Thursday, July 29, 2010

The 30 Worst Films Of All Time Pt. 1

My 30 Worst Films of All Time:
Amazingly, I Did Not Just Copy Uwe Boll's IMDB Entry

I was recently talking to a friend, ok well he's more like the plucky young sidekick type then a friend, but not really all that plucky or sidekick like, anyway, we were talking about movies, and what could possibly be the worst films of all time. And after naming off afew, and sort of zoning out his attempts at googling to see what could be bad or not, I started to formulate my planned list, now you've all seen my 30 Best Movies, and my 30 Best Horror Movies lists, and I felt it was only right to share with you all, this, my list of the worst films ever made. Now, some are gonna be obvious, some won't, but thats how I roll you know? I like to keep it funky fly fresh and whatnot. Anyway, lets get down to this shall we?

The 30 Worst Films Of All Time:

30. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009):
For the life of me, I cannot understand why someone greenlit this film to be made in the first place. See, for those of you who don't know who Wolverine is, for the past 30+ years Wolverine has been the "go to guy" for Marvel Comics, he is, what many in the writing industry call a McGuffin (its a fancy term for plot device thats used as the center or focus of a story, or chapter of a story), if a character is new and they want to bring in readers to their book? Have them team up with Wolverine for an issue, if your book wants to boost sales for afew issues, do a story where Wolverine appears for afew issues, if you want your character to have a "dark mysterious past" its some how connected to Wolverine, you get the idea. Anyway, the idea of making a movie out of the history of arguably the most popular comic book character of all time seems on paper like a great idea right? Yeah well, you're wrong. See the problem is, Wolverine's story from youth to joining the X-Men would take a Lord Of The Rings style trilogy to actually properly do, thats if you wish to not piss the fans off or insult the comic book masses, and well, as anyone thats seen the Fox Studio made movies based on characters of Marvel Comics, you'll know thats exactly how they figured on doing it. Instead of telling a rich and detailed story of how James Howlett became Wolverine, and the sadness and tragedy their in, followed by a second film explaining the metal in his body and a third with all his military work and ending with him joining the X-Men, we got a half made up on the spot, the rest made up of random characters who's bio pages on wikipedia were skimmed over and not really read, who were then changed so much most of them didn't at all look or act like they're supposed too. This film was purely made with more input from Hugh Jackman, who admits that though he plays Wolverine, he's never so much as read more then parts of the wikipedia biography on him, but yet he felt he could "make the character work in his vision of how he's ment to be", instead of the input of Marvel Comics, or a writer who wrote him for years, or even a fan that worked at the studio, nothing! What it leads to is, Wolverine instead of being the greatest comic book movie of all time, becomes the worst comic book movie of all time, worst then Daredevil, Ghost Rider, Superman Returns, Howard The Duck, Man-Thing and Batman and Robin...

29. Kazzam (1996):
Ok for those of you who were drunk or high, or young in the 1990s, or are too young to remember the 1990s or would rather forget the 1990s, we had a small fad that was called "Shaqisploitation" which means someone, I'm not sure who, had this weird feeling that because he played a basketball player in the film Blue Chips, basketball's biggest man to not make a free throw turned for some reason still relevant famous person of note Shaquel O'Neal could act, like really act, not just play a young stupid basketball player in a movie about college basketball where all he had to do is suck just slightly less then a clearly drugged and drunk Nick Noltie, which really isn't a hard thing to do, its like out acting an overly drunk and overly Scottish Sean Connery (which is kind of the same thing), you just do what you can and hope for the best. Anyway, for some reason someone believed it would be a good idea for Shaq to play a genie, yes, a genie who grants wishes. How I Dream of Shaqie ever got made I really have no idea, nor do i wish to really, I'm just glad Shaq wasn't really dressed like Babu from the I Dream Of Jeanie cartoon from the 1970s. Oh yeah, I went THERE.

28. Cutting Class (1991):
Now I wanna clear something up about this one, this film, is not here because it is the first "major" starring role for a certain actor by the name of Brad Pitt, whom for the most part, I can not stand because he takes himself to serious, this is here simply because its just a bad film. The plot of this as confusing as the fact it was ever made in the first place,so confusing infact for many years I've actually replaced it mentally with a sort of butterfly effect like film that would have made alot more sense. Its your basic teenager gets out of a mental ward and starts to kill his friends and teachers until he's cut in half with a circular saw plot, you know, like 20 other films from the time period, but the only difference is, there is nothing at all redeemable in this film not even the fact it had young Brad Pitt and Martin Mull in it, I mean seriously, Martin Mull! I mean really if Martin Mull can't sell you on a slasher film about a mentally unstable teenager who's decided to kill all of his friends and teachers once he gets out of a mental ward, and then gets cut in half with a circular saw, then I don't really know what could, I mean even for a slasher film this one is bad, like really really bad.

27. Striptease (1996):
Back in 1996, relative nobody Demi Moore had just left then husband, and still respected actor, Bruce Willis, to celebrate this, she decided she would do two things she hadn't done sense the 1980s, star in a movie that would get noticed, and buy herself a new set of beasts to make said movie get noticed, which is, ofcourse, just a sneaky way of getting a studio to pay for you to get a boobjob, which I guess both kind of sneaky and of sleazy at the same time. Anyway, whoever it was that decided this was a good idea, had a script quickly written that involved a stripper and a senator or something, ironically pre-spoofing the Anna Nicole Smith thing by afew years, anyway, the whole point of the film would be that we get to see Demi Moore's new fake breasts predominately through most of the film, which ofcourse would be the only real draw the film had that the studio heads were betting on. The other main role was given to horrible actor and failed recording artist, as well as failed being married to fellow 1970s tv star Loni Anderson, Bert Reynolds, who took time out of running his dinner theater in florida where all washed up second rate stars go to live out the twilight years of their career, to get himself covered in vaseline and walk around in cowboy boots which will I'm sure haunt the rest of the world for years to come. This movie is seriously bad, so bad infact that after the first 20 minutes, you get really tired of seeing a topless Demi Moore, which I'm sure is something they didn't really count on when the braintrust thought up this nugget of movie history.

26. The Room (2003):
For some reason in recent years, among the youth and pot smokers of the world, have decided that this film holy grail of crap movies, and though i admit, it is very bad, I wouldn't call it the holy grail, there are many that are worse, way worse, but whatever, its not my place to figure out the modern youth and their 4chan loving culture, its become so big among the youth for some reason the idiot behind this wants to make a weekly cartoon and video game based on the film. Anyway, The Room is a complete and total stinker about a love triangle between a string haired werido, his girlfriend and his best friend, thats literally all it is, all the boring acting and lack of any real moment or plot, just makes this a trainwreck so bloody its almost sick in its dizzying array of crap thats assaulting you at all ends. There is no redeeming things you can take from this film except maybe that its not made by Uwe Boll, its literally just a 30 minute story stretched out to 93 or so minutes of pure painful and sickening tripe, thats full of super bad acting. the first 15 minutes are worth a laugh, but after that it becomes useless and unwatchable even on a camp and cult level.

25. Raise The Titanic (1980):
The top of the list of what makes this film bad is that even for the time it was filmed, and even when the book its based on was written, there was alot of misinformation and things we know have proven to be false, see, back in 1980, when this film was made, we still hadn't found the actual wreck of the Titanic, we had no idea where it was along its course, and more so, no one ever bothered to mention in all the survivor accounts that the ship split in two before it sank, instead assuming it sank similarly to the SS Andrea Doria that sank off the coast of Nantucket Massachusetts USA in the 1950s, where it just lay in one moderately well preserved (at the time) piece at the bottom of the sea. We ofcourse know that this is not the case, we ofcourse also know that their hairbrained idea of "refloating" the Titanic would never actually work either. But logic alone isn't what makes this movie horrible, the acting in porn movies is actually better then this, alot of the times you find yourself realizing they're reading in a manner that sounds like they've got cue cards just off camera. Its really kind of funny at times, but not funny in the it saves the film kind of way. The only other thing of note this film has, is, it holds the record for the most expensive prop ever made, the 55 foot long 10 foot wide replica of the Titanic, which is seen by many as possible one of the greatest props ever made, and has sort of gained a cult following as a tourist attraction in Fuji where the film was made, even though its little more then a lump of mush that sits outside of a film studio now.

24. The Wizard (1989):
This is one of those films that tilts and totters on the fence between brilliance and bullshit. See, in 1989 the nintendo video game company literally owned the entire market, they had everything, top rated games, two cult television series, Captain N: The Game Master and The Super Mario Bros. SuperShow, both used to showcase their products to insanely huge viewerships, and in 1990, it was decided to tighten that stranglehold on the youth of america by creating a movie, but not just any movie, a movie that would showcase their upcoming products and their soon to be crowning jewel, the game Super Mario Bros. 3, which at the time had been being promoted for almost 6 months before its release, all of the products in the film would be released in the same week as the film so you could literally go from the theater to your local Toys R Us and get your good old fashioned down home family style capitalism on, in a sense, the ultimate infomerical, much like what toy company Hasbro had done years earlier with The Transformers and G.I Joe franchises, but unlike those two attempts at the same idea, this film is just a stinkbomb with so many plotholes and questionably bad scenes that really seem like they were written by a 9 year old. The film tells the story a young mentally ill child who's put into an institution after his parents split and his mother and step father can't deal with him, he's broken out by his older brother and they run away heading for California, along the way they meet a young girl and discover only is this young boy gifted at video games, but there is a giant video game tournament in Los Angeles that pays 50,000 dollars, which in 1989 money was alot of money as well as a plot device. The film basically follows these kids hitchhiking and hustling their way across the country unattended by an adult, as they beat the "best" each place they stop at has in video games, each saying they're going to enter the tournament too, its really kind of like how in Pokemon Ash travels from town to town beating each city's gym leader, but you know, showcasing The Powerglove, the grandfather of The Nintendo Wii, in the end the finalists of the tournament have to play "a brand new game" and surprise, that game was set to release the day the film debuted, the one that went on to become the highest selling video game of all time, Super Mario Bros. 3, yeah thats the game they gotta play. the kid beats it and his family becomes holy again, and everyone's happy, and we all feel dead inside.

23. Freddy Got Fingered (2001):
You're gonna find alot of films on here that I state from the start where just bad ideas, specially as we get down into the lower numbers, this film is one of those that was just a bad idea. See, to understand why Freddy Got Fingered is a bad idea, as well as a horrible title, you have to understand where it came from, a man by the name of Tom Green. For those of you who don't remember Tom Green or his horrible "comedy show" or his even more horrible rap albums, or even this movie, let me give you a brief explanation, Tom Green is the Canadian version of Andy Dick, only unlike Andy Dick, before Tom's career was finished he was married to Drew Barrymoore for a time, and not blamed for the death of Phil Hartman like Andy Dick was. So basically he's this idiot who does really stupid things that are mostly shock and gross out humor, mostly gross out humor, Tom's signature stunt in Canada was showing people his show's mascot, a dead raccoon he found hit on the road, once even twirling it about to the shock and vomitting of his guests and audience. With that said, its pretty much a forgone conclusion that a film with a guy like that, working many of his skits of that nature into a film where he's a "misunderstood cartoonist", just seems doomed to fail doesn't it? So yeah, you can guess it did fail, horribly.

22. I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle (1990):
This film has the best title of them all really, plus the fact that its one of the few on here thats a must for my bad movie nights, because come on, who doesn't wanna see a film about vampire motorcycles? Yeah thats right, everyone does, the problem is, unless you want a good mood altering laugh at just how bad this film of a motorbike le vampir is, you should really avoid it. The plot is very simple and very basic, and really lacks any real imagination, a british biker gang for some reason, probably cuz they're bored, or maybe because they're really into jesus, torment and kill a local occultist, who decides to get back at them by transmuting his spirit into the body of a beat up old motorcycle, which is found by the gang and the dead occultist slowly, and non-sparkling vampirely I might add, works its way through the entire gang, leaving their leader, the one that actually killed the occultist in the first place, for last, and the most grizzly of deaths, as one would expect in a film of this nature. Like I said its a simple and easy and not all that imaginative plot, plus what really makes it worth putting on this list is just how completely cheap and fake most of this film looks, I mean there are log budget movies, and there are movies made in some dude's backyard with a camcorder... I'm sure you can figure which this is right?

21. Ewoks: Battle For Endor (1985):
Now, I try to keep my lists pertaining to movies to simply include made for theater movies, but for this list I make two exceptions, one you will see later on, but this one, I just had to include. See, way back in the last century, when cellphones were called CB Radios and mp3s were called cassettes, there was this little series of films that big at that time, has now fallen into complete and utter obscurity, that series was called Star Wars. Now, for its breif time as a profitable commodity Star Wars was pretty much by todays standards to be a cash cow, everyone wanted in before the bubble burst and this series got sent to the back of some film vault never to be seen again, among those many companies that saught to cash in, was american television network ABC, who commissioned two movies starring these furry little midgets called Ewoks. Sense most of you don't know what Star Wars is, or was about, I'll explain, an Ewok was basically a midget with that medical condition that makes them grow animal like hair all over their bodies, riducled for this, Ewoks left earth after getting their message board trolled, and eventually settled on a forest moon called Endor, they were kind of like the Na'Vi from Avatar, but with out looking like bad ass smurfs that have a built in USB port, anyway, The Battle For Endor takes the Ewoks, some girl thats with them now, and Wilford Brimley all over Endor cosplaying Lord Of The Rings which I guess somehow saves Endor from what I guess is Witchiepoo from H. R Pufnstuf. Its seriously bad, and much like the rest of the Star Wars franchise, it was doomed to never be heard from again.

20. The Conqueror (1956):
Man talk about a killer film! I mean literally, a killer film, but I'll get to that in a second, but for now, let me explain what The Conqueror is. This one of those films that you just kind of look at and wonder why it was ever made, like, you kind of start to wonder if it was real at all, until you actually see it and even then you feel dirty about it. See, The Conqueror is a film about the life of Mongolian warlord and all around fan of not bathing or shaving and hater of walls around China, Genghis Khan. Now that doesn't sound to bad, in the old world hollywood world of lavish and realistic sets and casting that sounds pretty good right? Well heres whats wrong with it, Genghis Khan is played by John Wayne. Yes, that John Wayne that did westerns and war movies. Yes, that John Wayne who you kids that think Stephenie Meyer created Werewolves and Vampires and J. K Rowling created wizardry, odd relationships between young nerdy boys and old lonely men and British milfs, have never heard of. Now, the fact that this film consisted of an all white cast playing people of asian decent, and that John Wayne plays Khan horribly, making him sound like every other character he's ever played that wasn't Rooster Cogburn from True Grit, amazingly enough, isn't the reason this film is a killer film. The Conqueror is so bad it literally gave everyone involved in it cancer. No, seriously, this film was shot in the same place the atomic bomb had been created not even 10 years before, this place was a hotbed of radioactive radiation, and it still is, back then no one knew radiation could kill you, and by the late 1970s early 1980s, everyone involved in this film had died of cancer, blame the location, but come on, we all know the cancer was caused by how bad this was.

End Part One....



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