The Reality Shock 3.0:
Episode One:
“Back Once
Again With That Old School Swagger”
Hello everyone, its been a
long time hasn't it? For those of you who remember my old version of
this column, I thank you for coming back after my 3 year break, as
for those of you who've never read the old version, well, get ready
for abit of a crazy ride through the world of entertainment as I drop
some truth, knowledge, and blunt reality on all of you if you are
ready for it or not, because I am back once again to spread the
gospel of the truest and most passionate out there, sure its not what
the entertainment world wants you to think, its that passon and love
for these things that are why I decided to come back to this, because
so many out there ask me what I think on matters most entertainment,
and I feel the time is right, the landscape isn't completely bleak
and drab and full of nothing but horrible rehashed and reused and
watered down into mush at the moment and that is where I like it, I
like variety, I like knowing some nights you gotta flip a coin on
what show to watch and what show to DVR/Download as apposed to just
watching one show each time its on, simply because there is no other
choice. Anyway, with all of that out of the way, let us all rejoice,
for I am have returned, with my wit as sharp as a osafune katana, and
my reality as blunt as a sledgehammer swung by Deadpool, so with no
farther delay, lets dive headfirst back into this... and lets hope we
don't flop harder then Louie Anderson's fat ass on that horrible
celebrity diving show Splash....
Anyway.... A'Room'a Zoom
Zoom.. here we go!!
Ok first thing I would like
to touch on is something thats rather near and dear to my heart, and
the thing i've been asked about the most, I am talking of the 50th
Birthday of Doctor Who. For those of you that know me, you know I am
a life long fan of the series, and can truly say, its one of the few
bright moments from my childhood, with that being said, I will answer
outright, I really didn't like the way the show's birthday was
handled. See, its rare that a television show makes it to 50 years,
let alone that its still on the air when it makes it to that age, let
alone that its the longest running series in its genre, and a global
juggernaut with fans that make Twihards, Juggalos, Bronies, Trekkies,
and Star Wars Nerds combined look smaller then the group of middle
aged virgins that still play Magic: The Gathering, or if you're too
old for that reference, smaller then the group of middle aged virgins
who still play with Pogs, and if you're too old for that reference,
smaller then the group of people who didn't return their copies of ET
the Video Game for the Atari, and if you're too old for that
reference, tough shit I’m not going back into the 1970s for a
reference for this joke I already beat into the ground. Anyway my
point is the fans of Doctor Who, or “Whovians” as they're called
by people that want me to punch them in the face for saying the word
whovian, is the largest fanbase on the internet, it literally spans
three generations, grandparents, parents, children all united in
their love of a mad man with a blue box who travels through time and
space having adventures and thwarting shrill voiced salt and pepper
shakers with plungers and egg beaters for hands, a global audience of
well over 50 million viewers world wide.
Now I mention this only as a
means of expressing just how large of a viewership they have for the
program and the love those viewers have, now, taking all of that into
account, don't you think it would be wise for the BBC to make a big
deal, and celebrate a series that has endured everything from being
put “on hold” for over a decade, to being a radio program, to an
online web series, to audio books, and back to tv, but in the end,
what do we get? Afew “retrospectives” on each lead to play the
role, a television movie about the early days of the show, an
anniversary special that seemed to have been written over an
afternoon and wasn't even what they were promoting it to be, followed
by a Christmas special that made very little sense and just seemed to
be a means of dumping one lead for another, this might sound like a
lot, but the problem is, honestly, other then the movie about the
early days of the show, “An Adventure In Space And Time”, the BBC
totally dropped the ball on this. And though I would love to put all
the blame on them, the truth is, its not at all the fault of the BBC,
the fault lies as much with show runner Steven Moffat, who wrote the
two specials, and pissed fans off last year by splitting last year's
13 episodes into 6 last year and 7 earlier this year, he claimed
“starving the audience for new episodes” would guarantee high
ratings, when all it did was piss people off, forcing us to be
subject to your stupid high concept crap that doesn't make any sense,
and when we do get the show, the episodes being lackluster at best,
isn't gonna make us happy we waited, its just gonna piss off long
time viewers, you also don't mispromote a program simply because you
know its what people would like to see. When you start lying to the
fans, the loyal fans, whom your job depends on, the fans get mad, and
when they get mad, they stop watching. I hope Moffat learns that
lesson, and I hope the BBC does too... course looking at how the BBC
is treating Top Gear, I doubt they've learned anything. Shame really.
Still though, if you have time, catch “An Adventure in Time And
Space”, it'll give you the feels something hardcore.
So there is gonna be a
musical based on the life and music of Tupac Shakur, it'll be called
“Holla If You Hear Me...” and open in London soon, this will
either be the greatest attempt to bring hip hop to the legit theater
world, or it will crash and burn worse then Spiderman Turn Off The
Dark.
Speaking of Spiderman (epic
segue for the win!, also extra points for spelling segue right
instead of “segway”), I would like to express my worry over
something else i've been asked about a lot lately, the second Amazing
Spiderman film and the next X-Men movie, and well I guess comic book
movies in general recently... Now lets start with Amazing Spiderman
2, now, lets face facts, there will never be a perfect spiderman
movie, you will always get an actor thats a great Spiderman, or a
great Peter Parker, sadly, its nearly impossible to find anyone that
could be perfect as both, Peter Parker is meant to be the nerdy guy
that no one notices is cute because of his nerdness, and that he's
only able to express his true self, behind the mask, you just have to
take whatever you can get and be happy with the middle ground,
likewise with his cast, you either cast his family and friends
perfectly and the villains horribly, or the villains right and his
family and friends wrong, this being said, I feel with the current
series of movies, they've done as well as possible with casting
Spiderman, and as good as possible casting his family and friends,
Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy? Oh hell yes. But sadly, much like the
trilogy this new series of movies is meant to reboot and save us
from, the weakest casting is in the villains, though I give them
props for going with The Lizard as the first film's big bad, and
proving you can do a superhero movie with just one bad guy, but all
the headway they made, proving you can make a credible Spiderman
film, is about to be forgotten in this horrible mess that is going to
be Amazing Spiderman 2, cramming in B-List baddies Electro and The
Rhino as the major threats and shoehorning in The Green Goblin just
for shits and giggles, it just won't work, it'll give each villain
roughly one act each, but that just isn't how movies work, someone's
gonna be forgotten quicker then Malekith the Accursed in Thor: The
Dark World (Oh don't worry, we'll get to that in abit), and let alone
the changes they've made to make the characters so far changed from
the comic book originals that its almost like they're trying to just
pander to the non-comic audience, and that.. I just don't like. I can
deal with Electro being black and looking like a homeless person,
instead of a dumb white two bit criminal turned lightening bolt, but
The Rhino isn't a dude in a mech suit, he's a former wrestler who was
enhanced with speed and strength and through an accident got stuck in
the suit he wore in the ring, a rhino suit, sure that sounds stupid
to most, but, its better then a pale little shitwipe like Paul
Giovani inside a mech that looks half like a rhino and half like a
bear with a gun on its back... I am seriously worried this film will
tank because the studio just wanted to character grab.
I am also worried about the
next X-Men movie, X-Men: Days Of Future Past, not only is this movie,
the follow up to the amazing X-Men: First Class, being handed to the
director who killed the first X-Men trilogy by taking the greatest
X-Men story ever, The Phoenix/Dark Phoenix Saga, and turned it into a
no sense made at all b-story, who instead of taking the hint that no
one cared about his story anymore, because, you know, it ruined the
x-movies, has decided to take the movie all of us fans loved, and
force it into the old storyline he's already proven wasn't what
people wanted. Whats worse is he's using the ever not handled
properly in films that don't involve a DeLorean or H.G Welles, trope
of time travel through the mind, where the past and the future try to
correct the present, it just... ugh. Days Of Future Past was another
amazing X-Men story, but it didn't involve time travel, it was a
stand alone nightmare apocalypse story, back when you could write a
story of that nature in comics and it not be a “giant crossover
event that changes (place comic book name here) forever” or
something stupid, it wasn't anything like this, and though I
understand the need to change things for the wider audience, I just
don't understand the giving it back to the man who ruined things the
first time out, thats just like creating a masterpiece of art and
then paying a homeless man thats been living off scraps outside of a
indian take out to take a crap on it while singing one of those post
civil war super offensive folk songs no one wants to admit were
popular at one point in time. Whats even worse, they're already
trying to hype up the movie that will come AFTER this one, before its
even out, which really worries me, you don't do that, oh sure, we
knew that Avengers was coming four movies before, and we knew with
Lord Of The Rings and Star Wars there were more movies coming after
each one that came out, but like, you didn't see articles on movie
sites or comic book sites talking about the next film BEFORE the
current one hits theaters... that seriously worries me, a lot, its as
if they're saying “hey, this movie is gonna utter dog shit, but
look what we've got coming next if you stay with us!”, classic
deflection and that just... I just don't know, I don't like it.
Now, you might think I'm
just having a bitchy whiny fanboy rant with this, but you see, the
thing is, as a life long lover of comic books and related material, I
always want to see anything related to them do well, I want to see
movies set box office records, and tv shows hit ratings highs and
bring some amazing characters and amazing stories to either the big
or small screen, even if they are from books I don't read or care
for, because, well simply, the inspiration, and the wonder that they
bring, oh sure, I hate Superman, but who knows, some kid, maybe a
little girl in Egypt named Elena might see him take flight with Lois
Lane in his arms and be inspired, with alittle help from her uncle
who's a brilliant American writer/critic/columnist to write what
could be the ultimate Superman story, or create her own character who
will become loved the world over, you never truly know.
But I do know, at this point
in time, comic book movies might be at the point where the bubble
bursts, and that worries me, in a world where Marvel has basically
half assed its two big films that followed up Avengers, yes, thats
it, I’ve said it, and I’ll say it again, Iron Man 3 and Thor: The
Dark World, where NOT adequate follow ups to a film as giant as The
Avengers, I understand there has to be dealing with fall out, but
they could atleast advance toward the next film, Iron Man 3
introduced us to AIM, who will play very big into the tv series
Agents of SHIELD, but at the same time, turned Iron Man into a
terrified little school girl, thats NEVER been Tony Stark, not even
at his drunkest, was he EVER scared of what he does, he sucked it up,
downed a bottle of expensive vodka, smacked Pepper Potts on her sweet
ass can and handled his business, no matter what happened to him in
life, thats how Tony Stark do. As for Thor, well, I'm amazed they
didn't just edit the villain, Malekith The Accursed, the dark elf
king, out of the film entirely as to fit more Loki into it, its like
that sickly third world albino african orphan Eric Ortwine I sponsor
was saying the other day, “they should have just called the film
Loki's Revenge and left Malekith out of the film entirely, sense he
only shows up for three scenes, and they only use his name twice..”
it just goes to show, if a sicky third world albino african orphan
can see how obviously lacking something was, that means you really
need to take a good look at it and fix it. Marvel is playing the
extra long game now, branching its movies off into more obscure
places and leading to bigger team up films, with rumors of major
storyline “Civil War” being in the works as long as our already
setting up saga of Thanos and The Infinity Gauntlet, this is a
dangerous cliff they're hanging over, and they need to make sure they
don't fall off. Also, they need to make sure when the time is right,
they do Thanos Quest as a movie, just to hear him say the final lines
in the book on film, if they do that, I can die a happy man.
Its not just movies by
Marvel that need to get their act in gear I should add, in a world
after Nolan and Bale working on Batman films, and a world where, lets
face it, Man Of Steel was by no means a blockbuster, even if they are
acting like it was, the film barely made 100million, which actually
was less then it cost to make, thats not a blockbuster, thats barely
breaking even, but yet, they're still going on with the next one, and
seemingly destroying the whole thing in one shot, cramming a
completely miscast Batman and Wonder Woman, as well as a rumored
Denzel Washington as the black Green Lantern, and rumors of casting
The Rock as a major character also, all into one movie, it just seems
so stupid and so wrong, and it just screams talent grab and money
grab, a totally wrong and horrible money and talent grab to me, as
well as proof whoever is making the films for DC Comics truly has no
idea what the hell they're doing.
Ok, comic book related rant
over... now onto other things...
I would like to now talk
about something thats probably an issue we're gonna only deal with
here in America, verses a problem all around the world, I am talking
about Syfy, a network devoted to science fiction programing the world
over, now, when I look at their programing in other countries, its
pretty good, pretty sci fi, but here, well, things are just going
wrong. I don't understand how a network that claims to be the
definitive science fiction place on television the world over, can
clearly no idea what you're doing or who your target audience is, or
what it is they like. I will used for examples, afew questions and
answers from recent social media question/answer sessions between
programing heads and viewers, I feel they will help me prove my
point. Recently, when asked why the network has stopped showing
classic sci fi series enlue of day long marathons of modern in house
made programs, some of which are current and some are canceled, the
head of programing claimed “our viewership doesn't want to see
older sci fi series like V, the original Battlestar Galatica, Misfits
Of Science, Lost In Space, or even comic book based shows like The
Incredible Hulk, WonderWoman or the short lived Captain America and
Spiderman live action programs from the late 70s, we feel they have
no interest in such things, they'd much rather watch programs like
Farscape, Fact Or Faked, Stargate SG1, Ghost Mine, Haunted Highway or
Paranormal Witness.. there is no demand for classic sci fi, anyone
that wants that, owns it on dvd/blu ray anyway.” Umm... NO. You're
just more then likely lazy and really have no idea what the hell
you're doing programing for a science fiction themed network, because
you probably were a brown noser who wanted to do programing for a big
five network, well tough shit blanko nino learn to do your damn job
or step down. More proof of what i'm talking about, when asked later
on, if the network was going to air classic sci fi movies or monster
movies, or even kaiju movies (Godzilla, Mothra, Gammera, ect..) with
the recent increase in popularity thanks to the surprise hit of
Pacific Rim, they were treated with the answer of, “we as a network
believe that older sci fi movies, monster movies, and kaiju films,
are no longer what syfy viewers want, we feel they would rather watch
movies like Sharknado, Ice Spiders, Sharkipus, or Jersey Shore Shark
Attack instead of films staring people in foam rubber suits stomping
over scale model cities...” … You starting to see what I mean
here? Did you read that last statement? Seriously, read it back afew
times, let that sink in, thats a head of programing for a network
that averages 13 million viewers a week, clearly having no clue about
their viewership. Seriously think about that.
Now while you're thinking
about that, also take this into note, this is the same network, that
felt the best way to create original programing was to cancel five of
their top ratings getting shows; Destination Truth, Alphas, Warehouse
13, Eureka and Ghost Hunters International, to clear up 100million
dollars to produce a television show called Defiance, that honestly,
wasn't all that good of a program, oh sure, it allowed us to watch
Jaime Murrey make out with other chicks, but aside from that, in all
honesty, Defiance fell short of the bullseye they were expecting to
hit with it. Now think about that too, they cancel five programs to
make ONE show with 100million dollars, where in the fuck did all of
that money go? Because it sure as hell didn't all go to that show's
production, the F/X alone prove that. Honestly I've no idea what
they're thinking they're doing... I just don't. My only real hope for
them this year is that they don't fuck up the American airing of The
Almighty Johnsons, a favorite series of mine from New Zealand they're
airing this year, though with edits, you know, because far be it from
American TV to air nudity and swears.. and hopefully it'll lead to an
American remake, because they said the series itself is dead in the
water down where its from, sadly.
Terms I'm hoping we leave in
2013 and never see again; “yolo”, “manscaping”, “man cave”,
“obamacare”, “twerking”, “honey hole”.
Terms I would like to see
become more popular in 2014; “Haberdashery”, “Shtaco”,
“mimiograph”.
Interesting fact, the soon
to be released Mr. Peabody and Sherman movie isn't because of the
popularity of Doctor Who, which it is a lot like, nor is it because
of the adventures of me and my friend Rose, the plucky young lass who
assists me, its simply just when a proper script was given to the
company that holds the rights to Jay Ward's creations.
I was recently filled with
joy and adulation when I heard the news that not only was the french
television series “The Returned” a hit when broadcast here in the
states, and that though there are many series in the same vain
starting in the near future, that there will be an american adaption
on ABC called “Resurrection” airing soon much to my excitement,
don't get me wrong, I don't mind watching subtitles with my tv, well
unless its a spanish soap opera, then I just make up the plot till
the hot women start smacking each other Dynasty style, but its good
to also get a well made adaption of a program into a language that
doesn't involve me remembering all I did in french class was stare at
my hot french teacher and not really learn any of the language.
For those of you that don't
know, The Returned is the story of this small town in France where
one day, out of the fog, comes many of the people who died in the
last few years, they come out of the fog, perfectly healthy looking
and not aware of why they're brought back, they just are. Its based
on a novel, but its also a lot like a french movie from afew years
back called “They Come Back”, the same movie that fueled the
creation of the once doomed to never go past pilot, but now thanks to
this craze will see the airwaves revived for series “Babylon
Fields”, which long time readers will remember is a personal
favorite of mine, also word is FOX is adapting the film to series
under the name “They Come Back”, so we'll wait and see just how
many zombies and zombie like creatures are coming to tv soon, after
all, it can't be worse then what they did to vampires... sigh.. oh
how I miss the days when vampires weren't the metrosexual well
dressed possibly gay friend to every lonely teenage girl.... that
reminds me, I hate teenagers.
Time for many of you long
time readers favorite segment, the list of what I'm watching these
days, well here goes, separated by country; From the USA:
Revolution, American Horror Story, Sleepy Hollow, Almost Human, Once
Upon A Time, Agents Of SHIELD, Grimm, Space Dandy,The Tomorrow
People, The Walking Dead, Once Upon A Time In Wonderland, Under The
Dome, Defiance, Fallen Skies, Warehouse 13, Haven, Banshee, The
Following, Justified. From the UK: Doctor Who, Utopia,
Lightfields. From Canada: Orphan Black, Lost Girl,
Bitten, From AU/NZ: Nothing Trivial, Auckland Daze, The
Strange Calls, Twentysomething, Upper Middle Bogan, Wonderland,
Winners and Losers, Serangoon Road, Underbelly, Top Of The Lake,
Wentworth, Nowhere Boys, The Almighty Johnsons, Tricky Business. From
Other Places: Hellfjord (Norway), The Returned (France), Real
Humans (Sweden), Hard (France), Love/Hate (Ireland), Trivia
(Ireland)... There are some more there but I can't think of them as I
write this, the curse of late night writing I guess.
And for those of you who are
more of the music listening kind... The list of what I been jamming
to lately; “Born And Raised in Lowell” by Kevin G. Moore, “The
Man” by Aloe Blacc, “Bang Bang” by Monophonics, “How I
Learned To Pray”, “To Young To See”, “Can't Fix Whats Not
Broken”, “Love Don't Die Easy” by Charlie Worsham, “Nutbush
City Limits” by Beth Hart, “Bad Moon Rising” by The Mourning
Rituals, “Rap Viper” by Wordburgler, “Dress Blues” by Jason
Isbell, “Here's To Never Growing Up” by Avril Levine, “Wild and
Lonesome” by Shooter Jennings, “Old Fashion Morphine”, “All
My Love”, “Burnt Toast”, “I Like You Better When You're
Straight”, “Know Your Roots” by Dallas Frasca, “Soldier’s
Song” by Stevie Nicks, “Into The Mystic” by Jen Chapin, “If
It Hadn't Been For Love”, “Ghosts Of Mississippi”, “Sticks
That Make Thunder”, “Midnight Train To Memphis”, “Where
Rainbows Never Die” by The Steeldrivers, “Gimmie Head” by The
Radiators, “Flame Trees” by Cold Chisel and I think thats enough
for now, but there are more as you always know... curse my love of
music.
No one is watching Trisha
Paytas' youtube channel for her “wit and incite” into the world
around her. Also, most of you just went and googled Trisha Paytas,
half of you just went “oooooooooh” the other half just wished
you'd had the time it took to google her back. However all of you are
wondering if I mean my statement sarcastically or not.
Really Snoop Dogg? You're
doing adds for loan agencies in other countries now? Really? Did you
smoke through all that Snoop Lion money that fast? Hahaha I'm just
kidding, his Snoop Lion project never made any money.
I was hoping that I wouldn't
have to touch on this, but I’ve gotten a lot of questions of what I
think of this matter, so I figure while I’m speaking from the
pompatus of reality, I should address the issue of one Phil
Robertson. For those of you who don't know who Phil is, he is the
elderly head of the Robertson family, the family behind the not
really reality series Duck Dynasty, who recently said some rather
homophobic and racist statements in an interview with GQ magazine,
and its pissed off a lot of people. Now, the matter of free speech
aside, here is the facts that people seem to forget, Phil is a 70
year old man with xenophobic and technophobic tendencies and is
incredibly antisocial. Anyone thats seen atleast one episode of the
series is aware of these things, he constantly refers to anyone that
doesn't live in the woods like a hoarder like he does, as “yuppies”
and claims his own grandchildren disgust him because they were raised
in large beautiful homes, go to good schools and have cellphones and
various computer devices, he refuses to do interviews with any
reporters or business people who do not believe in god or will not
pray with him, he also refuses to learn about the world outside of
the world he created for himself, he is no different then any other
old southern man in his age group, so why, would it shock anyone that
he would have an issue with gay people? Honestly, have you not seen
the show? There was an episode where he had to deal with an obviously
gay photographer taking family pictures, and Phil was insanely rude
to him, constantly making cracks about him going back to the city,
and after shooting a squirrel out of a tree proclaimed “I bet thats
the first time you've ever seen one of those isn't it?” and then
mocked him for having never eaten squirrel. Seriously this happened,
lord knows the network its on airs the show in long enough blocks
most days, have a watch he totally does this. I don't know why his
beliefs surprise anyone honestly. This is normal behavior for those
raised as he was, and where he was, its just old folksy beliefs,
nothing more.
And also to make my other
point on this matter, honestly, why is it a big deal who does and
doesn't like or accept gay people? Now don't get me wrong, I have no
issues with homosexuals or homosexuality, I believe whatever makes
you happy is your business, and honestly, why is it, in 2014, we
still feel the need to care what others do in their own bedrooms, or
Burger King bathrooms, or where ever else one gets their end away?
And in the same vain, why are there people who feel the need to make
examples and spectacles of people who do have an issue with gays?
What is the point of pointing out their beliefs, sure, I don't agree
with them, but they've their right to believe what they want. I just
wonder if maybe its just witch hunting for the sake of witch hunting,
because, you know, witch hunts have always turned out so well for
people in the past. Seriously, I just wish people would leave people
alone and not care what is going on in the lives of people they don't
know or care about, its just wasted energy. Energy that could be
better spent twerking or ghost riding a whip, or parkor or planking
or whatever other stupid thing people are doing these days.
Now that we've settled that,
I promise you, that will be the closest to serious news this column
will ever become, now back to the normal fodder...
You wanna know what saddens
me? That the film The Knights of Badassdom didn't get any love when
it was in theaters for the very short time it was, honestly, it was a
who's who of people the internet loves, in a movie about a LARP troop
fighting zombies, aside from the fact its the only group to not fight
zombies on the big screen yet, its also such a crazy idea that it
almost makes it, in theory anyway, as brilliant as Dead Snow,
remember, the Jews vs. Nazi Zombies film from afew years back? Yeah
now you do, and now you're pissed you forgot about it. Ah well,
atleast the next Muppet movie is coming out soon.
And thats where we're gonna
end things this time around, but, before I go, I always do, I shall
leave you with afew random thoughts to ponder until we next meet....
I have seen imagery and toys
from the new ninja turtle movie, its gonna suck more then Megan Fox
did to get her role in it. I don't get why ABC is going to take The
Wizard Of Oz and give it the Once Upon A Time treatment, did they not
learn with Wonderland? Why is Cee-Lo Green still a thing? Thank you
Guardians Of The Galaxy for giving me Rocket Raccoon in movie form,
life needs more foul mouthed insane giant gun packing space raccoons.
DC Comics are a bunch of homophobic idiots. As he reads this, Lord
Bez is Fandangoing. I don't find Cedric The Entertainer all that
entertaining honestly. Seriously, they're remaking Kirk Camron's
horrible Left Behind movies for the big screen with Nick Cage?
Honestly, does he have any shame? I mean really? I wonder if people
take heavy hallucinogenic drugs and watch In The Night Garden,
because I'm pretty sure you gotta be tripping balls to make sense of
it in general.
And thats it for this time
around... so, till next time you crazy little Wottingers... blessid
be
Chris
