Thursday, December 3, 2009

What I Have Learned From Movies Pt. 1

As I'm sure you're all aware, I have watched alot of movies in my lifetime, and as you would expect, I've learned a great deal from the myriad of film viewing I have done, some good, some bad, some completely strange, and I felt for the run of it, i would share with you all, some of the many nuggets of wisdom I have garnered, in hopes that maybe it can teach all of you somethings you didn't know, and thus, spreading my knowledge unto the world... So with out any more delay, here we go...

What I have Learned From A Lifetime Of Watching Movies Pt. 1:
The Ravings Of A Mind Raised On Cinema. 

1. If you travel back in time in a 1981 Delorean to get away from rocket launcher packing Libyans in a VW Bus, that negates the butterfly effect rule of time travel, and you can do anything, even take your mom's virginity and it doesn't effect anything.

2. Hitting mentally challenged bald men with lead pipes do not cause them any harm at all.

3. Growing mysterious venus flytrap looking plants that magically appear during total eclipse of the sun or thunderstorms always leads to trouble.

4. Every detective in the 1970s ended a case by sitting alone in a hot tub with 10 superfly 1970s style honeys, two of which will always have a giant afro, there is no exceptions to this rule.

5. Killer Whales are smart enough to understand the concepts of vengeance, revenge, and that if you take out the supports of a dock, you will kill more humans in less time.

6. If you drop toxic waist in their habitat, frogs will turn against humans and try and kill us all.

7. only the nerdy virgin and the uptight hot girl survive summer camp rampages, they then fall in love after having bonded over running for their lives as they left their friends to die at the hands of a hockey mask wearing mental case.

8. Snowmen have DNA

9. You can build a complicated computer powered time machine out of a steam powered locomotive using 1885 tech and parts.

10. Coco Cola fixes everything. EVERYTHING.

11. If you are stuck in a Zombie Epidemic, the strong, protective and kind member of your group will be the first one of you to fall to the zombie horde.

12. If a woman grows to 50 Feet tall, all she will want is sex

13. There are Teenagers on Uranus, and at any time, they will come to earth looking for hep cats and groovy chicks to teach them how to swing like they do on earth.

14. If a man gets turned into Raquel Welch, he must go completely insane, and forcefully rape a male doctor while laughing evilly.

15. Godzilla is both man's greatest line of defense, and its worst threat to life

16. The best way to deal with a high school bully is to bring a gun to school and start to slaughter his followers with out remorse or quarter.

17. Somewhere out in space, is a giant transforming planet that eats other planets and has a mouth that looks alot like an anus.

18. flying around a sun and slingshotting around the back of it at warp 9.9 will allow you to travel back in time to the very year and date you wanted with out any careful calibration or thought on the matter.

19. Greek gods have nothing better to do with their time then to come to earth and use their powers to help create roller discos 5 years after the roller disco craze ended.

20. Never piss off Mieko Kaji, she will kill you in very horrible ways.

21. Wizards are jerks.

22. David Bowie's package is the scariest thing known to creation.

23. If you haven't seen Dennis Hopper clearly drugged out of his mind, waving around two long chainsaws and screaming bible verses, then you haven't truly lived.

24. Apparently, Christopher Lee is Dracula

25. Every movie made before 1940 was about a prostitute or a mobster or a prostitute mobster.

26. Never, ever, under any circumstances, get off the boat.

27. The entire US Marine Corps is made up of clones of John Wayne, R. Lee Ermy and Steve McQueen.

28. The 1968 Ford Mustang Fastback has 14 hubcaps.

29. Patrick Stewart really is Professor Charles Xavier.

30. In 1980 summer camp trips consisted of the following activities; having teenage sex, drinking and then having teenage sex, getting high on pot then having teenage sex, drinking, getting high on pot and having teenage sex, running for your life from the large undead man with the machete who wants to kill you for no real reason other then to kill you, then having teenage sex. And if you were the nerdiest of the nerd kids, you ended up having teenage sex with either the hottest girl at camp, the hottest female councilor at camp, or both.

31. the only way to kill a zombie is to blast its motherf---ing head off.... baby.

32. Steve Martin is not funny.

33. Will Smith can play a convincing white man in Men in Black, but Nick Cage plays a horrible black man in World Trade Center.

34. Very unsettling things happened in british movie theaters in the late 1960s.

35. Apparently, Ray Leota can cast magic.

36. putting a banana in the tailpipe of a car will foil drug smugglers.

37. Every villain monologues just before the hero kicks their ass.

38. Rabbits live complicated lives.

39. If a robotic war mech is hit with lightening, it will gain self awareness and then discover a wise cracking sarcastic personality, which will then end Steve Gotenberg's career, what little there was of that to begin with.

40. if you're going to die in a gunfight, atleast look cool as you do it.

41. You can beat Dracula with the power of lucha libre style wrestling

well thats it for part one, i'll come up with more later... enjoy!



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