why its a cult film? Mmkay. How about a quote from Kayne on Taylor Swift and all that... mess... “"I wrote a song for Taylor Swift that's so beautiful and I want her to have it. If she won't take it then I'll perform it for her." .. ok so, you're gonna like, force her to do a song you wrote for her or you'll do it yourself? Kanye I'll mention the elephant in the room, you had “All Falls Down” and thats it, seriously choco-bro, just, seriously, he then follows that up with this nugget, “"When I woke up from the crazy nightmare I looked in the mirror and said GROW UP KANYE ... I take the responsibility for my actions … I am not a bad person. Even in that moment I was only trying to do good but people don't always need my help … Beyonce didn't need that. MTV didn't need that and Taylor and her family friends and fans definitely didn't want or need that..” which was followed up by a post saying “I'm sorry Taylor..”. .. Ok I guess I'll be the heavy again, what the hell you stupid twidiot, how exactly were you doing good by rushing on stage at the biggest music award show in the world and stealing the spotlight just to tell us all what you personally think? How is that doing good? Where is the good in that? Where? Show me cuz I can't see it Kanye, I can't see it at all, and you know what? No one else can either. You say you don't understand why people want you to die or why you are so hated, for god sake man, open your eyes and look at what you're saying and doing the world over, its your actions that are making people hate you. You put up this front that you're some intellectual rapper with deep thoughts and other Jack Handy like things, but yet you constantly act and do the opposite. For god sake man, you claimed you were just like Jesus Christ because of how you're persecuted in the media and by people, do you not see whats wrong with things like this? REALLY? The world doesn't hate you for the sake of hating you, they hate you because you're an idiot that does nothing but try and make everything in the world about him constantly. Take your own advice and grow up, and if when you disappear from the public eye, if you could take your BFF Chris Brown with you so he can learn not to beat women and then bitch that its their fault his record sales aren't doing so well that'd be a great thing too. K. Bye.
Attention Canada, I need the new season of Durham County to start as soon as possible, k thanks. Also, UK, while I'm at it, new Misfits ASAP, that'd be right lovely thanks.
Speaking of, the fall television season starts here in the states soon, as useual there are many new shows that will be fighting for your viewership, as well as returning older shows, most of which I still just don't get why they're on the air to begin with. There are some pretty good shows in the works, readers of my blog know I gave a very positive and very excited for more review to ABC's live action take on The Impossibles, “No Ordinary Family” even if the title does suck, and they were able to find a Kitty Pryde and Lockheed action figure, which I still can't friggin find for under 80 dollars. This new fall season is gonna be abit strange, there is some good, some really bad, some right in the middle, and some just to either side of the middle, its kind of a mixed bag more then in recent years, but I guess networks are abit more cut throat now with the economy going to shit and such, or they're all just waiting for the day when NBC goes off the air, which really wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact NBC owns two of the better Cable networks that seem to dominate the ratings, I'll never figure that out, how a network that sucks at sucking can have secondary networks that thrive in the ratings and original content.. its a mystery unto me.
Anyway abit about the fall season, for those who are interested; promising pilots that look like they could go on to greatness? No Ordinary Family, Raising Hope, Hellcats, and assuming it gets put on the schedule at all, The Cape, though with its large amount of pre-season hype for a show thats not even mentioned on the fall, winter or spring season charts, The Cape, along with the completely unneeded remake of The Rockford Files, might end up being this season's Babylon Fields, hyped and prepped by a network, only to never see the air. For those that aren't aware The Cape is basically the story of a cop that dresses up in a superhero suit to clear his reputation and fight crime outside the law. Sure its basically The Punisher, or for the more hip out there, Big Daddy from Kick Ass but with out the creepy and awesome sidekick of Hit Girl, but with out the mega ultra violence. As for the rest, Raising Hope is a promising little sitcom from the creator of the canceled way to soon My Name Is Earl. Its about a teenage kid that has an unknowing one night stand with a female that turns out to be a serial killer, who is then caught and sent to jail where she gives birth to a daughter, who is sent to live with her father, who is a complete screw up and decides to make his life better for his daughter. Its cute and heart warming and has Cloris Leachmen thinking the baby's a pet, its really pretty awesome. And Hellcats is kind of one of those so good you can't stop watching, but feel kinda dirty cuz its a tween aimed drama about high school and how hard it is to be a teenager, its kind of everything Gossip Girl stopped being, but you know, about cheerleaders. Look for the remake of Hawaii Five O to fail miserably as well as duel life drama Lone Star that will be good for the first few episodes, then you'll get sick of the father explaining the plot almost every single time he's on camera, it will get seriously old seriously fast, trust me on this one.
Anyone else wondering what the point of canceling Heroes was when there are atleast 5 superhero or super power themed programs on the fall line up or airing right now? I mean sure the Carnival was a giant flop of a storyline, but come on, why cancel something and replace it with 5 things that are kind of the same? This isn't Law And Order here... Speaking of Law And Order, what is the point of Law And Order UK? I mean don't you guys have like 4 or 5 other shows just like it or better over there? It was under my understanding and my viewership, that y'all could do better then that.
In other let down news; The American remake of the brilliant Aussie drama “Underbelly”; could it be that it will be about the taking down of fictional mafia style crime families in New York City simply because your average American is unaware of the crime family wars of Melbourne Australia that took place between 1994 and 2004 and that there simply is nothing as far as gangland wars that they can draw on as facts here in America, well outside of the 1930s and 1940s anyway, and thats just been done to death. Interesting note though, word is, a lot of major Hollywood names want in on the American remake, which they're tempting stars with the description of “Its The Untouchables meets The Boondock Saints and The Godfather all in one..”, lets hope that it actually lives up to that pitch, personally I'm gonna be pissed off if this falls apart, almost as pissed as I'll be if the american remake of Shameless falls flat, but thankfully, that doesn't look like it'll happen from what I'm reading. Fingers crossed yo... fingers crossed.
Is it a good sign when people are buzzing and trying to scoop each other on exclusives about movies that are only in the filming stage? This has become more and more common place these days and I kind of have to wonder if maybe we, the internet based fandoms, are starting to take advantage of the overly abundant high tech we cary with us every day, as well as the seemingly new “come watch how a movie gets made” policy of most hollywood films these days. I'm kind of on the fence on it honestly, one hand, it really shows how hard a lot of these people work in making films possible, and it does give us the fans awesome little snippets we can turn into massive free PR for a film up to a year before its released, but on the other hand, it often spoilers the hell out of a film as well, and though yes, 99% of those of us who view or discuss or whathaveyou on set photos and the like will still go and see a film regardless, for some I can see how it can be abit of a bother, even a downside that they hadn't thought of before, so its hard to say really what is right. I mention this because I've become abit sickened as of late with some of these recent “taken on the set” photos and videos, and how people are bitching and complaining about things with out even really giving them a chance. I understand the internet is full of doomsayers and the like, but good lord, either educate yourself on things like stunt doubles and production or shut your mouths, in a year when the films you're damning because you saw a stunt double in a stunt suit instead of the star, come out in the next year or so, you'll forget all about your doubting and be all “I knew it'd be a good film” and shit like that, its kind of sickening and makes me wish I wasn't such a geek.
In related to said bitching news, my friend Rose could play a better Emma Frost in X-Men: First Class than January Jones from Mad Men ever could, even though Emma wasn't a founding member of The X-Men and was born in the 1960s when the next horrible attempt at making an X-men film is set.
In other fanboy bitchery moments, the American remake of “Let The Right One In” now titled “Let Me In” is going to suck like Carrie Prejean trying to win a beauty pageant, its completely unneeded and does not seem to really have the same spirit as the Swedish version, which was just so perfect. Also in the world of soon to be shitty remakes, the American remake of the great brit series Being Human is going to be horrible, I mean the theme alone makes me wanna puke some sort of acid that'll dissolve it from this plane of existence.
You know what movie had an awesome soundtrack? Like more awesome then you'd expect it to have? Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls. Seriously, for a film that was written by that cancer on this earth that now has cancer, Roger Ebert, before he became the world's most douchey critic, the soundtrack is with out a doubt a hidden gem, its late 1960s drug culture rock at its best, like I'd almost say it rivals Tommy or Rocky Horror and the like in greatness. Seriously, seek it out , and try not to groove in some way to “Find It”, or any of the like 30 other tracks on the soundtrack. Brilliance, just pure and simple brilliance.
Anyone else wonder what the hell happened to that supposedly mindblowing remake of one of my personal favorite films “...And Soon The Darkness” that was getting insane respect last year at film festivals? It was supposed to hit american theaters and then dvd by this point in 2010, but yet, its not here. I'm curious and can't find a copy anywhere so I can see what they changed.
So its time for some of what I do best, yep, thats right my happy little Hanna Barbara drawn children that solve mysteries with the help of your talking dog / talking dune buggy / talking shark / genie / caveman / spirit of a revolutionary war hero / wisecracking robot / catchphrase spouting robotic dog / former president of the united states / inch high private eye, its that time again!!! Its time for some good old fashion Uwe Boll hate. Yes thats right, my nemesis in life, horrible German director and guy that beats up people that say his films suck dead mammal testicles Uwe Boll, is at it again, apparently he's upset that crapsterpeaces “Zombie Massacre” and “Bloodrayne 3: The Third Reich” are not even being touched by American distribution companies, claiming that not even direct to dvd outlets are willing to release them, he ofcourse claims that this is some how “character assassination” put forth by director of The Transformers and Impresario Of All Things Awesome(tm) Michael Bay, who Boll claims is secretly trying to ruin his career because he sees him as a threat, claiming such things as Bay has been ducking him sense declining Boll's boxing match offer over 18 months ago, and claiming that not only is Bay taunting him in interviews, but he's also slandering him to people of note and power in the film industry, and that its his way of trying to ruin Boll's career, Boll has claimed that his upcoming film Auschwitz because it will “make Bay's Transformers franchise look like a series of box office bombs” claiming that “that film series fanbase is so small and unknown that this film will make more then all three combined”.... yes he actually said this... Sigh alright kidlets, get your splatter gear on, Big Daddy's gonna go Gallagher on das watermelon.
First off Uwe, you ignorant pissbag, your movies aren't finding release companies because they suck at being films, seriously, you are delusional at best and egocentric to the point that I almost think its a mental illness if you honestly believe that anyone really cares about your attempt at ruining the Zombie Massacre video games by bringing them to film, or that you're continuing to ruin the bloodrayne franchise by making more films in it, the reason no one wants to release your stuff is simply that you just aren't that good, no you are worse then bad Boll, you're horrible, you are horrible at making movies, and at being a person, seriously, you beat up a guy outside of the red carpet premiere of Postal, which btw, was held at a seedy theater at the docks in Trenton New Jersey and no one of note actually went too, simply because he said your film about George Bush and Osama Bin Ladin saving the survivors of world war 3 was offensive, and you wonder why people don't want to put out your films? Really? REALLY? You insult Michael Bay all over the internet, on your website, on your vlog, and anywhere else that people will let you talk, simply because you are jealous. You're jealous because he's a complete jackass and people love him for it, but you're a complete jackass and people think you're the next Adolf Hitler. You know what the difference is? Its simple, Bay, though a jackass, makes films that range from moderate to amazing, and makes more money in a week then you make in a year, people don't care if a guy is an asshole if they make great stuff, look through history, some of the most noted people in pop culture are total jackasses but they made amazing things, and people still love them. You, well, you're just an asshole who makes really shitty movies that no one watches except maybe losers and that one misguided grindcore guy I know, but he doesn't count cuz he likes grindcore music. You are just jealous because you won't go down in history as “the greatest director of all time” like you claim, you'll go down in history as a joke. Boll, you are no Fritz Lang, or Cecil B. De Mill, or James Whale, or Alfred Hitchcock, or D. W Griffin, or Robert Altman, or Akira Kurosawa, you aren't even another Ed Wood, you're just a friggin joke that claims Bert Reynolds as a king of some sword and sorcery kingdom was a brilliant idea. Seriously, stop, just stop, for the good of your country, stop.
Wow I haven't hated on Uwe Boll in awhile, it felt good, real good. So good I might one day do like a list of reasons he sucks. Maybe this way he'll finally accept my offer to box him like he claims he does with critics. I stay true to my belief I could knock Das Pudgensnitzel out in one round, Rubin Carter style.
So this new movie Legend Of The Guardians, yeah I liked it better then first time it was made, when it was called The Secret of NYMH and was about mice, not owls. Seriously, owls? Unless its Charlie Owl from New Zoo Review and he's singing about the human reproductive process, I could really care less.
So there is another Saw film coming our way this year, and this time, it'll be in 3D! I have sort of grown luke warm on the Saw films to be honest, they were pretty good up until the last one, where they just have stretched the concept so far and so thin that its just starting to become unbelievable and almost painful to watch. Its kind of become a parody of itself, much like the massive slasher franchises of the 1980s, where after about 4 movies they'd run out of plot and just start embarrassing themselves. I understand the idea of making many follow up films in a series, the James Bond series has always been known for that, the Dirty Harry series and Star Trek as well (I don't count Star Wars because thats two seperate sets of three films 30 years or so apart), and there are many others too, but in the cases of slasher films, the many follow ups just don't work, see slasher movies are like porn movies, they cut right to the action and for 90 minutes or so, give you just the action and some horrible dialog, in a sense, instant gratification. And sure that can be great, a lot of these recent slashers turned thrillers have proven that, but Saw, well, Saw would be fine if they didn't kill off the main protagonist in the second or third film, you can't keep going copycats and the like forever, and if the lead is some undead killing machine, you can't just keep on bringing them back from the dead with out explanation, it just doesn't work. I'm really hoping that this is the final film in the series, not because they're bad films, so much as I just think the plot is run its course and needs to be ended. Leave it open ended so somewhere down the road someone could make another one somehow reworking the plot or something, but its time to rest, seven years with a new Saw movie every year is good enough for now.
Some oddity news, next summer should see the release of a hollywood version of the classic fairy tale Hansel And Gretel, but oh wait, its gonna be worse then you think! It shall not be the film of two fat children vandalizing home of an elderly old woman who lives alone in the woods and then cooking her, it shall be the story of these two children 15 years after they sadistically killed that poor misunderstood old lady, where they've become the best in the world at hunting and killing Witches, because apparently in the old world, any misunderstood old lady that lived alone in the woods away from town was seen as a witch for some reason or another. Meanwhile I'm just sitting here wondering what the hell the point of this is gonna be? Its just such a horrible idea, oh yeah lets make this creepy old world story about delinquent children who destroy the property of, and then torture and kill an old lady in a twistedly sadistic way, an old lady who just wants to cook them cookies, because she's lonely sense her kids and grandkids moved away because her daughter's husband got a job at a factory playing 20 red rupees more a week then the pitchfork factory in town. Damn, Hansel and Gretel are jackasses, for real yo.
So filming has started for what many people are saying will be the next Cloverfield, once again from directing mastermind J.J Abbrams, this time called “Super 8”, rumor has it, the title comes from the type of camera used to film the entire incident. Involving an alien that crashes to earth and runs amuck in a small west virginy town just destroying things, and its all seen through the lens of this Super 8 reel to reel home movie camera thats found after the incident, sort of Cloverfield style from what I hear. Though to be fair a lot of this could be wrong too, after all J.J likes to confuse the general population when it comes to his films and what they're about, you know, because he's awesome that way and likes his privacy. Whats funny too is, this, as you would expect, is bringing up all sorts of debate on if first person view films are really a good idea, and debates on if Cloverfield and films like it were really worth all the time it took to make them, and then it just goes worse from there. Its funny really how a concept could bring so much anger out of people when its really a good idea and a great concept that really brings you “into the film”, but I guess haters gonna hate.
Well thats about it for this installment, we're gonna be about half a page or so light this week because there just was so little real news this time out, I hate that. I really do. Anyway, time to end this with afew random shots like I always do...
Dancing With The Stars, yeah no thanks. No thanks. I've fallen in love with the music of Beth Hart all over again. I find it really funny that I was listening to Mira Craig and Aloan years ago, and now all of a sudden I'm starting to see them show up on lists of people that think they know their stuff about music, its pretty hilarious really. I am so damn sick of waiting for Durham County to start again, seriously Canada, get on that. I can't believe I almost went a week with out making fun of Uwe Boll. “No, Not That Kind Of Pudding!!”. The greatest word ever created was ofcourse “Pickleweazel”. I am really missing the hell out of The Trailer Park Boys these days, I know half the cast is gonna be back in a new mock reality show, but still I miss the hell out of that show... not so much Conky though. I seriously hate Big Brother, and wish they'd do an American version of Dead Set, but this time it be real zombies going to kill the housemates. Seriously if you haven't seen the film “Rock And Rule” you really gotta. New Fringe soon! Not so liking this idea for the new American Idol, but then, not so keen there is gonna be that an X-Factor: America airing at the same time. Kangaroo Jack was a horrible movie. I still hate Dudley Moore. Adult Swim stopped being funny a long time ago for the most part. I can't believe my friend Ashley had never heard of Tennessee Tuxedo until I facebooked a video of him the other day. I wanna create my own My Little Pony, it'll be black with purple and red highlights and be named Emomuffin, and it'll come with its own razor to cut itself and a notebook to write about how depressed it is.... And finally..... I never did see the final episode of Lost... and I'm somehow ok with that.
And with that, we bring to an end another edition of The Reality Shock, sorry for the big gap between installments, I shall work on that in the future, but until then, to all of you, Blessid Be.